“Right.” Frowning, she said, “Isn’t that the point?”
“I don’t want him to feel obligated to come.”
She groaned my name, shaking her head. “Nell, stop. He wants to be there for you and you know that.”
“I hurt him, Chlo. He’s been amazing but I don’t want to push him.”
“What’s he said?”
“That he wouldn’t let me become my parents. He’s all for us making a go of it but right now I have other things to concentrate on. I’m not sure what will happen with Damon yet but when my mind is clear and we both want to, I’ll work at it then.”
She put her mug down. “You are nothing like them and never could be. You’re not selfish,” she said, concentrating on the first part of what I’d said.
“Aren’t I? Look at what happened with Damon.”
“What happened? Come on, you both understood perfectly what the deal between you was. You were always clear about what you wanted from him. He fell for you, of course he did, but you didn’t lead him on. Just continue to be honest about how you feel and what you want.”
“And what if the way I feel now is too blurry.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s not blurry and you know it. You love him, you’re just too afraid to admit it and frankly, Nell, you need to give yourself a break. A lot has happened so stop worrying about Damon. Focus on healing after your mum’s death and let the rest happen naturally.”
I managed a smirk. “Do you ever wish you’d taken your own advice when you were working through things with Logan?”
“Oh God, all the time. Things would have been a lot easier on us both if I’d stopped panicking and overthinking so much. You need to do the same.”
“Yes, sir,” I replied. “Hey, you think you can help me pick something out for the funeral? I don’t know what to wear.” What was the appropriate outfit for saying goodbye to your mum?
Her face softened and she put her drink down. “Of course I can. Show me the options.”
“Shouldn’t you be working? Or spending time with Logan?”
“No and no.” She held her hand out. “Come on, this outfit isn’t going to pick itself.”
“You’re the best, Chlo.” I took her hand and stood up. Tying my hair up in a band I had on my wrist, I led her into my room.
“You redecorated,” she said, looking around at the cream and chocolate covered walls.
When I fell in love with Damon. “Yeah,” I replied, opening the wardrobe.
“I like it.” She poked her head around my shoulder and immediately tugged on a knee length black dress. “This is nice.”
“My mum didn’t like black.” I turned to her. “Do I have to wear black?”
“Of course not. Wear whatever you like.”
“Her favourite colour was blue.”
“Okay, how about the royal dress.” She picked it off the hanger and handed it to me. “Try it on and see what you think.”
On nights out Chloe and I would have wine, turn music on and help each other choose what to wear. I never imagined I’d be doing the same thing – minus the MTV channel and booze – for Mum’s funeral. Although I could really do with a drink.
Chloe looked through my wardrobe as I shed my PJs and put the dress on. I felt ridiculous. Dresses usually made me feel sexy. I had no make-up on, my hair needed a wash and my legs were starting to sprout tiny hairs. And I had no desire to rectify any of that today.
“Does it look okay? Suitable?” I asked.
Turning around, she smiled with tears in her eyes. “Absolutely. You look nice in blue.”
It was calf length and a little flow-y with short cut off sleeves and a high neckline. “Okay. Thanks. This one then, I guess.”
That didn’t take as much time as I thought it would. Now that was done and the funeral arrangements were sorted Chloe would probably want to go home to Logan soon. I couldn’t blame her but I wanted to keep her here a little longer. The rest of the day stretched out in front of me.
“Do you want another coffee?” I offered as I changed back into my comfortable PJs.
“Sounds good. I’ll make them, you go sit down. And call Damon about the funeral, it’s only a few days away. I have no doubt he’ll come anyway but I think you should ask.”
I think he would be there regardless too. But over the last few days I’d handed over so much of myself to him that I was scared to give more. The last people I relied on let me down in a huge way and I was scared that history would repeat itself.
Chloe left an hour later with the promise of coming back or at least talking on the phone later. I felt bad that her week was consumed with checking in on me and not enjoying time with her husband.
I promised her I would call if I needed her. I wouldn’t.
Sitting on my sofa, I dialled his number. “Hey,” I said, mentally preparing myself to ask Damon to let me lean on him even more than I have already.
“Hey, how are you?”
“I’m…okay. I wanted to ask you something.”