Never Enough

chapter 7



Trevor and I had been officially seeing each other for about two months now. It had also been about a month since I’d heard from my mom. Can’t say I was shocked or anything. I expected nothing less from her. Honestly I didn’t expect her to call on a regular basis all of a sudden. At least there was something positive in my life right now. We started hanging out a lot with Halley and Marcus either going to eat or sitting around the apartment. Everything at The Lounge stayed the same. I still sang karaoke in between taking shots and the band playing. When Trevor wasn’t performing, he was glued by my side. Gary really did trust us and he never gave us any problems. I never imagined he would have been so amazing about all this. Believe it or not, I hadn’t been drinking as much as I used to. I still enjoyed myself whether I was drinking or not, but I never left and woke up unable to remember anything. Trevor brought a much needed peace to my life and every day I was more and more thankful for that. He had been so patient with me in the past two months. He brought no pressure to our relationship at all. He just enjoyed me and us hanging out. Most guys would have started complaining by now but not Trevor. I was glad he was so understanding.

He called me earlier and said he wanted to see me before we went to The Lounge. This was a normal affair but his voice had a rather excited tone to it. I had no idea what he was up to but I could tell he had something up his sleeve. He asked if he could pick me up so I told Halley that she and Marcus could go ahead and leave. I had just finished spraying my wavy hair when I heard a knock at the door. I had decided to pull it half back tonight; I was pretty pleased with the way it turned out. I opened the door to find Trevor standing in the doorway wearing a cheesy smile. “Hey beautiful. I missed you.”

“It’s only been a few hours silly.”

“I know, forgive me, but I’m crazy about this girl. I can’t stand being away from her. Maybe you know her? She’s about well, she’s average height I guess you could say and she has this amazing smile and these beautiful eyes. The girl can sing. I’m telling you, like knock your socks kind of singing. Tell me you know her or I just may die.” The cocky grin on his face about made me think he was really crazy and not just about me. Crazy in general, crazy like I’m going to call the mental ward.

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “I missed you too. I’m not sure if I know her though. She sounds amazing I must say.” He leaned in and kissed my lips. My arms wrapped around his neck and I let myself get lost for a brief moment.

He pulled away and asked, “So can I come in, or you going to make me stand outside?” Damn, I’d forgotten my manners again. I just couldn’t resist those soft lips of his.

“You shouldn’t be kissing me. Don’t you need to find this girl you were telling me about?”

He kissed my cheek and made a trail down my neck then back up to where he started. His lips brushed over mine just lightly enough to make sparks fly and he whispered, “I just found her thank God. So you going to let me in or what?”

My breathing was ragged as I looked up at him trying to find the words to say when all I wanted to do was kiss those lips. Finally I took a breath and replied,“Well of course!”

He walked in and embraced me in another long hard kiss. He made all my insides melt. His hand brushed against my back and rubbed along the hem of my shirt. That’s as far as he took it. He didn’t try to feel me up anymore, but sometimes I wish he would try just a little more. His touch was electrifying to me. Our kiss ended and he led me to the couch.

“Sit by me, Mace.” I sat on the lumpy couch that I usually tried to avoid sitting on and he looked at my bracelet. “Can I see your bracelet?”

“Oh, uh sure.” I removed the bracelet and placed it in his hand. He pulled a small black jewelry box out of his pocket and opened it. There was a charm inside of the box sitting so neatly. The charm was shaped like a heart. I let out a small gasp. I wasn’t quite sure what he was saying but a heart was something pretty serious.

“I haven’t gotten you a new charm lately and I’m sorry about that. But I wanted to find the perfect one and this one says it all. Macy, this heart charm represents my heart. I can’t deny it any longer, I don’t know that I’ve ever been able to deny it at all, but my heart belongs to you and only you. So will you please accept this charm and my heart?”

I stared at the heart and played his words over and over again in my head while he placed it on the bracelet then placed the bracelet back on my wrist. It was so cute but really corny the way he said it. Almost like a wedding proposal from a really nervous guy. I wish I had a filter on my mouth because instead of just saying a simple yes, I whispered, “I love you.” I tried to put my hand over my mouth but he took my hand in his and looked deep into my eyes. I really hoped this was love. I’d never known what that feels like but I prayed this was it. He made me so happy and the butterflies that were in my stomach; gosh I lived for the moments I was able to feel those. Those moments when everything stopped and he did something as simple as gazing into my eyes. He hadn’t said anything yet. I sat there hoping I didn’t say it too soon or what if he was supposed to say it first? Who knew how this was supposed to go? Great, I may have just messed things up. But I looked up at him and met his eyes; he was just watching me, staring back into my eyes. His eyes were smiling.

“You do?” He asked like a question but it came out rather happy statement and a boyish grin filled his face. Relief washed over my face, whew that was close. “I love you too. So much Macy. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to tell you that.”

My face turned a few shades of red and I admitted to him, “I do. More than you know.” I grabbed his face and brought his mouth to mine. We could talk later. Right now we needed to kiss. I needed to feel his lips on mine. He slid his hands up under the hem of my shirt and brushed them against my stomach along to my back where he pulled me even closer. Thank God I had jeans on. If we didn’t stop now, there may be no going back. I broke the cardinal rule of kissing when I opened my eyes and noticed the time. Shit. We needed to get to The Lounge. I wasn’t scheduled to work tonight but the guys were playing and we were going to need to get there soon so they could set up their equipment. Even though they played all the time, they still took down everything at the end of each show. God I really hated to pull away from him but someone had to or we would both be in trouble. “We better get going. Gary’s going to be wondering where we are and I don’t want him calling and bugging me.”

He stuck his lip out and pouted. He was so damn sexy when he did that. “Do we really have to go?” He leaned in and whispered in my ear sending chills down my spine.

He made my knees weak but I somehow found the strength to say, “Yeah, we do. Don’t give me that pouty lip; you know I can’t resist that.”

He kissed my forehead and smiled, “Ok, ok. Why do you think I did it? I love you. Let’s go.”

“I love you too.” I practically had to drag him out the door and towards the car. His attempt to stay was flattering but as much as I would love to, reality called.

We rode to The Lounge in my Civic hand in hand. I smiled every time I glanced at my bracelet. I wanted to freeze the moment in the apartment. He was so nervous it was cute. How could he think I didn’t love him? He was my entire world and now I really knew I was his. He opened my door for me when we arrived. He was such a gentleman. Uncle Gary told us hey and said we could drink on him tonight. I had already assumed so. I graciously accepted the offer by downing a shot of whiskey. I glanced around looking for Halley and when I saw her I gave Trevor a kiss and made a beeline for her. I tried my hardest to hold my smile back but she could read me like a book.

“Hey roommate! How long has it been?” Her smile practically begging me to tell her everything. She would know eventually anyway.

I gave her a screw you look and replied, “Two hours thank you ma’am! I hardly see you, you and Marcus stay holed up in your room!” I playfully smacked her arm.

“Don’t be jealous!”

“Hahahah, yeah ok! Anyways, Trevor got me a new charm for my bracelet.”

She practically yanked my arm as I tried to dangle it in front of her and looked. “A heart?”

“He said my heart is his.” I felt the butterflies in my stomach just by talking about it. They fluttered around making me almost feel weak. This was the best feeling I’ve felt in my whole life. I prayed it never left me.

“OHMIGOD!! HE LOVES YOU!!” Halley began shrieking and jumping up and down. I glanced over my shoulder to see if anyone overheard her. Good thing everyone was too into drinking or doing whatever they were doing to pay attention to me.

I hit her not so playfully this time. “Whisper bitch! Damn! Can’t tell you anything without half the bar hearing! And if you must know I told him first.”

She let go of my arm and I swear her eyes were going to bug out of her head. A huge smile spread across her face and she embraced me in a hug. “No way! Mace, I’m so freaking happy for you! You deserve this more than anyone in the world. Have you guys had, you know, yet?”

“Hales, seriously you can say sex. I’m not going to flip out.”

“I know I’m sorry. I just, you know am being cautious.”

“No we haven’t. I want to though but I just, I don’t know how to go about it. Besides, you know what, I’ve never been with anyone. Ohmigod what if I’m horrible or I have a panic attack and run out naked and he thinks I’m a weirdo?” Honestly I was scared. As badly as I wanted to give myself to Trevor, I was so scared of going into a hysterical panic attack. Like I just told Halley, I’d never attempted to even be with a man since that night.

Halley gave me a sympathetic look as she replied, “Mace, I can’t begin to even imagine what that was like or what’s going through your head but I do know that Trevor loves you, obviously and if you are too nervous he won’t force you into anything you know that right?”

I smiled at her with assurance. “Yeah I know. I mean he hasn’t pushed yet. Thanks Hales.” I gave her another hug as Trevor and Marcus came walking up.

“Aw Halley, you leaving me for Macy?” Marcus grabbed her by her waist and kissed her lips before she could smack his arm.

Trevor put his arm around me and we all walked up to the bar and took shots. I kissed him and whispered, “I love you. I’ll be right back.” I loved saying those words to him. He had helped me begin to tear down my walls, he was everything to me.

I walked to the DJ booth and flipped through the book of songs while I nodded my head to the beat of whatever was playing in the background. I stared at a few songs trying to make my decision. This was a problem I rarely had but I didn’t just want to sing any song. I was singing to Trevor tonight. I decided on two different songs which was my routine but I was going to sing them back to back this time. The first song came over the speakers and I sang along. The first choice was “Feel Again” by One Republic. The lyrics seemed to sum up every feeling I had inside of me. He made me feel again, he opened up all the avenues I had closed down when I was 19. Halley and Marcus danced, well more like swayed and practically making out like teenagers while I sang but Trevor just watched me smiling. I sang and danced my heart out and the crowd cheered. Maybe I did belong on a stage, this was just fun but what if it were a real thing? The crowd was all used to me performing and they loved every minute of it. When the song ended I asked the crowd, “Do you guys mind if I sing one more before the band goes on?” They erupted in cheers and my second choice came on over the speakers. “You and I” by Lady Gaga came on and I did my best to do her justice. The crowd was already cheering and they got louder. I turned my head to see Trevor on stage with me and we sang together. I had to admit and we were even told later that we sounded pretty amazing together. He laughed and told them all he’d been trying to get me to sing with him. I just rolled my eyes and kissed his cheek. I had no idea he even knew the song. I didn’t peg him to know any Lady Gaga, if anything I should have made fun of him. I just couldn’t find it in my heart to be mean right now. We thanked the crowd for their applause and then he and Marcus met the guys on stage. They played a few more covers tonight. It really didn’t matter what they played. Everything sounded awesome. The crowd really loved them. And I really loved him.

Halley and I stood by the bar while they played. Gary came walking out of his office and walked up to me. “Good job kiddo. You two sounded good tonight.”

“Thanks Uncle Gary. This place has a good turn out tonight. I haven’t seen it this packed in a while.” It was true. The Lounge had its spurts but this was a huge improvement.

“Yeah, I think it’s fantastic. I’m not going to question it. I’m just thankful.” He looked at me with a smile in his eyes then his face got serious. “Can I talk to you for a second Macy?”

I glanced at Halley who overheard and she nodded her head letting me know she understood. I followed Gary into his office and he shut the door. “Dammit I hate being the messenger.” He took a deep breath and I gave him a puzzled look.

“What is it? Just spit it out I can take it.” I wish I had never said that because I was nowhere near prepared for what he was about to say.

“”I, uh talked to your mom today. And I wanted to be the one to tell you this. She’s not calling a lawyer, she took him back. I guess he sweet talked his way back in and she suddenly doesn’t believe anything you two talked about. I’m so damn sorry kiddo. Please don’t let this ruin your night, you just needed to know and I wanted you to hear it from me. I know you haven’t heard from her since that phone conversation..”

He continued talking but I heard nothing he said. I’m pretty sure my face was pale as if I’d seen a ghost. She lied to me. I told her everything for the millionth time and she said she believed me finally for once and everything was different now. I had to sit in the chair before I fell over. Why was I stupid enough to believe her? I tried my hardest to hold my tears back. I wasn’t going to cry. I came back to reality when I felt Uncle Gary hug me and I let the tears flow. He held me for a few minutes telling me everything would be ok. I noticed the clock. The band would finish their first set soon and Trevor would be looking for me.

Gary looked me in my eyes and said, “I’m here for you anytime you know that. I’m glad you’re here. I’m going to make sure no one’s burnt the bar down. Stay in here as long as you need.”

All I could get out was a simple thanks. He walked out and shut the door and I let the tears continue to fall.

I knew the band was finished with their first set because I could hear a T-Pain song in the background. Unless Trevor could sing like him, they were on break. I tried to muster the strength to get up, clean my face and walk back out to the bar, but I wasn’t ready yet. I heard a faint knock at the door and before I could even think about getting up to see who it was the door opened and Halley walked in. She took one look at my tear stained face and immediately walked over and hugged me. I cried on her shoulder for what seemed like an eternity. I was determined not to let this ruin my night. I just needed to get it all out now and then leave it all in here.

“Mace, what’s wrong?”

I whispered, “She lied.”

Her face became as pale as mine had when Gary told me. “Are you freaking serious? Oh my god no.”

She was at a loss for words too. That was odd, Halley always had words just waiting to come out. I drew in a deep breath and looked in her eyes. “She took him back. She’s not calling a lawyer and basically I’m a liar. Again. I hate her. I’m done. This is not ruining my life anymore. They will rot in hell one day. I’m moving on.” I know I sounded cold and harsh but I didn’t care anymore. From that point on, I decided that part of me was dead. A whole new Macy was born. A carefree Macy who lived and loved her life and her friends. A Macy who didn’t care about what other people thought or whether she was never enough, because she was more than enough.

“Good for you. Let’s clean your face up. Trevor’s bound to be looking for you. “She gave me an encouraging smile which I gratefully returned.

She was just getting ready to start cleaning me up and removing any traces of tears when a brief knock came then Trevor walked in. Just like Halley he saw my face and concern immediately shown. “Baby are you ok?”

I gave a confident, tear streaked look and replied, “Never better. She lied Trevor. She took him back but I told Halley and I’m telling you. I’m done and I’m moving on. I don’t need her and I sure as hell don’t need anyone’s sympathy anymore.”

He gave me a sympathetic smile and held me tight. “I’m proud of you baby, I love you.”

“I love you too.” I kissed his cheek and then replied, “I’m just letting Halley fix my makeup and I’ll be right out.”

“I’ll be waiting by the bar.”

He walked out and Halley immediately went to work on removing my tears. As much as the past had hurt, I was so relieved to finally be done with it. Tonight started the beginning of my life. I had everyone I needed in it. I had Halley, Marcus, Trevor, and my Uncle Gary. I was ready to open this new chapter and take it on. When she finished I gave her a hug.

“Thank you Hales for being the best friend I could ever have. I love you.”

“I love you too Mace. Let’s go have some fun.”

We walked out and met our men at the bar. The band didn’t play again for at least another twenty minutes so we just sat around talking. A few people got up and attempted karaoke. Most were too drunk to even get two words out. I laughed so hard. I had thought about singing again but I didn’t want to leave Trevor. I almost asked him if he’d sing with me again but he’d get too big of a head from that request so I decided to put that one off.

Halley and Marcus were already glued to each other. I looked at Trevor and smiled.

“Thank you for everything Trevor. I can’t tell you how much you mean to me.”

He kissed my lips, parting my lips with his tongue for a brief second enough to tease me and replied, “You’re very welcome babe. I love you so much.”

My insides were hot from that kiss. Possibly, literally on fire. Someone call 911. All I could do was offer him a smile and reply, “I love you too.” We stood there watching the rest of the drunks try to sing for the last few minutes. I thought I was going to pee my pants I was laughing so hard at times. I thought to my earlier conversation with Halley and I felt a braveness come about me. My face must have been obvious because he looked at my sort of puzzled.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

I laughed. “Whatever do you mean?”

“You’re up to something.” He began laughing. “I know you better than you think I do babe.”

“Fine maybe you do.” I smacked his arm then moved in closer and touched his arm. “Will you stay with me tonight?” I felt so feisty and confident.

He looked me up and down and pulled me into his arms before responding. “You want me to stay with you?”

“That’s what I asked isn’t it?”

“I would love to if that’s what you want.”

I grinned and gave him a peck on the cheek. Before he could return the kiss he got pulled away by Marcus. Dammit Marcus. But at least I got a wink before he got on stage.

Halley and I retreated to the bar where we each ordered crown and coke. It was always safer to admire them from afar because sometimes the crowd could get rough.

I took a big gulp of my drink.

"Hales, I just want you to know Trevor is staying at the house tonight."

"What?! Ohmigod!! Please don't be loud. I love you and all but I don't want to hear him smack your ass." Laughing hysterically she tried to sip her drink and spilt most of it on the bar. Looks like I would be babysitting until Marcus and Trevor were done. I accepted the challenge; after all she had babysat me plenty of times before. What are friends for? I grabbed the rag behind the bar and wiped it up and tossed it back at the girl behind the counter. I swear I don't know where Gary found some of these people who worked for him. She literally saw the drink spill and stood there. My mouth started to open and I was going to let this girl have it but I remembered I was a woman in love and I didn't give a shit about her behind the bar.

"No one’s ass is getting smacked you hear me?" I had started laughing now. The thought was just funny. What if he really wanted to do that though? Oh god this wasn't going to be pretty. “I doubt we even do anything Halley. I was just being nice and letting you know so you aren’t shocked when he walks out of my room in the morning."

“You, Macy, are such a liar! You won’t be able to control yourself around him especially when his shirt comes off."

I took a big gulp of my drink and glared at her trying not to laugh but I exploded into a fit of giggles. “Oh ok. So tell me again how long was it before you and Marcus slept together? Two days?”

“Make that two weeks for your information!”

“See hah, I know! And I can handle him with his shirt off I’m almost positive.” I lied straight through my teeth. My mind knew it probably couldn’t handle any of what was going to happen. Halley was still laughing. At least she was easing some of my tension but also giving me a slight panic attack at the same time. I downed my drink and then took two shots. The band was finishing their last song and then we would be leaving.

My eyes could still focus and I could see clearly but I was feeling pretty good when Trevor told the crowd goodnight. Several girls screamed his name and I wanted to shoot my middle finger in their direction and inform all of them he was leaving with me. But I didn’t. Marcus scooped Halley up and she winked at me as they headed out. Gary came up to me and gave me a hug.

“You holding up kiddo?”

I gave him the most assuring smile I could come up with and replied, “Never better.”

“I’m glad. You don’t need to stick around you can get out of here. I’ll close and lock up. Have a good night.”

“If you’re sure I’ll go. Thanks Uncle Gary.”

“No problem kiddo.” He winked while waving me off then went to start closing.

As soon as he walked off Trevor’s arm wrapped around my waist. “Hey you guys were amazing tonight babe.” I met his lips and he explored my mouth like earlier. Teasing just as bad. Dammit.

He pulled away and grinned. “Thank you baby. You need to help close?”

“No, he said have a good night. You ready to get out of here?”

He intertwined our fingers and replied, “Whenever you are.” With that we headed to my car and drove home. My palms began sweating in the car, I was nervous. This next step meant everything and if I gave myself to him there was no going back. The past two months he’d been amazing. I loved him with all my heart and I wanted him to see that. Halley’s always told me that you don’t have to have sex to show love and I know that but I wanted him so bad.

We made small talk in the car and when we got home he opened the door for me and we let ourselves inside. Halley and Marcus must have already retired to the room. That was nothing new and I was determined to scurry into the bedroom so I didn’t have the chance to possibly hear anything. I was already basically scarred for life from my other experience. I didn’t need to be scarred any further from hearing my best friend get her groove on. I grabbed his hand and let him to the room and shut the door.