They didn’t even give him a military funeral. Not killed in action, they said. Sam argued with them. He tried to sort out everything for me. I didn’t fight it, I just couldn’t. All I cared about was my brother. All I cared about was that my brother was dead and I was never going to see him again.
We buried him in Providence a few days later. It was freezing, the ground frozen solid as I laid him to rest, right beside my mother and my father. I’d sworn I wouldn’t go back there again. Lara’s family had her cremated, but they let me bury some of her ashes with Seth. It was the first time I’d seen her family since the engagement party and it was agony. And in the end, it was her parents I gave the photos to, some final reminders of the last days of their daughter’s life. I haven’t been able to pick up my camera since that day.
Seth and Lara never should have been on the road. They never should have been here at all. They should’ve been in San Diego with their friends instead of babysitting a little sister who was afraid of having a birthday without her brother.
My brother was dead. Lara was dead. They were dead because they’d come to visit me, because I’d begged them to stay and they did. They were dead because I couldn’t bear to be alone on my birthday, and now I am anyway.
∞
I wake up late, my sleep surprisingly free of nightmares once again. I’m grateful for that, so glad Luke didn’t have to listen to or witness me sleep through it all again. Outside the snow has stopped falling and the sun is shining. The brightness of all that white looks amazing, almost like the whole world has been wiped clean. A fresh start to a new year.
I go out to the living room and see that Luke has already gone. The blankets are folded and stacked at the end of the couch and I feel a tiny shred of what I think is disappointment at the fact he’s no longer here.
I walk into the kitchen and instantly know he’s brewed coffee before he left though. The smell is amazing and I wonder if he’s gone out and bought it. I don’t think I own anything that could smell that good. He must have, because sitting beside the coffee pot is a bag of chocolate croissants. I smile as I dig one out and pour myself some coffee.
Standing there at the window, watching the whitened street outside, eating my croissant and drinking my coffee, I smile again. Hanging from the window frame is a collection of guitar picks, strung together in some kind of mini mobile. Most of them are clear plastic in a variety of colours and as they dance around in the window, the sun shines through them, dispersing the light around the room.
Everywhere, tiny patches of coloured light dance all around me and it looks incredibly beautiful.
I’m still smiling when I realise in the end, yesterday didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would. Deep down, a part of me hopes, wishes even, that maybe this really could be a new year after all.
A couple of weeks after my birthday, I once again find something in my locker. Of course I know who it’s from, what I don’t know is why he keeps doing this. This time it’s movie tickets. An Underworld movie marathon is showing tonight. Vampire movies, he knows I love vampire movies. I make his coffee without asking and take it out to the kitchen for him.
"What’s this?" I ask, holding the tickets up.
He turns to me and half smiles. "Um, movie tickets," he says carefully, as though I’m suggesting they’re something more.
"What for?" I ask him. I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t know why he’s bought these for me, why he keeps being so nice to me.
"For you Ash," he says simply. "I know you like the series, so I thought you might want to go. They’re all yours. Call it a belated birthday present?"
That’s all. No request to go out, nothing, just a gift from him to me. Again. I exhale. What am I doing, I ask myself.
"Ok, well thanks," I say. I turn to walk out, but suddenly stop. What I am doing is being rude. I’m being very rude to the one person who has been nothing but nice to me. So I turn around, walk back over and leave one of the tickets beside Luke’s coffee. This is as close as I can get to asking if he wants to come with me. If he doesn’t, it won’t matter because I don’t have anyone else to ask. Without saying anything, I look up at him, even though I know he’s watched me the whole time. He smiles at me and I nervously smile back. Neither of us says anything to each other.
Later that night, I’m leaving my apartment to head over to the movies when I see Luke waiting outside for me. I stop. He hasn’t noticed me yet so I stand there for just a second and watch him. Watch as he leans against the brick fence surrounding my building and watches the people passing him by. He’s bundled inside a thick jacket and although it’s cold out, he looks so relaxed, so calm, so sure, like he isn’t worried about anything. It’s a rare opportunity for me to stare at him instead of the other way around. But almost as soon as I’ve thought it, he turns and sees me.
"Hey," he says smiling at me. "Ready to go?"