What If

Lacey was six months pregnant when I stopped talking to Arrow completely. I couldn’t make myself call him, and every time his name came up on my phone it threw me into a state of depression. If being his friend was this hard, if it made me feel so lousy, I had to step away.

Of course, Arrow didn’t make the decision easy. He would text constantly, call, leave voicemails, and he made sure to let me know he knew exactly what I was trying to do and that he wasn’t going to let it happen. However, as much as Arrow wanted to control what I did, he couldn’t.

There was a particularly difficult voice message of his where he hollered for a full five minutes about the fact that I was now the one lying to him, that he couldn’t believe I was pushing him away again. He sneered each word in a loud, roaring voice that made the blood in my ear thump. I decided the only way to get through this was to change my phone number. I called Darcy on my way to the cell phone store and explained what I was going to do. The sadness in her voice echoed through the phone.

“If that’s what you have to do to be happy, then do it, Briar,” she said in strange voice.

“It’s what I have to do to stay sane,” I admitted, turning left into a busier street.

“He has a lot of nerve asking you to wait for him when he can’t know how the future is going to play out! Lacey isn’t going to allow them to divorce, and he doesn’t know if the kid is his. Briar, I think it’s time you start trying to move on.”

“I am trying.” I rolled my eyes though she couldn’t see me. Darcy had never truly been in love. I knew that because she thought getting over someone was easy, should only take a couple of days. The fact that I was still mourning the loss of a future with Arrow months later dumbfounded her. She didn’t fully realize that I’d been mourning the loss of Arrow for nearly a decade. This wasn’t a new feeling. What was new was how fresh the wound felt. The cuts in my heart felt deeper than ever before, raw. That’s what happens when you finally give yourself to someone fully, finally thinking that your lives were going to tangle into one, I repeated to myself.

“No, I mean it’s time to really try letting him go, Briar. You’ve been holding on to him since we were fifteen; aren’t you exhausted?” she inquired. Hell, she was more observant than I gave her credit for, and she wasn’t wrong.

“I don’t know how…”

She sighed softly. “Every day when you start thinking of him, try to change your thoughts and think about something else. Maybe eventually you won’t think of him again.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” I pulled up to the building, ready to change my number. “But it’s worth a try.”



I still had all the contacts from my original number saved on my new SIM card so that I would know who called me. Very few people were given my new one: parents, Darcy, some teachers at work, and eventually… Killian.

I tried to not think about the amount of missed calls, texts, and voice messages I would’ve received if Arrow didn’t get the disconnected tone whenever he called. I pictured a fiery look in his eyes the moment he realized what I had done to keep from speaking with him, to keep him away from me.

The irony wasn’t lost on me. I was doing exactly what Arrow had done to me when he graduated from boot camp and got serious with Lacey. It didn’t feel good when it happened to me, so if Arrow felt for me even a smidge of what I felt for him, he would be hurting or at least angry over it.

But he had a pregnant wife to worry about. Being in contact with me wasn’t good for any of us, and it felt wrong.

Nearly two weeks after I changed my number, I drove home, pulled into my typical parking space, got out of my car, and took one step towards my apartment when I saw Arrow standing outside of my door. I gasped loudly causing him to turn, to face my direction. My eyes met his steely ones. He was furious. I took one step back towards my car as he came barreling towards me.

“Don’t you close that door!” he commanded and picked up his pace, arms moving back and forth by his ribs as he ran towards me.

I spun around and threw myself into my car, pulling the door closed behind me, and hitting the lock button quickly. My breathing was ragged, heart speeding in an unhealthy way. My hands began to tremble from the adrenaline. I didn’t bother wiping the strands of hair out of my face; instead I turned the key to start the ignition and put my car in drive.

Arrow started beating on my window.

“Briar,” he warned. “Don’t you drive away from me.” His voice was ice, making my entire body shiver from his severe tone.

I paused and looked out my window and into his rugged, determined face. His facial hair was a bit longer than usual, looking scruffy and sexy. I bounced around his face, not meeting his glance. He lips were thinned in a straight, hard line.

“Unlock the door,” he ordered in an authoritative voice.

I met his glare with an intense one of my own. “No,” I said stiffly.

“Did you get a new number?” God, that voice was frightening.

“Maybe.” I pushed lightly on the gas pedal, but he jumped to the front of my car, making me hit the brakes.

“Why?” Now he looked like he was in pain. His eyes were still narrowed but confused and maybe a tiny bit glassy. His hands rested on the front of my car, his shoulders falling forward and his eyes burning into me.

I shook my head and then placed my forehead down on my steering wheel, groaning. Honesty would be the only way for us both to move on.

“Because I can’t be your friend. It’s impossible. I can’t be anything more either…” I said loudly, yelling it, releasing the words like they had been building up and piling like bricks inside of me, waiting to tumble over and out of my lips.

He moved back to my door, his hands moving up the window like he wanted to cup my face. He leaned his face in, nearly touching his lips to the glass. “And you can do that? It’s that easy for you to pretend like nothing happened between us?” He wondered. I didn’t say anything, instead stared at him, my chest rising and falling. “That’s what you want? Want me to stop showing up here, to stop trying to get a hold of you? Stop all of it?” I imagined Arrow not trying, running away, moving to another state, and staying with Lacey. My face must’ve given me away because he smiled sadly. “Yeah, I didn’t think so, Briar.” He tried the door handle, but it was still locked. “Get out of the car.”

I shook my head back and forth. “Arrow, I need some space. I have to think. Listen, your baby is going to be here soon. What is there, two or three months left? You should focus on Lacey.” I tried to sound soothing but the words were sour on my tongue.

“You said you would try,” he seethed.

“And I have,” I spat with more venom. “Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do if I were still married to Killian? If I had lied to you about that small fact?” His whiskey eyes were slits, barely allowing the color of his irises through. “And what if I was also pregnant by him?” His eyes widened and he took a step back like the mere thought wounded him. Welcome to my fucking life. My thought seemed harsh, but it’s what I felt. I felt stuck in a deep hole, deep enough that I couldn’t climb out. I shrugged. “Not a pretty picture in that mind of yours, is it?”