What If

Normally Briar hanging up on me would send me into a maddening rage. My normal action would have been to drive to her house, barrel into her apartment, and let her know how unacceptable that was. But, though it still pissed me off, I didn’t know what I would do once I was there. Would I look into her eyes and see all the fear I felt reflected in them? I couldn’t take that after the day I already had. There was nothing left for me to say. I told her everything that I could. She knew I loved her, that I wanted to be with her, that I had every intention of making her mine for the rest of our lives, but she wouldn’t believe me until Lacey and I were over. Even then, if Miles was mine she might still run…

The bed felt more comfortable than I remembered - maybe because it had been months since I actually got to lie down on my own mattress, or maybe because I was that tired. But as soon as my head hit that pillow I was out.



When I woke up it was early morning, the sunbeams only beginning to find their way through the window. I rubbed down my face roughly and then sat up. I still had on my clothes from the day before, and the drowsiness still ebbed its way through my body. Forcing myself to stand from the bed, I went into the bathroom, turned the shower as hot as it would go, and hopped in. I scrubbed away at the grime from the day before, wishing it were that easy to rid myself of the dread in my gut.

Today I would find out if Miles were mine. I didn’t know when I would know or how they would tell me. Did it come on a piece of paper hand delivered by a nurse or something? Or was I called into a room where they sat me down and gave me the news? I guess the way I found out wouldn’t matter in the long run. But it seemed like an easily manageable thing to consider instead of what I would do after I found out the results. If I continued thinking about that too much, I’d end up losing my mind.

Throughout the past six months I chastised myself constantly for not wearing protection when I slept with Lacey. Hell, I regretted sleeping with her at all when, even then, I knew I didn’t want to be with her. If I had known Briar was willing to give me a chance, that she even cared for me at all, I wouldn’t have done it. At least, that’s what I liked to believe. In reality, I was higher than a fucking kite majority of the time in California; thinking rationally wasn’t my forte.

I didn’t remember drying off or getting dressed; the movements were all from muscle memory. I grabbed the clothes that Lacey wanted for Miles and a teddy bear. My hair was still damp, a few drops dripped down my neck as I drove toward the hospital.

Once I was there, things seemed relatively calm. Lacey was so caught up in Miles that she didn’t spend a lot of time focusing on me. She was different now; I could see the change in her: the softness in her eyes where they used to be harsh and ready for a fight. When she looked at Miles, a serene smile spread across her face. Before, I never imagined Lacey being a mother. She never seemed like the type of woman that would ever be interested in having a child. Yet, now looking at her, I could see it. Miles would have a mother that would spoil him rotten.

I kept to myself, looking up constantly, wondering if the next person that came into the room would be there to give me the results of the paternity test. It was too early, too soon - I knew that - but my automatic reaction was still there. My legs bounced up and down in the uncomfortable metal chair that made my ass numb and my back stiff.



Eventually, I looked up and a middle-aged woman came in with a piece of a paper in her hand, and I knew… I knew this was it. She was a fierce looking lady who didn’t smile. Her hair was red and pulled back into a tight knot at the back of her head. The years hadn’t been kind to her.

“I have the results of the paternity test. Do you need me to read this to you? It’s straightforward. If you have any questions, my desk is down the hall and to the right,” she rambled off the directions to find her. I didn’t pay attention to one word after “paternity test.”

“We can figure it out. Thanks.” I took the envelope from her hand. She left the room as soon as I collected it from her. Walking over to the window in the room, I leaned against the small ledge and slipped open the lip of the envelope.

I felt Lacey’s eyes on me as I slid the folded up paper out. I glanced up from my hands and took one last look at Lacey holding Miles. Reading Lacey never came easy to me, so her thoughts were wholly hidden. She didn’t smile or look nervous. She seemed placid.

The soft crinkling sound of the paper made us both look down at my hands. My grip on the results caused the paper to crease. I was honestly scared to death of what I was about to read. I didn’t know how to break the news to Briar if Miles was mine, but I also didn’t know how to tell her he wasn’t.

Unfurling the paper, I took one last cleansing breath and looked down at the results.





Two days later, and I hadn’t heard another word from Arrow since I hung up on him. To me it seemed like an obvious decision was made. He would’ve gotten the results by now? yet he didn’t feel the need to call me and at least inform me that he was the dad and would try to work things out with Lacey.

Loneliness seeped its way into every orifice of my body. I guess, when it came down to it, I wasn’t prepared for this outcome. I tried to think of all the possibilities. My dad always told me to prepare for the worst-case scenario. I was never very good at following those words. Even when I tried, I was usually wrong about just how wrong things could go. Being left in the dark, yeah, that was worse than hearing the words from Arrow.

It was a weekday so I had to be at work even though I was nursing new wounds. The kids were always capable of brightening my mood, and they did their best. Their comments made me smile, and some even made me laugh, which at this point felt foreign. Still, despite the bit of reprieve from my thoughts, when I got home I deflated, crumbling onto the couch and closing my eyes. I fought the urge to scream by covering my face with a decorative pillow, groaning into the fabric.

The front door creaked open and a light breeze from outside hit my bare arms. Thinking I didn’t close the door completely, I grunted, not wanting to move from my lazed position.

“You going to say hello or just lay there?” Arrow’s voice rumbled, sending a shockwave down my spine. I jumped up into a sitting position, throwing the pillow down, and looked up at him with wide eyes. He came! His presence changed the environment of my house from slightly chilly to scorching hot. His massive shoulders took up the doorway entrance, and his height made me feel even shorter from where I sat.

His timid yet coy smile sent a fluttering down to my lower stomach. I pressed my thighs together, silently cursing how turned on he made me by those small looks, especially when I still didn’t have a clue what was going on.

His long strides put him directly in front of me in only a few steps. I didn’t dare stand up; my legs would’ve given out on me if I tried.

“You didn’t call.” Blame rang clear in my words and in the narrowing of my eyes as I looked up at him.

“There was a lot that needed figured out, and I wanted to do that before I spoke with you.” He knelt down on his knees in front of me, our eyes level.

“Figured I wouldn’t be hearing from you,” I admitted.

His eyebrows drew together, lips tightening into a straight line.