Oh, no fucking way. “Don’t even go there. Not ever.”
“I’m not playing poor me, Damon, but you’re supposed to do the best for your child.”
“The fact that they didn’t is a reflection on them and not you.”
Sighing, she pressed her face into my chest. “I’m tired.”
I pulled her closer and tucked her head under my chin. Things were going to get harder before they got easier but I was going to make it okay, whatever it took. “Sleep.”
“Thank you for taking care of me,” she whispered.
“Anytime.” Always.
I woke up to an empty bed. In her absence I’d rolled back over to my side. She was in the kitchen, I could hear her clattering around. Groaning, I ran my hands through my hair and then chucked my jeans on to go and find her.
“Morning,” she said when she saw me walk into the kitchen. She had two pans going, one sizzling with bacon and the other that looked like it was heating beans. Under the grill was a full pack of sausages and she’d got out four slices of break to make toast.
What was going on?
“Hey, what’s all this?”
“I wanted to thank you.”
“You said thank you last night.”
“Okay, then I wanted to do something to thank you.”
I rounded the island and wrapped my arms around her from the back as she went back to cooking. “It’s not necessary but it smells good. How’re you feeling? You going to eat?”
She leant back into me. “I’m not at all hungry but I’ll try to have something.”
It didn’t go unnoticed that she didn’t answer my question about how she was doing. Nell hated to let people see her vulnerable side. I got it, no one liked to burden people or have anyone think they couldn’t cope with life stuff that was inevitable for everyone. No one escaped hard times and loss.
“Go and sit down,” she said, “I’ll bring this over in a minute.”
I rounded the table and sat so I was facing her. She worked a little too efficiently – keeping busy so she didn’t have time to think.
“Nell,” I said as she busied herself plating up breakfast. “Talk to me about how you’re feeling.”
She dropped the bowl of scrambled egg and braced herself on the worktop. Lowering her head she broke down in big, heavy sobs.
My eyes widened in alarm. What the hell have I done? “Hey,” I said, leaping up and striding over. I put my hand on her back and started to pull her towards me. When she felt me touch her she turned and sank into my chest.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “You’ll be alright, I promise. You don’t have to do things alone anymore, Nell.” Her slender body shook as she cried for the loss of her mum.
She should have never had to deal with what she saw growing up at all, let alone doing it all by herself. I couldn’t even imagine how scared she must have been when her parents fought and how worried she was that things would turn out exactly how they have.
I felt guilty for the incredible childhood my parents gave me. Nell deserved to be cared for and adored the way all children should be by their parents.
Her weight increased as she collapsed a little more against me but she held a back. Still, after everything, she still held back from completely giving herself to me. She knew I wouldn’t drop her, that wasn’t what she was worried about.
“Let go, baby, I’ve got you,” I whispered in her ear.
Her body rocked harder and she shook her head.
“Stop it, Nell. Please trust me. I won’t let anything happen to you. Let go and let me in. I promise you’ll be fine after.”
“Don’t make me, Damon, I can’t,” she sobbed.
Crying harder, her fingernails cutting into my skin through my t-shirt. Whether she was controlling it or not she was letting go. All too slowly she put more weight on me and off herself. I wanted to take it all.
“That’s it,” I said. “I’ve got you. I won’t let go.”
She held herself back and then let everything go. Her sobs were harder, louder and more devastating when she finally opened herself to me. It was a huge breakthrough. Relying on someone else wasn’t easy for her but she’d done it. I had my foot in the door and I wasn’t about to step back and allow her to shove me out and slam it shut.
I turned the gas and grill off, picked her up and carried her through to the living room. My stomach was eating itself but I couldn’t eat a thing at the minute. I laid us both down and curled my legs around hers, holding her safe inside.
There were so many things I wanted to say but nothing would make her feel any better right now so I did nothing but hold her, kiss her head and stroke her hair.
Nell was absolutely everything that was right in my world. She filled all the parts of my life that were missing or incomplete, parts that I didn’t even realise were missing. I would do whatever was needed to heal her heart and make her smile again.