What If

“Briar, that’s not true, and you know it. We just keep running into road blocks, but if we stick it out that fucking road will clear.” I tried to take her hands in mine, but she pulled away like my touch was a strike.

She smiled sadly, and my heart dropped into my stomach. “We are in a constant state of construction, Arrow. There’s no clearing out the road for us. We’re the horrible accident that happens in front of everyone’s eyes. You know the one that you see happening, but you can’t stop it? That’s us. We were bound to crash into each other. We’re just those unlucky people who crash more than once.”

The hair on my head was taking a beating; I pulled, tugged, yanked on the tiny strands that had grown just long enough for me to get a hold of.

“Briar, I love you,” I admitted out loud to her.

She didn’t say it back; she stared at me doubtfully.

“I love you. I do,” I began. “I have these memories that have played over and over constantly in my head like a song on repeat. They are all of you. You know what’s absolutely insane?” I bit down on my thumb and looked at her sad face. “When I think about my past, there is no Darcy or Lacey or any other girl in between. It’s just you. It’s me wanting you but knowing that I can’t have you. Pining, always pining, for you.” Her hands went to her ears to try to block out my words. Her face looked pained, and her eyes closed tightly. Reaching up, I took her hands away from her ears. “If you’re tired of lies, then you need to hear the truth,” I said gently but forcefully. “You’re it for me, Briar. You’ve been the girl I could’ve, should’ve had, and I’m so damn tired of not having you. You’re my past, my present, and I hope to God you’re my future.”

“Stop. Please… just stop,” she begged in a watery voice.

“Briar, I’ve been trying to divorce Lacey for nearly a year - ever since I almost died from overdosing on drugs. When I woke up, I knew that she and I… we would never be happy. I admit that I slept with her before I moved back here, but I’m also positive I’m not the only man she was sleeping with. I shouldn’t have led you to believe we were already divorced.”

“Ya think?” she bit out.

I ignored her sarcastic tone and continued. “The point is she knows how I feel. I’ve been sending her the papers constantly, hoping that she’ll get tired of looking at them and just sign! She won’t; she’s fighting me tooth and nail over this. As far as I’m concerned, she’s no longer my wife, and I hope that soon I can make that legally recognized.”

I took a breath, preparing for the next part, the part that probably hurt Briar the most.

“Maybe I am this kid’s father,” I said softly, looking down at my feet and then back at her. She visibly slackened, her shoulder falling forward, crushed. “I don’t think I am, but maybe I am. Is that going to be the final straw for you and me?”

She didn’t answer me. She looked at me, perused my face, shoulders, chest, and then looked down at her fidgeting fingers.

Finally, I saw the slightest bit of emotion. She sniffled lightly and blinked quickly, trying to keep from crying. “Arrow, you know I love children.” She looked up, waiting for me to give her an answer that I did in fact know that about her. I did. She always had. I nodded. “I could never hate a child who belonged to you. Never,” she said confidently. “But the idea of someone else…” Her voice broke. I wanted to hold her so damn badly. How was I supposed to comfort her when I knew that the mere idea of her having a child by another man would kill me? “The idea of someone else having your child is… it’s too much.” She looked into my eyes deeply, begging me to understand. “It’s too much,” she whispered again.

I understood. But, I wasn’t willing to give up yet. “What if it isn’t mine? Will you try this with me Briar?”

“I can’t think that far ahead, Arrow. Right now you’re still married and might have a baby on the way. If you get a divorce… if the baby isn’t yours… then we can talk about the possibility of us. For now, there isn’t one for us.” She stood up and walked towards the door. “I think it’s best if you go back to your pregnant wife.” The door creaked open, the soft light from the sun spilling into the room.

Sick. I felt ill. I walked to her and cupped her cheeks in my hands. “Don’t run away from me. I get it… you can’t be with me right now. But wait for me. Please, wait until I can give you some answers?” Her cheeks were warm underneath my thumbs. “Can you give me that?”

Studying me, she smiled weakly. “I’ll try. I can’t promise anything though, Arrow. I don’t know how I am going to feel in six or seven months when we find out about the baby. But if you’re asking me to continue talking to you, I can do that. I can try to be your friend.” I shuddered at the idea of only being her friend, but for now I would take it.

“Thank you,” I said sincerely and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek. I felt her eyes on my back as I walked to the truck, but when I looked over my shoulder the door was closing, putting another barricade between her and me.





Month after month passed by, and each day that came and went without having Arrow was torture. I kept my word by calling him at least once a week or answering his phone calls, mostly. We sent texts back and forth a little, but it was a struggle trying to be his friend. The guilt from sleeping with a married man weighed heavily on my shoulders. Darcy tried to tell me it wasn’t my fault, and for the first time since Arrow came back to Greenville, she was furious with him.

Darcy actually sided with me in all of this, which said something because usually we didn’t agree on anything. She wanted me to be with Arrow, thought we were always meant to be. Now I could see the sorrow in her features when she looked at me, knowing that she may have been wrong. She wanted to hunt him down and kick his ass for leading me to believe he was no longer married and a free man, and then she wanted to rip his gonads off for possibly getting Lacey pregnant.

I saw Arrow twice since the day he came to my apartment. Once, I agreed to go out for a coffee. Originally he asked for me to have dinner with him at the local steak house. That sounded more like date than a friendly meet-up. I told him coffee or nothing, and he agreed, though he was frustrated about it.

The second time I saw him was by accident. I ran into him at the store where he had diapers, bottles, and formula loaded up in a cart and was getting ready to check out. He didn’t look comfortable at all, maybe nervous about the upcoming baby. I wasn’t sure, but he worried his lip with his teeth and glared down into his cart. He noticed me when he looked away from all the child paraphernalia.

I tried to smile at him, but it was weak. Seeing him with all of the baby stuff felt like a kick to my gut and I wanted to fall to the ground and curl into a ball. Seeing Arrow purchasing baby things made it seem more real, like maybe even he was beginning to think Lacey’s child was also his.

We didn’t have a lot to say to one another in that moment. It was awkward at best, but to me it felt more like a death sentence. This was it… he was having a baby with another woman. Once that baby was born he’d want to stay with Lacey because that’s the mother of his kid. A new love would form between the three of them. They would have their own small family, and I didn’t belong anywhere in there. I couldn’t even blame him.