We end up watching all three movies. Sometime during the second one, we both hear noises from the street and the sound of fireworks across the city, people celebrating everywhere. I glance at Luke. He just smiles back at me before grabbing a handful of chips from the bowl between us. Neither of us says anything. We just go back to watching the movie and I’m very glad.
I was born on New Year’s Eve. I was born on the last night of the year, the first night of my life and the last night of my mothers. My birthday was always a nightmare, not just because I shared it with the biggest celebration the world insisted on having. It was a nightmare because it killed my Mom and it was a nightmare because in the end, it was also the reason my brother and Lara died. It’s something I’ve never been able to deal with. I hate my birthday, every year I hate it and it has absolutely nothing to do with me getting another year older.
Turns out though, Luke is very easy to hang out with and he’s definitely very funny. Nothing like Sam, but that’s a good thing. He’s actually a lot like Seth and it occurs to me that they would’ve gotten on really well, had they ever had the chance to meet each other. When we finally finish watching the movies, I see it’s now well after midnight and there is a definite snow storm going on outside. Probably ruining a lot of people’s night.
"Guess I should make a move," Luke says as he pushes up off the couch.
Something inside me makes its way into my stomach and twists. Fear.
"I don’t think you should go out in that Luke," I say quietly. "Why don’t you just stay here for the night?"
He looks at me, a slightly puzzled look on his face. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I’m sure."
Luke nods in agreement, taking my statement without any more explanation. I grab him some pillows and a blanket for the couch. I feel relieved that for tonight at least, he will be okay.
I help make up the couch for him to sleep on and hand him a spare toothbrush. As I head to my room, I stop just as I reach the door. "Thank you Luke," I say, turning back to face him, to meet his eyes. "Thank you for today."
"My pleasure," he whispers. "Goodnight Asha."
He says nothing else and as I fall asleep, I realise that once again Luke has made me a tiny bit happy. Today of all days, he’s somehow found a way to make me happy.
∞
Seth ended up serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. He survived them both.
Although Seth was six years older than me, we were still very close. He’d known my mother for six precious years until I came along and my favourite thing in the world when I was growing up was asking him what she was like. He always told me the same things.
"You look just like her Smash," he’d say, using my nickname and pinching my cheek to hide the fact he was trying to tell me he thought she and I were beautiful.
I would giggle at him but deep down I loved it. I loved that even without her, I could still carry a small part of her with me. That by looking in the mirror I might learn who she was. I often thought about how hard that must have been for Dad. To see his wife in the daughter who caused her death. But he’d never let me believe it was my fault. He’d always said, "These things happen Asha. I miss her everyday, but I’m so grateful I still got you."
I wanted to believe him and for years I did.
When Seth died I was completely devastated. At the loss of the last member of my family. At the fact he could survive two wars yet be killed when he came back home. But most of all, at the fact he’d died because of me. Not only had I killed my brother and his fiancée, but also their future, their plans and all of their dreams.
Dad had died about six months earlier and I’d been asking Seth if he and Lara would come to Boston for Christmas, begging them to come and spend it with us. In the end they both agreed and I was beyond excited. I wanted him to come home. I missed him, but more than that, I needed him. I still had Sam of course, but I needed my brother, my family. I didn’t want to go through that first one without him.
When they flew in, Sam and I had our own place and they came to stay with us, crashing on the couch. I can remember when they first showed up. The knock on the door that Sam made no move to answer.
When I opened it, there they were, just standing on the other side smiling. "Merry Christmas Smash," Seth said, wrapping me in a hug and picking me up. He was tall like my dad and could easily lift me off the ground.
"Hey," I squealed with delight. "I thought you weren’t getting in until tomorrow morning?"
"Nah, bit of a lie that was, wanted to surprise you!" Both he and Lara were clearly delighted at my obvious shock.
I turned around and saw Sam smiling. "You knew about this?" I asked him.
"Of course," he said as if it was no big deal, even though he and I both knew it was. I pulled him towards us, hugging all of them and feeling happier than I had in a long time.