What If

He wasn’t lying next to me when I awoke, and I can only imagine the fury he must have felt knowing I was still in his bed. I would never blame him for hating me. I sort of hated myself. Still, I had to apologize, though the words would most likely be meaningless to Killian. He had to know that I did love him. I always would have love for Killian; it just wasn’t the sort of love he deserved. It wasn’t the amount of love I was capable to feel for another person.

I padded into the living room area and spotted Killian in the kitchen, pouring coffee into his mug. His back faced me, allowing me to build up confidence before speaking to him.

He was an attractive man. He had on a pair of loose fitting, blue-striped pajama pants and no shirt. It was his typical sleepwear. Seeing him doing one of the things he always did when we lived together was bittersweet. He poured a large amount of cream and stirred. I still hadn’t so much as moved when he slowly turned around, looked up, and smiled timidly at me.

“Did I wake you? I was trying to let you get some rest.” He grabbed another mug and started pouring me a cup. He stirred in a lighter amount of cream, the way I liked mine.

“No, you didn’t wake me,” I said quietly. He slid my cup across the small island towards me. I walked up to it and wrapped my hands around the warm glass.

“I am so sorry,” I blurted out, eyes wide, cheeks flushed. I waited for him to yell at me or belittle me. But Killian would never do that.

He eyed me warily, and I waited. I stared at his beautiful face framed by his new black glasses.

“What are you sorry for?” He wondered. His head tilted a bit to the side in question. “For last night?”

“Yes,” I whispered and frowned, but I knew I had to say more. “And for everything I’ve put you through.”

The slightest smile curved his lips upward. “Briar, I’ve known your feelings for Arrow for a long time.”

I shook my head in shock. My heart had to still be beating, but it didn’t feel that way. What’s he saying? “What?” I croaked out.

“I admit I didn’t realize quite how strongly you felt towards him, but I knew it was him you wanted,” he explained, wincing. “Sometimes I told myself that your feelings for him were past and didn’t exist anymore. And sometimes you made that easy to believe. We were happy, weren’t we?”

“I was always happier with you than without you,” I conceded.

“But then there were other times when I would look at you and see an overwhelming grief. And I knew why it was there, and I also knew I would never be able to take Arrow’s place.” Hearing the heartbreak in Killian’s voice nearly brought me to my knees. But I continued to listen anyway, knowing he deserved to be heard. “I didn’t ask for a divorce because you didn’t want kids, Briar. I asked for one so I could force you into a decision. I hoped you would see that a life without me wasn’t what you wanted and that you would somehow suddenly want me and only me…” He chuckled humorlessly. “Joke was on me, wasn’t it, baby?”

I walked around the island slowly, making my way to his side. He turned to face me, looking down as I looked up at him. Tears made his bright blue eyes look like waves in the ocean. I moved into him, putting my arms around him, resting my head against his pectorals. I wished I were in love with Killian, that we could be happy together, have a family, would grow old and never look back and wonder “what if.” But that wasn’t in our cards.

“I wish I could go back in time to my freshman year of high school and not go to that party, not meet Arrow, not feel what I feel. We would’ve been perfect,” I mumbled into his shirt. But he heard me. He let out his breath and relaxed against me.

“Briar, you’ll always be the girl that got away,” he said sadly. “But you have the rare ability to get the one that got away from you.” I stiffened against him. How could he say that after everything I told him last night about Arrow still being married and how Lacey was pregnant? His hand rubbed my back up and down, calmingly. “Don’t lose hope so easily. It sounds like Arrow doesn’t plan on giving up, so why are you?”

That was the question wasn’t it? But, I knew the answer: I was scared. Scared that in the long run Arrow would choose Lacey again, and I would be left in the dust to pick up the pieces of my heart. I wasn’t lying when I told Arrow that having a child with another woman was too much. It was. It felt like a bullet went straight through an artery when I heard Lacey tell Arrow she was pregnant. At the same time, though it hurt, I wasn’t sure Arrow having a child was a deal breaker. He was married to Lacey; they were living together in California. Arrow and I had yet to reconnect. Was it fair to hold that against him? No, it probably wasn’t, but I still wasn’t sure if I could get past it.

The fact that he was still married to Lacey was the shock of a lifetime. I had just spent an entire night being loved by Arrow only to find out I wasn’t the person he should’ve been touching in such a way.

Though I wanted to believe that Lacey was always the other woman, it wasn’t true. This time I was, and the guilt and disgust filled me to the brim.

Killian interrupted my thoughts by saying, “Why don’t you take me to breakfast, huh? I’ll take that as your apology for last night. And I think we could both use a pick me up.” He winked at me, lightening the mood as best he could.

“Sure,” I said with a small smile. “I’d love to buy you breakfast.”

“Great. Let me get dressed real quick. Make yourself comfortable; I’ll only be a minute.”

It was longer than a minute. In fact, it was almost ten minutes later before Killian came out into the living room ready to go. I didn’t say anything or ask questions. He picked up the keys to his car and walked towards the door. “Ready?” he asked.



We sat in a booth near a window. We both ordered more coffee, and I added an orange juice as well. After looking at the menu, I decided on a stack of pancakes with a side of bacon; Killian ordered some sort of a combo which included five different items.

I noticed that Killian’s eyes would snap to the door every time it opened, and it began making me anxious.

“Are you expecting someone in particular?” I asked him when his eyes darted that direction for the millionth time.

He smiled with conspiracy at me, reached across the table, and took my hand in his. His fingers were warm from his mug of coffee, but not uncomfortable. I didn’t know why he held my hand, but I had no reason to pull away, nor did I want to. He was there for me last night when he could’ve told me to leave and find someone else to confide in. I waited for him to say something because the look in his eyes confused me. He glanced over my shoulder and grinned, then looked back at me. Chills broke out across my neck and ran down my spine. Something was going on, but I didn’t know what.

I started to look over my shoulder when Arrow’s voice bellowed through the small, quaint restaurant. “Briar Paige, what the fuck?”

I froze, my shoulders jumping up, nearly hitting the lobes of my ears. I bit down painfully hard on my bottom lip and looked up with panic at Killian. I squeezed his hand, my nails digging into his skin. This was not good.

Killian grimaced but held my hand tightly in his. I don’t know what he was trying to tell me silently, but his eyes were alight and he wore a frustrating smirk.