Damon’s bathroom was large and I could usually avoid the long mirror when I was feeling a bit crap about myself but today I wanted to look. I felt different and needed to know if that was visible.
I stopped to take in my reflection. It was a mistake. I winced. Somehow every single one of my features looked duller. There was no colour to my cheeks whatsoever. I couldn’t stand what I saw. I wanted to leave, to get out of town, of England and just be somewhere I could hide and pretend nothing had happened. And I wanted the itching to stop.
Chloe and Damon wouldn’t let me be alone past a few days to collect myself but Chloe was home with Logan and Damon was still asleep. If I was getting the hell out of here – and that was the plan – then I needed to leave now.
I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want to be around anyone, especially someone that cared and felt sympathetic. Sympathy was useless. It didn’t bring back my mum, it didn’t change the fact that my dad was the one that took her life, and it sure as hell didn’t diminish the guilt that piled higher every second that I didn’t do more to make them stay apart.
My body was buzzing in the worst possible way. I had to leave. My mind was cracking and I had to be alone.
They were each their own person, but I could’ve done more. When they broke up I could’ve taken Mum away somewhere for a while until she gained proper perspective. As aware as I was that it wasn’t my fault it didn’t stop the what-ifs.
I gathered my clothes from on top of the washing basket and put them on, leaving Damon’s t-shirt and joggers inside the basket. Usually I’d go home in them, wash them and bring them back next time but I wasn’t sure if or when a next time would be.
Slipping my shoes on, I managed to get my bag and get out of there before he woke up. Now all I had to do was get home before he woke up. We’d come in Damon’s car so I had to walk, which was fine because I had to do something, keep busy. It wasn’t far so I pushed myself faster and faster until I was power walking home.
The closer I got to my house the lighter I felt. Being around people left me struggling for breath and the thought of having to have actual conversations with Damon – or anyone – made me feeling like I was being suffocated.
I was a people person, loved being social and having a good time, never had I wanted to be alone since I was little and alone was all I felt, but now I didn’t even want to look at another human.
Making it home quickly, I locked and bolted my front door and closed every blind in my small flat. When Damon and Chloe came around, because they would, at least they wouldn’t be able to see me and I would be able to ignore them.
I kicked off my shoes, suddenly feeling like I weighed fifty stone and collapsed to the floor.
Everything was gone and I was left hollow.
Pulling the edge of the sofa, I managed to crawl up and curl into a ball on the cushions. All I wanted was for sleep to take over and allow me a breather from the crushing pain and feeling of absolute helplessness.
My phone rang in my bag by the front door and I knew it was likely to be Damon having woken up to an empty house. Not wanting any interaction with anything today, I ignored it. He rang again and again and I assumed he’d probably called Chloe too because for five straight minutes my phone rang almost constantly.
I prayed the battery would run out soon because I had no energy to get up and put it on silent. Curling up as small as I could, I cried into the same pillow I’d ruined when I told Damon I didn’t want anything with him.
Finally, the calling stopped and they’d either given up or my phone had. Whichever one it was I didn’t care. Silence was welcomed with a sense of relief. I was alone for now.
The sense of calm didn’t last long because shortly after the missed phone calls there was a knock on my front door.
“Nell,” Chloe shouted, followed by Damon telling me to open up.
So he had called her and now they were here.
I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my head into the cushions on the sofa. Just leave me alone. I appreciated that they cared and wanted to help but I couldn’t be around people right now.
“Nell, open the door,” Damon shouted.
“Come on, babe, we just want to make sure you’re okay,” Chloe added.
That was fair enough. I dragged my overly heavy body off the sofa and padded towards the door, being sure not to make too much noise. They knew I was in here but I didn’t want them to hear me.
I pulled my phone out of my bag and saw that it was them that gave up, probably because they were both coming over. My phone had 23% left. I put the phone on silent and shot them a group text: ‘I’m fine, please let me be alone for a while. It’s what I need.’
Cradling my phone to my chest, I went back to the sofa and pulled a thick blanket over me. I felt like I was sick and resting but there was no cure for what I was going through. Time was supposed to be the magic that fixed everything but I wasn’t sure how it was going to heal anything here. I wasn’t just dealing with the death of my mum.