I know I hurt him last night when my anger filtered through my mouth and the words crept out before I had a chance to register what I was saying. If I could take it all back, I would.
I’m dying here though. He’s not treating me like his equal or like the soldier I am. He’s treating me like he would someone he’s trying to protect from the stress of our world. Like a civilian girlfriend, who can’t be subjected to the details of a mission like we go on. I’m not fragile. I’m not going to break or shatter. The only way that will happen is if he doesn’t quit hiding things and lying to me about whatever the hell is going on.
I need to find him.
Sliding the covers off of me, I swing my legs over the side of the bed. I bend down to grab the first piece of clothing I can find. It’s the shirt he had on yesterday. It smells like him. I slip it over my head, turn, and look at the time on the clock. It’s four-fifteen. What could possibly have him awake this early? Maybe he’s in pain. I know he was yesterday. I saw it every time he switched positions and his back scraped across the couch or chair at his mom’s.
I want this nightmare to be over. This is the first real relationship either one of us has been in, and it has been one fight after another to keep us afloat.
“Kaleb,” I call out., my hands gliding along the wall for support because of how sore my body is today.
It’s eerily quiet. I rush for the light and almost scream when I hear Harris open the front door.
“Fuck, Harris. You scared the shit out of me. Where’s Kaleb?” He takes a few steps toward me as I continue to turn more lights on. I really need to get reacquainted with my own apartment. I just haven’t stayed here much lately.
“He got called early again. He asked me to keep you with me until he gets back.” I know my face turns hard and my words become cold.
I’m fucking angry. After our fight, the rough sex, and then him making love to me, he should’ve woken me up before he left. He knew there would be a possibility of this and yet, he still kept the mission details from me.
“Are you serious? This pisses me off.” I stomp back into the bedroom to get my phone. I can’t believe he didn’t even have the balls to tell me goodbye. Mexico changed him. It changed us, and I’m not sure I want the kind of relationship where I’m going to always be worried he’s going to leave me in the middle of the night on some secret mission.
How am I supposed to have his back when he didn’t even make sure I was there to do it? I dial his number, expecting him to send me to voice mail. When he answers, I immediately lose it before ‘hello’ even comes out of his mouth.
“I can’t believe you left without saying goodbye, Kaleb. How do you expect me to be able to breathe until you get back when my mind will be a clusterfuck worrying about you? I saved your ass in Afghanistan. I tried like hell to kill as many as I could in Mexico, while your fucking team pulled away without you.” He tries to interrupt me, but I’m so goddamn angry that my words keep spewing out of my mouth. “Then, when you were hanging from a motherfucking tree and the damn Mexicans were pissing on your legs, I’m the one who killed each and every one of them. Your team may be strategic and careful… but I love you. There’s not a stronger loyalty than that, Kaleb. How could you just leave me out of this? I know you. I know you’re going to find Ty or do something you want me to stay away from. Well, Kaleb. I hate to tell you, I won’t tolerate being treated like a fucking fragile little bitch who has to stay at home and keep house while you’re out saving the damn world. I don’t know what it was about me that made you think I’d sit back and take this without fighting you on it.”
“Jade. Stop.” His stern words enrage me even more.
“No, Kaleb. You fucking stop. I’m dying here, knowing you’re going on a mission and I didn’t even get the chance to kiss you goodbye, or to discuss any of this with you. Have you ever thought that this mission may go bad and how I’ll feel if I never see you again? You know damn well that could happen on any day in our careers. Just like you wouldn’t tolerate me doing this to you, I’m not going to stand by and watch you do this to me.”
“What’re you saying, Jade?” I stop. What am I saying? Can I deal with this kind of stress on a normal basis? Do I really want to give up everything to be treated like this when I’ve worked my life to be treated as an equal? If I can’t even get that in my relationship, how do I expect to get it in my career?