The coffin was carried out of the church. We waited a second and followed. I clung to Damon and stayed close to my best friend. Mum’s grave was around the back of the church. I stopped by the side and led my friends to a bench.
“What are we doing, sweetie?” Chloe asked.
“I don’t want to watch her coffin disappear into the ground. I didn’t say goodbye in the hospital because I couldn’t have that be the last time I saw her. I don’t want that image either.”
“Okay, whatever you want,” she replied.
“Thanks. I’ll just wait here until they’re finished, then we can head to the wake.”
Damon kissed my temple and replied, “Just tell us when.”
“Chloe…” I said.
She shook her head, pushed Logan down on the bench and sat on his lap. There was only space enough for three. “You don’t have to say anything, Nelly. I know.”
“How’re you holding up?” Logan asked.
I looked up to the bright, blue sky. “Not sure. Okay, I think. Part of me wishes Dad was here. When does he get his chance to say goodbye to his wife?”
“Hey,” Damon said. “The officer handling the case said he would probably be allowed to visit her grave, remember. We’ll do everything we can to make sure that happens.”
I hoped so. My opinion of my dad wasn’t particularly high – and it hadn’t been for a long time – but he didn’t mean to kill her and he should get chance to talk to her. It must be killing him.
“Thank you. All of you,” I said, staring back up at the sky. For a little while I just wanted to sit still and think about my mum without the pain of watching her being buried. For that twenty minutes I felt oddly peaceful. She was in a better place. She would be okay and so would I.
Damon
The funeral was nice for what it was. It was a real celebration of a flawed woman’s life. Nell, understandably, cried through most of the service and the burial but she’d calmed down during the wake. Watching the woman I loved so upset, was a new kind of pain I still wasn’t used to.
She leant against the wall with Chloe and two of her mum’s friends, swapping stories about the woman they’d just said a final goodbye to.
“How’re you doing?” Logan asked, handing me a bottle of Becks.
I took it gratefully and downed a mouthful. “Thanks. I’m alright. Wish I could fast forward to the part when she’s okay again.”
“She’s going to be fine, she has a lot of people looking out for her.”
“Not family.” Her Nan had barely spoken to her and she’d pretty much lost her dad too.
“Not all family is blood, Damon. Chloe and Nell are as close as sisters.”
“Yeah, I guess. I just don’t want her to think she has to do this alone.”
“She doesn’t think that. Stop worrying about things that you don’t need to worry about.”
He was right; I was being a dick about every little thing. “I know, it’s just…”
“Hard to chill the fuck out when it’s the woman you love?”
I shrugged one shoulder. “That about sums it up.”
“Relax, man. Nell’s doing alright and if she needs something, she has a lot of people ready to help her out.”
I knew everything he was saying was true and I needed to relax but I still wanted to skip to a time where Nell didn’t cry every day.
“Chloe was talking about taking her away one weekend, back to that cottage for some hot tub relaxation. Maybe we should do it sooner rather than later, give her something positive to look forward to.”
“Yeah, I’m in. I’ll see when she wants to go.”
Nell and Chloe made their way over and my girl smiled. “Do you think you could take me home now? I know I probably shouldn’t leave before everyone else but I’m exhausted.”
“Hey,” Chloe said, “you do what you need to, no one’s judging. We’ll stay and clean up afterwards.”
Nell teared up. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
They hugged and I put my beer down, after just two sips.
“Call me if you need anything,” Chloe said when they stepped back.
“I will. See you tomorrow.”
I pulled Nell in close and led her towards the exit. Her mum’s friends smiled as we left but didn’t say much. Nell kept in close, still feeling bad for needing to leave early. Chloe was right, no one was going to think she was rude for splitting and if they did, I’d punch them in the fucking mouth.
“So yours or mine?”
“I’ve stayed at yours a lot.”
“That’s not what I asked,” I said, leading her towards my car. It wouldn’t bother me if she fucking moved in. I was still ready for more with her and now was not the right time, but I didn’t know if, when things were better, she’d go back to wanting nothing.
Her mum’s death probably made her more cautious of relationships. Whether she liked it or not she was letting me in. One step at a time.