“I can’t do this, Kaleb. I love you, but I can’t live like this.” His silence is gutting me. My tears slide down my face with anger and sadness as I tell him what I wish like hell I didn’t have to. But I have to remember who I am in this. I have no idea where to find him or how to help him, and I’ll be absolutely consumed with worry until I hear they made it back, but I’ll have to distance myself from him in the future. He’s forcing that on me with his actions.
I hate to do this over the phone, and I really despise fighting with him before he leaves on a mission. I may not be able to have a real relationship with him, but that doesn’t change the fact I fucking love this man and I’ll be totally destroyed from all of this. “Please, just be safe. I’ll be here when you get back.” I lie. I can’t have him out there doing his job and worrying about us at the same time. For his safety and for my heart right now in this moment, he needs to think we’ll be alright.
“Jade. I wish like fuck I could tell you.” Every time he talks, another piece of my heart breaks.
“We both know you could, you just choose not to. But I understand.” I’m trying like hell to be sympathetic here. I swallow hard, holding my chest with my free hand, while I fight through the giant lump in my throat to end this call. “I love you, Kaleb. I’ll see you soon.” I close my eyes and stop breathing as I wait for his response. His voice is raspy and uncertain when he finally speaks.
“I love you too, baby. Just tell me we’ll work through this when I get back. Because I am coming back, Jade. I’m coming back to you.” The tears escape fast as I squeeze my eyes closed tightly, knowing I can’t ever see him again.
“I’ll be here. Please be safe.” I hit end and sit on the edge of the bed, feeling the weight of the words from the call. My heart hurts, and I know I’m right about not being able to see him again. He has always had a way of owning me when he’s near me. If I let him get close to me, I know exactly what he’ll try to do. He’ll coax me with his ability to strip me bare, because that’s exactly what he’s done. He’s left me exposed, naked in a way I may never recover from. Kaleb Maverick has peeled away the hard shell I’ve had guarding my heart, and now he’s left me bleeding.
I hear Harris’ footsteps as he walks to the doorway, stopping to lean against it after he asks me, “You alright?”
“No, I’m not. He’s treating me like a civilian girlfriend he can’t share shit with. Or hell, it could be worse. Is he just doing this to keep me from going because he’s trying to protect me? Either way, I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I’ve worked my ass off to prove I’m capable of being strong and that I’m not afraid to take out any enemy or threat in the way of completing a mission. So what if I got pissed at the team for taking off without him? I would’ve been pissed to leave anyone there. I mean, hell, we just left him there to be eaten alive by the enemy.” I stand and start to pace back and forth as I talk. “He’s hiding something from me, and I can’t deal with that. What did he say to you exactly?”
“He asked me to keep you safe until he returned. I told him I would. That’s it. Jade. You know we don’t ask questions. We just do as we’re told. You should be used to this by now.”
“This isn’t the Army. He’s not our commanding officer anymore. He’s our fucking teammate. This is my relationship with the man I love. How am I supposed to stay here, knowing he’s going into some deep shit? I’m losing my mind, thinking about all the possibilities of what can go wrong. What if those guys don’t watch every single fucking thing, Harris? I can’t do this every day. This is not a life I want to lead. I’m built to fight, not keep fucking house.”
“Are you seriously walking away from him?” I stop moving and stand silent as I look at Harris still leaning against the doorframe.
“I have to, Harris.” I sit on the edge of the bed again before I realize I’m sitting here only in Kaleb’s t-shirt.
“Damn it. I’m losing my mind. I’m prancing around here in a damn t-shirt in front of you.”
“I’ve seen it all before. I know it’s not like that.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal, but it is to me. This is part of what I mean about being naked and bare. He has my mind fucked up with worry, and I feel vulnerable to the fact that my whole life could be changed with one wrong move by any of them.
I slide some shorts and have to roll the waist down so they’ll stay up on my hips. Harris never leaves his spot, and I want to yell at him at the same time I want to thank him for always being here.
“No, it’s not.” I grab a brush, running it through my tangled-up hair, gathering it up, and securing it with a few pins into a messy bun while I start to think about what I’m going to do from here.
“Tell me where your head is, Elliott. I need to know the plan before you move on anything.” I busy myself picking up everything on the floor, which isn’t much.
“We’re leaving here. I’ll report in tomorrow and see if they can get me back out there.”
“You really think rushing back out there is going to help you through all of this?”
“It can’t hurt.” He pushes off the wall and moves toward me.