“That’s good, right? He’s taking accountability for what he did.”
“Good isn’t the word I’d use but yeah, I’m glad he’s accepting responsibility for his part. Not sure if that means he’ll do time or not.”
“I guess that’s up to the judge. There’s no point in you worrying about that now. It’s out of your hands completely.”
“Right. Except that he’s my dad and I kind of can’t help worrying. But I’m locking it away in a box until I have to deal with it… Until he’s sentenced.”
“Okay. Let’s focus on your mum’s funeral first, give her the goodbye she deserves.”
He was right. I had to make sure Mum got a good send off and avoiding it was pointless. “A coffin. You’ll come with me?”
“I’ll text Chloe and get her to arrange going in later today or tomorrow. You cool with that?” He asked.
I took the mug off the coffee table and held it close. “Yeah, okay. Maybe ask her if she’ll come with me to pick out my mum’s outfit too? No offence, but I think she’ll be more helpful.”
He smiled, slung his arm over the back of the sofa and brushed his fingers through my hair. I leant into his hand and closed my eyes. Being on my own wasn’t what I needed, it was him. When I opened my eyes he was watching me. I saw in his eyes what he felt for me and I no longer felt alone.
“You’re probably right there. I’ll text her now,” he replied, pulling his phone out and typing slowly with his left hand while the right one cupped my jaw and stroked my skin.
“Thanks. Think she’ll be annoyed with me for ignoring her.”
He stopped tapping the screen and looked up. “No, definitely not. No one is annoyed, Nell, we’re just worried and want to help. Chloe hates seeing you struggle through things alone, the same as me.”
“I don’t deserve either of you.”
He clenched his jaw and gripped the phone. His fingers froze on the side of my face. “Don’t ever say that again. What a person deserves isn’t based on perfection or dealing with something in the most socially acceptable way. You deserve everything good that happens to you because you’re a good person who struggles with life’s shit the same as the rest of us.”
I licked my lips. He was right, but I still didn’t feel good enough. I’d hurt him and pushed him away. Maybe I deserved to be happy but right now I just felt guilt and loss.
Sipping my coffee, I watched Damon text Chloe with a smile on his face. No doubt he’d told her I let him in and she was pleased I’d ended my hermit stage.
“She said of course she’ll choose an outfit with you and we can swing by this afternoon to pick out a casket. You okay with today?”
I wasn’t really okay with ever doing it, but it needed to be done. “Today is good. Thank you for taking care of me…again.”
He ran his hand from the back of my head, along my jaw and across my bottom lip. “I told you, anytime. Forever.”
Forever. I liked the sound of that.
“Yeah…? You mean that after everything?”
“Our path to each other might not have been straight and smooth but the end result is the same and that’s all that matters.”
“Wow, who knew you could be all romantic,” I teased, kissing the pad of his thumb.
“I’m practically cupid, baby.”
I put my drink down and crawled into his lap. “Damon, I promise that from here on out whatever drama we go through won’t be from me. Well, it might be, I can’t actually promise that, but I mean that it won’t be me legging it drama, okay?”
His arms tightened like a vice. “That’s more than okay. You talk to me and if you need space you can have space. I can give you that but what I can’t do is be shut out.”
“You scare me.”
He paled. “What?”
“I hurt you and you’re sitting here like it never happened. I know a lot of other shit has gone down but that doesn’t mean the past is healed. I’m scared that you’ll resent me. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t need to talk about it but if it’ll put your mind at rest let’s do it. Having you worry that I’m secretly pissed at you still isn’t good for us.”
“Us.” My heart leapt in a good way. “Wow.”
“Not us?”
I shook my head, paused, and then nodded. “There is an us…”
“Slowly?”
“Please.”
“Right,” he replied, smirking. “We’ll take it slow.”
“I’d very much like to do this properly? Like, old fashioned properly, not my version.”
Pouting adorably, he pressed his head against mine. “I happen to like your idea of proper.”
“So do I but I’m feeling kinda vulnerable here.”
“How do we get you to feel as confident and comfortable as you were when we were just fucking?”
“Romance over,” I muttered, making him laugh. “Dates and talking are both a good start. I’ve not done anything exclusive before, so I need to feel my way through this as we go.”
“Feel whatever you want, baby.”