What If

Afterwards, she fell asleep, tucked against my body. I watched her sleep, the light flaring of her nose, the pinkness of her cheeks, and the little twitches her eyes made. She was mine, finally, after everything we had been through, after living separate lives… somehow the roads lead us back to one another.

Eventually, my eyes closed too. I slept for a few hours. It was not a deep slumber because I was afraid I’d awake again and scare her. After those hours, I shifted out from underneath her. She stretched, her breasts slipping out from below the sheet. God, she’s beautiful. I tucked the blanket over her, not wanting to cover her body, but not wanting her to get cold either. I went to the bathroom to take a quick shower and to think about the one last barrier standing between Briar and I having our happily ever after. I didn’t know how I was going to break down that barricade, but I’d find the means to do so. I had to.





It wasn’t soft kisses or the feel of Arrow next to me that woke me like I would’ve liked. It was the sting of a slap across my face.

My hand went to my cheek just as the hand pulled away, a loud scream left my mouth, and I sat up, trying to grab the blanket from gathering at my waist. I only half succeeded. Standing off to the side of the bed was a familiar face… A blonde haired, blue eyed, scrawny, but irritatingly pretty woman.

“Lacey,” I said in surprise.

“You whore!” she screamed. “I always knew you were a home wrecking piece of trash! Sleeping with my husband!”

Perplexed, I stared at her, wondering what gave her the right to charge into her ex-husbands apartment and talk to me this way. The stinging in my right cheek only served to tick me off more.

“You mean ex-husband?” Thinking that I had her, I said it in a calm tone.

“Is that what he told you?” she laughed. Instantly my blood turned to ice.

Arrow entered the room from the bathroom, running hastily and stopping when he saw Lacey in his bedroom. His eyes went hard.

“What are you doing here?” He took a step towards me, trying to hide my naked body from view. He peered over his shoulder. “Briar, take your clothes and go get dressed in the bathroom.”

I nodded, wrapping the sheet around my body, picked up my underwear from where it laid in the bedroom, and then ran out to the living room to find the rest of my clothes. I rushed into the restroom, pulling each piece of clothing on as quickly as possible, not wanting to miss out on what was going on between Lacey and Arrow.

There was a cruel resonance when Lacey laughed at the idea of her being his ex-anything. But I also wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her… which wasn’t very far, if at all. Arrow, I could trust and would trust. I tried not to jump to conclusions as I jogged back to his room. I stood outside the door where neither of them could see me when I heard Lacey’s high-pitched words.

“How does it feel to cheat on your pregnant wife?” she asked him.

Pregnant? Wife? Pregnant wife. Legs shaking beneath me, I leaned against the hallway wall, pinching my eyes closed, taking breath after breath, praying I heard wrong.

“What do you mean pregnant?” Arrow asked in an angry baritone.

“You heard me. You’re going to be a daddy.” Her voice was sickly sweet, dripping with syrup. “Don’t worry baby. I’ll forgive you for your little screw up. Our child needs us to be together.”

“Lacey, what in the fuck are you talking about?”

I slid to the ground, my legs giving out on me. I drew my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs, and laid my head on the bony joints. Tears were already soaking through my clothes. Describing the utter devastation that I felt when hearing those words that Arrow was having a child with another woman, that he seemed to still be married even though he told me they weren’t together, was an impossible task.

How do I describe it when I just spent all night making love to the man who has owned me, heart, body and soul, for as long as I can remember? When I listened to all the gory and unimaginable details of what was done to him in Afghanistan? When I looked him in the eyes, he looked into mine, and I saw both of us healing. I could feel him being stitched back together, because we were one.

At least, that’s what I felt. I thought he felt that too. Now I questioned everything. Had everything been a lie? He said they weren’t together; that was a lie. Was he lying about never telling anyone else about what happened to him? Did he never tell Lacey? Was it all untrue? Purposefully deceiving so that he could get me out of his system?

They either spoke quieter, stopped talking completely, or my brain stopped allowing their conversation to resonate in my ears. I couldn’t hear anything except my blood pumping. I couldn’t feel anything, not even my teeth gnawing savagely at my lower lip, trying to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs.

In a span of ten minutes I went from complete happiness, from finally feeling whole, to the devastation and massacre of my heart. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Arrow was the one to break me all over again. He did it so many times in our past that I should have been immune to the shock my body went into. Yet, here I sat again, an absolute mess over the same man. We were doomed to this slow burning dance. One minute of blissfulness, of laughter… the next minute he took me down in a massive explosion.

It was like dancing in the rain in the middle of a thunderstorm. The water soaked into the layers of my clothing, but I didn’t care. There’s unreserved freedom in throwing my arms out and letting the beauty of Mother Nature seep into my skin. But there’s also an incredible danger in that storm. There’s lightening, tornadoes, and floods. But those are all the components of the storm, and those were also all part of Arrow. He felt like rain on a particularly hot day: cooling, relaxing, soothing, beautiful, and needed. But he was also the lightning that strikes down at your feet, making your heart stop completely when you least expect it. He was the tornado whisking me off into his harsh winds, tossing me around in this sickening circle, and then throwing me out in the midst of the chaos he created. He was the flood; he drew me under with his current, never letting his hold go, and ultimately causing my breath to seize.

I sat there, trembling like there was an actual cold rain falling on my skin. I don’t know how long I sat there, or how long Arrow shook my shoulders, chanting my name over and over again.

“Briar, baby…” he pleaded.

I lifted my face from where it rested on my knees. I must’ve looked just as tragic as I felt because I could no longer feel the salt water leaking from my tear ducts. The warmth still ran down my face and dripped from my chin.

I had to ask him one thing… only one, and he needed to be honest with me. Slowly I rose from my place on the floor. His hand helped guide me up even though I tried pulling away.

“Is it true?” I croaked out. “Arrow, are you still married? Is she having your baby?”

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down when he struggled to swallow.

“Tell her baby,” Lacey said behind him. I didn’t bother looking up at the snarly bitch behind him. I stared at his eyes, daring him to meet mine and tell me it wasn’t the truth. When his whiskey eyes did look into mine, I knew the truth.

“Technically we’re still married,” he admitted with a wince.

I didn’t plan my reaction. It wasn’t a thought, it was a natural effect of those words that felt like a hand digging into my chest and trying to rip the very organ that kept me alive out of my body. My hand came up and slapped him across his face. The pink blossomed on his left cheek.