“I think I do, beautiful,” he replied, taking hold of my wrist and kissing the palm of my hand. “Let’s get inside.”
Damon led me into the packed church. I didn’t have many members of family, Mum’s parents died a long time ago and she was an only child. Dad’s side of the family hadn’t turned up, which wasn’t at all surprising under the circumstances. Still, I did hope Nan would at least come to support me. Thankfully Mum had a lot of friends.
Even though it was warm outside, it was still cool in the church. Goose bumps spread across my arms. With Damon’s arm around my waist I felt strong enough to say goodbye to my mum for the final time.
Chloe had saved us a seat at the front. I wanted to hide in the back but of course I couldn’t. Being the only person here related to Mum I had to be right beside her. She deserved that much.
I mouthed a thank you to Chloe and sat beside her. Damon’s arm stayed around me, keeping me right at his side. He didn’t need to, I would’ve stayed anyway.
Father David started the funeral by saying a few words about Mum. I’d told him the good things about her. It did seem a bit wrong to make her out like the most incredible person ever but this was her goodbye and in the end she deserved a positive farewell.
“I don’t know if I can do the reading, Damon,” I whispered to him, laying my head against his arm. Soon it would be my turn to say something. I’d managed to get this far without breaking down but I wasn’t sure that I could keep it up. Mum was lying in the mahogany coffin to my right. It was torture to know she was there, unmoving.
Chloe had helped me write something down but that was the easy part. Standing in front of a packed church and reading it to my mum in her coffin was something else. This was the worst day of my life, my heart weighed down heavy in my chest and I sniffed back the threat of tears.
“Do you want me to?” He asked.
He couldn’t. I was leaning on him, I needed him. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“Hey,” Chloe said, taking my hand. “Just say the word and we can have Father David read it. He offered and no one expects this from you. Or I can if you’d prefer that.”
“You would?” I said, sobbing over my words, choked up at her offer. She knew me, knew I wanted my last words to my mum to be personal.
“Of course, I will.”
I squeezed her hand as she was blurred beyond recognition by my tears. Chloe was the best friend anyone could have, I’d known that all along, but I hadn’t quite realised just how incredible and kind she was before.
My name was called but Chloe stood up and walked over to Father David, whispering in his ear. He nodded, smiled at me and stepped aside. Chlo approached the microphone and said, “Nell has written a few words for her mum and I’ll be reading them for her.”
She gave no more explanation, didn’t tell anyone that it was supposed to be me but I couldn’t do it. I loved her.
“Mum,” she started, and I buried my face in Damon’s chest. My heart broke all over again. “We had our challenges when I was growing up. Negative things that I concentrated on right up until the moment I found out you’d left me. Now the moments I remember the clearest are you singing so, so badly the year you bought me a karaoke machine for my birthday. I remember your smile, the way you used to do my hair for school photos. Every year was the same pigtails until I realised that I could take them out as soon as I’d left the house.”
Chloe sounded choked up but she read on gracefully. I couldn’t have done that. Damon’s arm held me tighter. He took a ragged breath and pressed his lips to the top of my head.
“When I was eight and wanted to be an astronaut you told me not to listen to anyone when the kids at school told me it was only for boys and I’d never do it anyway. You knew I wouldn’t, you knew that it was just a phase but you still bought me the books and told me you’d be there with balloons when I returned from my first mission in space. When I went off to University you were so proud you cried on the phone to me for a week. You may not have realised it but you taught me so much about who I want to be and what I want to do. You also taught me to be so painfully stubborn that failure wasn’t an option. Everything I told you I would achieve I will and I’ll do it with a smile knowing you’re right behind me with a big bunch of balloons. I know you’re with me every day, probably telling me to redo my hair how you like. Sleep tight, Mum. I love you.”
I tried to be as quiet as I could while I cried against Damon. My eulogy to my mum was very one-sided. I’d picked things to talk about from the times she was single and had time for me. But everything was true. I knew who I did and didn’t want to be because of her. I loved her, and I was going to make my dreams come true.
When Chloe took her seat, I let go of Damon and hugged her until the end of the service.