On the last morning of our stay with my grandparents, as I made my way downstairs, I found both Seth and Grandad waiting for me. I must have stopped right in my tracks, because Seth just laughed when he saw me and said, "What, you think I’m gonna keep letting you have all the fun?"
I glanced over at Grandad who was standing by the door, his jacket still hanging on the hook. "But you’re coming too, right Grandad?"
"Up to you Ash, I’ll come if you want," he said. "Or do you just want to go with Seth today?"
I glanced over at Seth who simply shrugged as though he didn’t care what happened. I didn’t want to have to choose between them, but I didn’t want one of them to not come either, so I said the only thing I could say. "Both of you come."
We did a couple of runs down the hill together, Seth always beating me because he was fearless and would fly down without even thinking about how to stop at the bottom. Grandad kept helping me pull my sled back up the hill, but after a few runs I could see he was getting tired and now seemed to be having trouble breathing.
"Are you okay Grandad?" I asked.
He could only nod at me as he tried to catch his breath which was blowing out in irregular puffs of white frost in front of him.
"Maybe you should sit down for a minute Pop," Seth said, coming over and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "I’ll do this one with Smash."
Grandad nodded and we left him sitting at the top of the hill as once again, we flew down it. When we got back to the top, he seemed better. He was breathing more normally now and smiling as he saw us. "Alright kiddo, let’s go again."
"Are you sure you’re okay Grandad?" I asked.
"Never better," he answered smiling.
So the three of us set off once more down the hill, Seth as usual getting to the bottom first and then followed by me. When we both turned back to look for Grandad who was always the slowest, he waved at us. As we were waving back, we watched as his hand suddenly went to his chest and his head bent forward. I remember calling out, "Grandad," but not sure if it was even loud enough to reach him.
And then I remember Seth dropping his sled and running up the hill towards Grandad who had suddenly veered sideways as his sled turned over and Grandad fell off it.
I remember Seth turning back to me, a look of terror on his face as he yelled, "Run Ash, run, go and get Dad."
I remember standing there, frozen on the spot, watching Grandad as he lay on the cold snow clutching his chest. I wanted to go to him, see if he was alright. He wasn’t moving at all and the only thought I had was how cold he must be, lying there on the snow.
"Run Ash. RUN!" Seth screamed at me.
And then I remember running. I remember running and running and the hard burn in my legs as I just kept telling myself to run. When I finally reached the backdoor, I ran inside screaming for Dad. He came rushing in from the living room.
"Asha, slow down, what’s wrong sweetie, what’s wrong?"
My breath was coming out in hard puffs, almost like Grandad’s had been before that last run. "It’s Grandad, something’s wrong!" I finally managed to get out. "Seth, he...Seth said to....to come and get you."
Dad took off out the back door, not even stopping to pull on his coat. I raced after him, desperate for everything to be alright. Dad turned back to me as we neared the bottom of the hill. "Go Ash, go and tell Grandma to call 911."
"But Daddy!"
"Go Ash, now!"
I ran back to the house, my legs near collapse as I raced inside to find Grandma.
Then I remember the lights and sirens. The ambulance as it pulled down their long drive and stopped in front of the house. The men in green uniforms, who emerged running to where Dad and Seth were still crouched over Grandad’s body. I remember seeing all of this from the living room window, Grandma standing behind me with her arms around my shoulders. Eventually, Grandad was lifted and taken to the ambulance and when I saw this, I pulled myself from Grandma’s arms and ran outside to see him. Seth grabbed me before I got to him though and the last thing I remember were words, spoken quietly to my Dad. Half caught phrases like exertion, heart attack, too much, over did it.
I remember Grandad coming with me every morning to go sledding when no one else would. How he would always pull my sled back up the hill every time, before racing back down with me, both of us laughing as we slid to a stop at the bottom. Grandad would never stop, just kept going up and down that hill until it was me who was exhausted and wanted to go inside.
But I remember him having to sit down and rest before that last run we all took down the hill together.
I remember choosing for him to come with me that morning, even though Seth was already up for once.
It wasn’t until later that I realised what any of this really meant, that I realised what’d happened that morning and what I’d really done to him.
∞
I go.