Another.
Feeling a lightness surrounding me, I snickered out a laugh, twirling with my arms open as I let the numbness take hold. The bottles blurred together in a whirl, eliciting another bout of strangled giggles. My feet moved in a criss-cross pattern as I tried to walk a straight line to the register. I popped the drawer and retrieved a handful of quarters. They scattered on the floor as I stumbled out from behind the bar, then I collapsed against the jukebox and pushed in an undetermined amount of coins.
I stabbed my fingers into the square button, watching the plastic tabs flap across until I found what I was searching for. I had no clue why Rick had this song in his bar and could only imagine it was for my benefit. Demi Lovato’s voice rang out loud singing, Let It Go.
Childish? Maybe, but the words resounded so deeply. I scream-sang along and I let it all go, emotion tearing through me and flying from my lungs. Exploding from my soul. Finally setting it all free.
Setting young Eva free.
I pounded my chest and ripped at my hair, hugging myself tight and ridding myself of everything I’d held on to for far too long.
When it ended, my chest ached with the effort it took to breathe. I bounced off the stools lining the bar, making my way behind it when a glimpse of my swollen, bruised face stopped me. I cocked my head to the side as I brushed my fingertips along my cheekbones.
What have I become?
I smoothed down my shirt and swiped my fingers under my eyes, as if that would make me look presentable. Then I placed a hundred dollar bill in the drawer for all the alcohol I had consumed, tossed the glass aside, and chugged from the half-empty bottle. I slammed it down and my head followed, my forehead bouncing off the bar rail. If I could feel, it probably would have hurt. My heart rate sped up, an overwhelming need to throw up engulfing me. I leaned over the sink, relieving myself again.
When I was able to stand upright, I squinted, trying to focus. I closed one eye, then the other. Still, all I saw was a blur of melded bottles and wood.
I put my hand to the bar rail and used it for support as I climbed out from behind it. Though my body was buzzing and numb, the pain still sat deep within its confines. I wanted to erase it, but no matter how hard I tried it was settled into my heart and glued to my insides.
Somehow, I managed to lock the door behind me. The sun was just setting and Rick would be here soon. I couldn’t chance him seeing me like this.
Stumbling to the driver’s side, my fingers unsuccessfully fumbled with my keys. They clanked as they hit the ground and bounced beneath the door.
Fuck.
Holding onto the hood, I tried to bend, but a wave slammed into my head and rolled through my belly. Somewhere in my clouded state, logic told me I shouldn’t be on the road, so I wrapped my jacket tighter around me, shamefully ducking my head to not draw attention, and bared down against the cold.
One . . . two . . . three . . . I counted each step that took me closer to my apartment. A little further and I’d be there.
My building was in sight, I was pretty sure of it, but brick, stone, and glass were all meshing together. I fought hard against the power pulling inside me to give in and collapse, and dragged my body up the short staircase that led to isolation.
But it wasn’t home anymore. Blake had assumed that position, and now he would be just another home I had lost. That had been ripped from my hooked fingers and taken away from me.
Draping my hair over my face, I waved to the doorman so he wouldn’t think anything was wrong and moved as stealthily as my legs would allow. By the time the elevator reached the top floor, my eyes were blinking drowsily. The saliva in my mouth had dried up to nothing, and a cold heat was racing up the back of my neck, prickling my sweat-soaked skin. I held onto the wall, squinting and dragging my legs, searching my bag for my keys when I remembered I’d stupidly dropped them in the street.
Defeated, all I wanted was to give in to the overwhelming need to lie down. To let the darkness closing in from the outside points of my periphery have its way and take me over. Drown out my line of vision completely and give way to the nagging numbness.
My shoulders hunched, and I watched my toes pull across the carpet, slowing me further. I looked up at my door at the end of the hall, wishing it would come to me, the fight against my own body too much to bring me there. Then I tripped, wobbling, and banged my head off the wall, which sent me spiraling to the ground.
I watched her then, young Eva, as I lay crumpled on the floor. She dislodged herself from somewhere within my body, floated up and turned back to me with a smile, then blew me a kiss and disappeared into thin air.
An angel.
She looked like an angel.
I reached one hand out, then the other because, as luck would have it, my legs were no longer attached to my body. Or so it seemed.
Just a little further . . .
Just a little . . .
Just a . . .
BLAKE