I rolled my eyes. At least he didn’t treat me any differently so I knew right now there was no resentment. “Thanks!”
“Aright. How about we get through your mum’s funeral, make sure you’re really okay, and then I’ll take you out.”
“Sounds good. Mahogany.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Mahogany?”
“The coffin. Mum had God-awful mahogany furniture in a lot of the rooms. I think she’d want to be buried in that.”
He grazed my lips in a soft kiss. “Okay, mahogany it is. I’m sure they’ll have a good selection there.”
Fuck, it was so surreal to choose the last thing someone you loved would rest in, something they’d be in for eternity. The pressure to get his right was ridiculously high. Mum wouldn’t give a single fuck, she was gone, and her spirit or whatever, wouldn’t stand around her grave scowling at the choice of coffin. But it was important. It was so important I wanted to run from it again. I wouldn’t.
Enough running. It was time to face my problems, issues, and heartbreaks head-on. It was time for me to live.
Nell
Four days later, Damon still wanted us to be together and I was still all for it. But he seemed too keen for it to be real and I couldn’t help worrying that he was still hurt from before. Because it was so fucking unlike me to worry when I’d been reassured…
I’d give anything to fix that broken wire in my brain so I could take what people said at face value.
Right now though, I had to bury my mum. It was something that I couldn’t quite comprehend. She needed to be lowered into the ground and I had to accept that that was it. Letting go was hard. It was so sudden, and I still expected a call to invite me over for a Sunday roast.
Coming to terms with my mum’s death was hard enough without trying to make a relationship work too. Christ, just going to the shop for milk was too much right now. Still, I was determined not to let her death consume me completely. She wouldn’t want that. As crappy as a parent as she could be, I knew she loved me and wanted the best for me.
It had been six days, and I’d called work to let them know I would be back the Monday following my mum’s funeral.
I left my bedroom still in my pyjamas and made a coffee. Without Damon to talk to and concentrate on I was left with my thoughts again. Thoughts like, did she know she was going to die? Was she scared? Was it really instant? Did Dad try to help her? How had their argument started? Who initiated it?
At nine there was a knock on my front door, and I knew it’d be Chloe. She’d done everything with the funeral, completely took care of it all because I couldn’t. I was not looking forward to the funeral. I didn’t know if Dad would be there. I knew he’d applied or whatever you had to do to ask permission when you were locked up, but I didn’t know if he’d been given permission.
“Morning,” Chloe said, tucking her brown hair behind her ears and then giving me a hug. “How are you?”
“I’m okay, come in. You want coffee? I just made a pot.”
“Yeah, thanks,” she replied and followed me into the kitchen. “Was yesterday with Damon okay? You didn’t call.”
I got her a mug and made her drink. “I was fine. We talked a lot.”
“Yeah? That’s great. We’ve been so worried.”
“I know and I’m sorry for doing that.”
“It’s okay. Are you and Damon…?”
I smirked at her. “We’re good. Really good. It’ll take time but I think we’ll get there.”
She beamed. “You definitely will.”
Yeah, we would. I was sure of that now. I handed her the coffee and sat opposite her at the island, wrapping my hands around my mug.
She nodded and took a sip. “You don’t just have to rely on Damon, you know. You can call if you need me.”
“Thank you. So I was thinking about my mum’s outfit this morning and I don’t need to go through her wardrobe. I know what she’d want to wear.”
Her favourite casual dress. The second the summer hit she was in it until the weather turned again. She loved it and she looked amazing in it. She’d once told me it was the only thing that she felt beautiful in and I wanted her to feel beautiful for eternity.
“That’s great. We can swing by and pick it up later if you want?”
“Sure. The funeral director said he wants it today if possible.”
“Okay.”
“So…is everything set?” For my mother’s funeral. I had no idea how I was going to get through that yet. There were things I had written down to say but the thought of standing up there and saying them made me want to throw up.
“Yes, everything’s done. Me and Logan will pick you up and come back after the wake too.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
She gave me a stern look, her brown eyes narrowing a fraction. “I do and I want to.”
“Is Damon coming?” I asked.
“Why would he?”
She didn’t even get a full head tilt before I said, “Alright, that was stupid. He knows when it is but I didn’t exactly ask him.”
“Why not?”
“Because then he would come.”