Never Enough

chapter 6



My eyes were finally starting to dry and Trevor was still holding me. As much as I didn’t want to tell him, I knew he needed to know. After all, he’d just witnessed my breakdown and heard probably more than he needed to and for some reason he was still sitting here. I glanced towards a picture of me when I was four years old that I also keep on my nightstand. I was so young and innocent and probably the happiest kid in the world. I was wearing some Disney character outfit eating a strawberry snow cone. Those were the best days. Now look at me, 23 and a whole hot mess. Why couldn’t I go back to being four then just rewrite my whole life story? It’s never that easy though. Life went on and so have I. There were no more strawberry snow cones in my life, and the ones that were there were not as good as I remembered.

I sat continuing to stare at different pictures around my room and remember the good times in life. There was another one of me and my best friend from middle school. The two of us were inseparable back then but we went to different high schools and drifted apart. I thought back to the past few days at the bar and just a few hours ago when Trevor and I were having fun then I shut him out and now he was about to know the worst secret of my life. My eyes met with his and he watched me with concern. He looked like he wanted to speak but was afraid of what to say. Hell, even I didn’t know what to say at this point in time. Someone had to talk first and I decided I needed to break the ice.

“Trevor, I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Don’t be sorry. Are you ok? You seemed really upset, I’m worried about you.” His eyes searched mine for some sort of answer. He looked really worried and I hated to see that.

“I really feel like I need to let you in on the conversation I just had with my Mom. Please just hear me out and then if you never want to see me again, I’ll find a new job or whatever I have to do so you can still play at the bar.” I was preparing myself to lay it all out for him. None one knew but Halley and Gary. This step was everything and I was terrified to tell him. Would I be enough to keep him after he knew?

“Macy, I don’t care about playing at the bar, I care about you.”

I let out a small chuckle and replied, “You are full of it, and you love playing at the bar.” He let out a half smile and I began to speak again. “Did you ever wonder why I moved here with my Uncle?”

“You moved here for school. That’s what he told me when you first moved here and I asked about you. Then he told me to leave you alone.”

“That’s the partial reason.” I took several deep breaths determined not to start crying again when I told him. Yes, I had been a victim but I have moved on. I kept telling myself I was a strong woman. Nothing or no one can bring me down anymore. Slowly I began letting him in, “When I was 19, my mom’s husband would try to rub against me when we would walk past each other. At first it seemed completely normal, you know when you are trying to get around someone but can’t help but accidently brush against them, but then it began getting really awkward. One day he walked in the bathroom and tried to kiss me and began trying to raise my shirt up but my mom walked in the front door and he slid out before she even noticed anything.” I stopped to take a breath and looked at him. He sat patiently listening and never let go of my hand. I started talking again. “I tried to talk to her privately and let her know what he was trying to do but she wouldn’t hear it. He just wouldn’t do such a thing is what she would say. You’re practically his daughter I can’t believe you.” Deep breath. “He kept trying with the small passes and she always walked in and he would stop, but one day I was in my room texting Halley. School hadn’t started yet but we had our dorm mate assignments so we exchanged numbers and began getting to know one another. He came in and locked the door behind him.” I had to stop for a second to try to control the tears that had begun welling up again. He squeezed my hand gently and I got the strength to finish. “He walked up to me and pushed me down on the bed and he took my pants off and ripped my shirt off. He was so strong, I couldn’t push him off. I tried so hard. I tried to aim for his balls to kick him, I tried everything I could. I screamed as loud as I could manage but no one heard. No neighbors or anything. He raped me that night. That’s when I really started drinking. It was the only way to numb what was happening. I wished it were some gruesome nightmare. I sat in the hot shower as long as I could manage that night and cried til I was out of tears. It happened a few more times over that year. She never believed me. I wanted to die every time he walked in. There were a few times I actually contemplated whether or not taking my life would be easier or not. One day I finally called Gary and he told me if I left he could pick me up and I could stay with him. I left everything behind. I didn’t want anything from that house. That’s why I’m here. Obviously I never moved in with Gary because I lived in the dorm but he was my backup plan so that I never had to go back to that house ever again.”

I searched his face for any expression that might show he would laugh at me or leave, but instead he wiped the tears from my face and replied, “Macy, I’m so sorry. I know that wasn’t easy for you. You didn’t have to tell me.”

“I know, but eventually you’d need to know. I didn’t want to keep hiding it from you and lie. I understand if you never want to see me again.” I choked the words out because there was the possibility when he walked out this door he wouldn’t be back.

“Why would I never want to see you again? Because of some sick pervert? That’s not your fault.”

“I should have left sooner.” I was crying again unable to hold the tears back and he kissed my forehead trying to offer some sort of comfort.

“You wanted her to believe you. I mean that’s your mom. I don’t blame you. Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault. I’ve got you, I’m here don’t worry.” He sounded very convincing but I was too nervous to let my guard down.

I practically snorted in his face, “I’m screwed up Trevor. What do you want with me?”

“I don’t care about your past Macy. All I care about is now and the future. The rest of that doesn’t matter. We’re here now in this moment and it’s all that counts.” A few stray tears were falling and he kissed my cheeks where they lay against my fair skin. I sunk down and laid my head in his lap and he ran his fingers through my hair and before I fell asleep I swore I heard him say everything was going to be ok.

When I awoke I noticed Trevor had fallen asleep too. Wait, he was still here? He heard everything and he was still here. I maneuvered the best I could to not wake him. I grabbed a shirt and some shorts and hurried and got out of the bathrobe I realized I was still wearing. He looked so peaceful lying there. Sleeping like a baby. I decided I could wake him in a few minutes. I opened the door to go get a drink hoping the coast would be clear but Halley and Marcus were watching TV. My eyes were bloodshot from crying and well probably also because I had fallen asleep for a little while and when she noticed she got up, grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room.

She shut the door to her room and looked in my eyes. “Mace, you ok.”

“My, uh, mom called earlier. We talked.” Her eyes got huge. She knew Mom and I never talked. “She, uh, left him. She knows everything now.”

“Ohmigod.”Her eyes were filling up with tears. She knew what this meant to me. Dammit, I wish she’d stop. I was tired of crying. “What now?”

“She’s supposed to call a lawyer and see about pressing charges on him if it’s not too late.”

“Hell no it’s not too late. I hope that bastard fries for what he did to you. Does, uh he know?” She pointed back towards my room where Trevor lay sleeping for now.

I looked up at her and replied, “Yes. He saw me freak out and start crying, I felt he needed to know and hear it from me now rather than later. I didn’t know if he’d overheard anything between the crying and Mom yelling, so I just told him. I mean if we ever do become more he would have to know anyway. Halley, he didn’t leave. We actually both fell asleep.”

“Mace, Trevor’s a good guy. Maybe one day you can give him a chance. Now that your mom knows and believes everything now maybe you can finally move on with your life.” She gave me a hug. “Go wake him up and you guys get out of here and catch some fresh air.”

“Ok, thanks girl. I do feel better already.” I smiled at her and walked back to my room.

He was still asleep. I sat beside him watching him continue to sleep so peacefully. I really would have thought he would have left the minute I passed out. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. His eyes peered open and he smiled.

“I fell asleep too?”

“Looks that way, huh?” I was trying to just slightly grin but I couldn’t help it. I had a full smile across my face. Smiling felt actually good considering I’d done nothing lately but cry. Crying was something I was definitely tired of doing. Finally I believed I could put the tears behind me and move on.

He laughed then grabbed my hand lacing my fingers with his. I didn’t stop him. It felt right for once. “Hey what do you say we get out of here today?” I decided to take Halley’s advice. God knows I needed out of this room after the way the day had been so far.

“You sure? I’m perfectly ok with staying here if that’s what you want to do today. We can watch movies and order pizza, anything you want babe.”

I tried to keep my blushing to a minimum but I couldn’t help it. No one had ever called me babe before. So many emotions swirled around and I just couldn’t decipher any of them. “That sounds fun but I’d like to just get some fresh air.” I glanced at him then quickly added, “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

He lightly squeezed my hand and replied, “I want to be wherever you are. Is that ok with you?”

“Let’s get out of here.” I gave him a big grin and met his lips for a quick kiss. Before I could pull away, he pulled me closer and kissed me back with so much passion it made me weak. Good thing we were already sitting. When our kiss ended we stood up together and met for one more kiss and he hugged me like he were never going to let me go. I would be perfectly ok with that.

“Where to?” He asked with a sexy smirk on his face.

“Anywhere is fine with me.” The answer was short and sweet. Hand in hand we headed out the bedroom, gave a quick wave to Halley and Marcus. She was grinning from ear to ear. She couldn’t hide her excitement for us at all. She shooed us out with her hands and with that we left the apartment.

It was such a beautiful day that we decided to walk. The apartment was located in an area that was in walking distance to at least one park, several small cafes and a few little cottage type shops. Honestly, I would be content wherever we ended up. Most likely it would be the park again, but I was a little nervous about a park because of how our first park date had gone just a few hours earlier. Things had changed since then though. So much had changed in the last mere hours and he was still here holding my hand. I never expected him to still be here but he was.

He led me into a small shop called Molly’s Trinkets and Things that sold a lot of, well, trinket jewelry. Halley and I always walked past it but I’d never been in. I never had been much of a jewelry person even though I admired all of it, especially the fleur de lis earrings and necklaces. I gave him a puzzled look that he didn’t notice and started looking around. He pulled me towards a charm bracelet hanging on a little display.

“I want to buy you something.” He said wearing the most adorable smirk on his face. It would be so hard to tell him no, how could anyone tell that face no?

“Trevor, no I can’t accept anything from you.” My eyes were bugging out of my head. I stared outside wandering if I made my way outside, if he would follow and forget about this insane idea of his.

“Yes you can. Don’t argue with me silly. Look at this charm bracelet. It’s beautiful and I think it would look gorgeous on you.” He grabbed it and placed it around my wrist and started looking at different charms. He moved gracefully around the display looking at different ones and putting back what he didn’t like. “We will get you a charm or two today and then occasionally I’ll buy you a new one to add on. This will be our own special thing. I can be your good luck charm, always with you.” He grabbed a guitar charm. “This will remind you of me.” And then he grabbed a beer mug charm. They seriously had those. I tried not to laugh. He was being so seriously sweet about this. “And this is for my favorite bartender. That’s you by the way.” I burst out laughing over his jokes he seemed to be having. He said only one or two today but he grabbed one more that was shaped like a microphone. “This is for your music you sing. Like a bird.” I blushed as he drug me towards the counter. This was beautiful but also unnecessary, I didn’t need a gift, for crying out loud I was shoving him out the door just earlier. He paid the lady a number I just looked appalled at and we walked out.

Once we were outside, it was then I was able to fully look at it. The only bracelets I’d ever owned were cheap trinket bangle things. This was definitely an upgrade. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to accept this. “Thank you so much Trevor I love it. You didn’t have to buy that for me.”

He stopped and leaned in to kiss my forehead. “Don’t be silly Mace, I wanted to. I want to give you nice things.”

I blinked back a few tears that were beginning to form again and grabbed his hand. “I’m sorry. I, it’s just, you, your still here. You didn’t leave earlier.” I admit I was baffled and I probably shouldn’t be questioning him but part of me couldn’t help it. The way I grew up as I got old enough for relationships, no one stayed around because I didn’t let them. I didn’t have time for that.

He lifted my chin up and our eyes met. “I already told you, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to be anywhere you aren’t.”

I stood there and waited patiently for someone to jump out of the bushes laughing telling me that I had fallen for the prank and it was all just a joke. You know like that old show with Ashton Kutcher? My eyes searched his and everything about them told me he was serious. If this wasn’t a joke, then it had to be a dream. That’s it. I figured it out. I used my free arm to try to pinch my other arm and he started laughing. “Macy, what in the world are you doing?”

I actually pinched my arm. Ouch, that hurt. Trevor was still watching me. I laughed at him and then replied, “I was checking to see if this was a dream. There is no way this is real.”

He was still laughing at me because well I‘m sure I did look pretty ridiculous standing on the sidewalk pinching my arm. “Well what do I need to do to you to prove that it’s real? I’ll do anything you want me to show you I am dead serious. You have no idea how long I’ve been watching you and wanting you. And now that I have you, I’m not letting you go.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I don’t care about your past. That’s why it’s the past. It’s over. You can’t undo it but I mean look at you. You’re an amazing woman. I know we could make us work, and well your Uncle Gary is just a hurdle we will have to get over but I think if we sat down with him and talked to him like adults it would work.” Everything he just said sounded just like the dream I had before I had waken up.

Wow, he had a whole plan. I was still trying to convince myself this was still a dream while we began walking to another cafe a block away. There were so many different places to eat down here, but of course we ended back up somewhere that had sandwiches. Maybe they had gumbo here, that would be really good. I glanced at my bracelet and smiled. I absolutely loved it and I vowed to only take it off to wash dishes and shower. The cafe was small and quaint. There were maybe twenty tables in there. They had the best sandwiches I’d ever tasted anywhere. I don’t know if it was the provolone cheese or the sweet bread but they were amazing. I could eat sandwiches any time. Doesn’t matter that we just had poboys for lunch, but they did have gumbo on the menu so I was more than happy to order a bowl of chicken and sausage gumbo. I’d heard good things about it from people around town. He pulled my chair out for me and I sat. The waitress came to take our order then quickly came back with our drinks. I was just getting ready to thank him yet again for everything he’d done so far when a very familiar voice said my name. Surely it wasn’t what who I thought it was. Please anyone but him. Any other day I would be ok with it being him, just not today please. Slowly, I turned to see my Uncle Gary standing right behind me.

Oh great. This wasn’t happening either. Maybe this whole entire day was a dream. Trevor and I never went to the park this morning and Mom never called and talked to me and he sure as hell didn’t know my past and this moment just wasn’t happening right now. Gary was not in this same café standing right behind me. Part of me wanted to play stupid and have a Spanish moment and say ‘No hable’. That typically worked with Halley when I didn’t want to tell her something. She would just roll her eyes and walk away pissed at me but knowing my luck though Gary would slap me out of my chair. Trevor nudged my leg under the table and gave me a suggestive look that I needed to talk to my uncle and possibly we could sort all this now. As bad as I wanted to, I was wondering if it were worth all the potential trouble that we were about to cause. Either Trevor or I would be out of a job and I was ready to fight for Trevor until the end. I wouldn’t let him not be able to play at The Lounge. It made him happy and if it came down to it then I already knew I’d have to find a real job. I drew several deep breaths trying to figure out how to begin talking or what to even say. We could always say we were just out eating as friends and nothing has happened between us. Nothing has happened though, just a few hot kisses. A few hot, amazing kisses.

I decided to turn ever so slightly and my eyes met Uncle Gary’s. I couldn’t read his expression at all and that scared me. I stared at his newly grown salt and peppered goatee trying to figure out how to start this conversation. He’s always had a mustache but recently thought he’d extend his facial hair. The look was good on him, he looked like he was in the pre-grandpa stage. He never married or had kids though, so the only chance of little kids coming around would be from me. He was a war veteran. That’s all he ever had time for, it was his life until The Lounge. “Hey, Uncle Gary. What are you up to today?”

He eyed Trevor and I rather suspiciously, scratching his chin then replied, “Just grabbing something to eat. What about you guys? Anything you guys need to talk to me about?” He was still eyeing both of us. He was no fool.

I gulped and hoped no one could hear it. It seemed so loud to me. “Do you want to sit down with us?” He looked at Trevor for second and sat down.

“Trevor.” Gary wore the most serious expression on his face. Part of me waited for the bloodshed to begin. We’d probably get kicked out of the café and banned for life, if we made it out alive.

“Gary.” Trevor stuck out his hand and Uncle Gary hesitated before shaking his hand. The bloodshed hadn’t begun yet. I crossed my fingers and prayed it wouldn’t. Trevor began speaking, “I don’t want to play any games Gary. I respect you so much, you gave our band a home and I appreciate that more than you know. Macy and I have not been sneaking around behind your back; we just began seeing each other today.” He stopped to see if Gary wanted to sneak a word in but he didn’t. The waitress sat our food down and walked off but neither of us touched it. My gumbo smelt so delicious, I just stared at the bowl waiting to see what was going to happen. Waiting to be able to eat it. Trevor continued. “I know you have your rule about us not getting involved with each other because of the backlash it could bring but with all due respect, I would like your permission to see your niece. I swear I’ll never hurt her or doing anything to hurt your bar. It’s my second home.”

Gary kept watching him, still scratching his goatee I guess to see if he were finally done talking. “You done talking, son?”

They were making me nervous. My palms were beginning to sweat and I was utterly scared for what may happen. Maybe we would both be out of a job by the time this who thing ended. So much for anyone being a good luck charm. Trevor replied, “Yes sir.”

Gary looked at me but I was too intimidated to meet his eyes. “Macy, are you sure you’re ready for something like this. You know I’m only protecting you but you are a grown woman and I can’t protect you forever. I won’t stand in your way if this is something you want.”

I took a deep breath and met his eyes and replied quietly, “He knows everything Uncle Gary. That’s why Mom called earlier. Did she tell you she left him? She said you knew. She even said she’s going to call a lawyer and see about filing charges.” My brain told me not to sound too excited but I couldn’t help it. Things finally seemed to take a turn for the better. This was long overdue for me.

“She didn’t tell me all that but it’s about time she left that a*shole. I could have killed him but you were more important to me. The jail wouldn’t have been able to handle me.” He smiled at me and squeezed my hand and changed the subject. “But you didn’t answer me if you’re sure you want this with Trevor.”

Without hesitation, my eyes stayed with his and I replied, “I do. If I didn’t think we could make something work then I wouldn’t even try. I know your rule so I am fully prepared to go look for a job. Please don’t make the band leave.”

Trevor smiled at me as if he couldn’t believe I just said all that. Gary replied, “You two are adults. I hope I’m not cursing myself by saying this but I think you two can make it work and not run my bar into a hole. I’ve seen how you two look at each other for a while now. I may be old but I’m not stupid. Don’t make me regret this decision though.”

I couldn’t help but laugh and I got up and threw my arms around my uncles’ neck. He really was the best. “Thank you so much for everything!”

“Gary, thanks man. We won’t let you down.”

Gary looked at Trevor with a serious look on his face and said, “I’m serious you hurt her, I’ll hunt you down and that’s a promise. This is my baby girl.” He set his hand on my shoulder and watched Trevor.

“Yes sir. You have my word.”

This whole day definitely was a dream now. I never thought in a million years that my uncle would allow this but yet he had. Having his trust was so important to me. I wanted nothing more than to be able to prove to him that I was fully capable of being an adult. I tried to open my mouth to say something but none of the words would come out.

Gary stood up and said, “Enjoy your day, you both better be at work tomorrow.”

We all laughed and he left. We finally began to eat our food. The bowl of gumbo was still warm and it took no time to devour it. The town was right; it was amazing but still not as good as Gary’s. Trevor leaned over and gave me a kiss on my cheek. I don’t know if I ever believed in happy endings before but I prayed there was such a thing. A happy ending for this screwed up life was exactly what I needed.