What If

I called Darcy a few hours later when I hadn’t heard any thing else from Arrow. She sat on the phone with me for over an hour after I declined her offer to come over and help take my mind off of it.

“Okay, seriously though. Why hasn’t he contacted me yet to tell me what’s going on?” I chewed the skin of my lip, running my teeth back and forth on the tender skin.

“For the hundredth time, he’s probably ridiculously busy trying to not pass out from the horrific noises Lacey must be making. Not to mention battling with her constant nagging.”

She tried to make me laugh or at least crack a smile, but I couldn’t. I kept picturing Arrow holding her hand, being the incredible supportive man that he was, and then… a tiny baby with the same whiskey eyes as him.

“Briar, you’re going to need to find a way to relax. Watch a movie or something. Sitting at home and agonizing over every possibility is going to wear you out.” Her concern was palpable even over the phone. “Arrow will call you as soon as he can.”

“What if he changed his mind, and he wants to be with Lacey?” I whispered, sharing my fear with my best friend.

“Okay, I don’t think that’s a possibility, but let me entertain that idea for a minute. So what? What if he does decide he wants to stay with that crazy woman instead of being with you? Guess what, babe? There are no sure things in this life. You’ve been through the wringer with Arrow. You both went through almost a decade of secretly loving one another, both of you utterly torn up over the other. I’ve seen you fall to the ground in pure agony over Arrow, but you know what? You survived. And if he chooses someone else over you - yeah it’ll suck - yeah you’re going to feel like shit for a while - but you’ll be okay.” She finished her spiel with a loud “humph.”

“I don’t think I’ve been okay, ever…” I mumbled, standing from my couch and walking around the living room, picking up books and laying them back down. They weren’t out of place, but I needed to busy myself with anything, even if it was only a frivolous activity.

“Eventually you would be okay. My bigger question is what if this baby is his, Briar? Are you going to stay or walk away?” I stopped, holding two thick, hard-backed books in one hand and looked away from the titles.

Tears threatened to spill. “Darce, I don’t know.” I dropped the books, not caring that they banged loudly onto the table. “I doubt Lacey will let him be with me if the baby is his anyway. Hell, I doubt she’ll agree to a divorce even if they find out he’s not Arrow’s.”

“I think Arrow can be a very convincing person. Give the man some credit. He’ll get it done. Just give him some time. Go pour yourself a glass of wine that I know you have chilling in the fridge and turn on a funny movie or something.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll call you later.” We hung up and I did pour myself a glass of wine. In fact, I had a few glasses. I didn’t put in a movie though. I tried opening up a couple of different books, but I continually read the same sentence over again without understanding the words.

It seemed not even a good book could get in the way of my overactive mind. Every time I looked up at the clock, I cringed. Time was moving in slow motion. I looked at my phone at least once every two minutes, and each time I was met with a blank screen - no missed calls or text messages. I don’t know why I expected to hear something so soon from him when most women were in labor for several hours before it came time to push.

When my phone did finally ring, I was so lost in thought somewhere between a dream state and being awake, that I sat up quickly, my phone launching forward and in between the cushions of my couch. I dove for it, running my hands in the crease, pulling out a pen, chocolate candy wrappers, and finally my cell. I knew the ringer was almost finished, so I hit the button quickly, putting it to my ear.

“Hello,” I said breathlessly.

“Briar.” Arrow sounded completely exhausted. I sucked in a deep breath and waited. “She had the baby. He’s a crier.” He chuckled lightly. “She named him Miles.”

That was all well and good, but not exactly what I was waiting on, though the sound of his voice calmed me slightly. At least he called.

“Are you there?” he asked.

“I’m here,” I said in a quiet voice. “Does he look like you?” I found myself asking, unable to keep the words from bubbling over.

He heaved a deep sigh. “It’s hard to say. You know how all babies kind of look the same when they are born. But the doctor already swabbed his mouth and mine. We’ll know in twenty-four hours.”

I nodded up and down even though he couldn’t see me. “So he’s healthy?”

“He is.” Arrow sounded wary, afraid to give too much away. I couldn’t blame him; in all honesty, I didn’t know how much I really wanted to know right now.

“You sound like you could use some rest. Are you heading back to your place or staying at the hospital?” Without knowing what answer I was looking for, I tensed up. Was he staying with Lacey, staying by her side?

“I’m going to head home. I need to take a nap and shower, and Lacey asked me to bring her a couple of things for Miles. I’ll probably head back to the hospital in the morning.” His answer was stiff and direct.

“This is hard,” I said to myself but loud enough for Arrow’s ears.

I heard the release of his breath. I imagined his body relaxing as his lungs emptied, the muscles in his back twitching under my fingertips. “I guess I don’t know exactly what to say right now, Briar. I still don’t have any answers for you, and I’m not going to even bother bringing up the divorce again until we at least know if Miles is mine. Lacey’s beat, and she should have some time to enjoy her son before I bring up an upsetting subject for her.” He seemed angry with me. Why? I didn’t know but his heated tone rang clear.

“I understand. Of course… She should enjoy time with her son and get some rest. Arrow, do whatever you think is best.” I leaned my elbows onto my knees and rested my forehead in the palm of my empty hand, feeling downright drained. “I get it okay? Lacey’s your wife, Miles might be your son; you should spend time with them. If you want to be with her, I’ll understand.” The words barely made it out of my mouth, but they needed to be said. I couldn’t let him walk out on what could be his small family for me because he was scared to let me down.

“That’s not it, Briar,” he snapped.

“See, listen to you! You’re upset with me, and I don’t even understand why! Go home, get some rest, spend time with your family.” Before he could respond, I hung up the phone and tossed it to the opposite end of the couch.

I was losing him all over again. I could feel it.



What was so hard to understand? Why couldn’t Briar wrap her head around the fact that I was beyond anxious?

For God’s sake, I spent hours in the hospital with a woman that I don’t love and who put me through hell for the past six months with her constant blows towards Briar’s and my relationship, and watched her give birth to a baby that might or might not be mine. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing or what was expected of me. I held Miles; he was beautiful, but I didn’t feel any connection to him. When I looked at him I didn’t see my future or me reflected in him. Why did I have a constant battle between telling myself there was no way I was this kid’s dad and then feeling like a total douche because he was? Then why I do feel no bond with him? Is it simply because I’m afraid Briar will run if he’s mine? Or is it because he’s someone else’s son?