I died for exactly thirteen seconds. One second for each life I’d lost, including my own.
By the time it finally happened, I was in the emergency room at the hospital. I was lying on the trolley, covered in blood and losing even more. Doctors were scrambling over me, fighting for me. Luke was holding my hand. A bullet was lodged inside of me and my heart was stopping.
Breaking; is what it felt like to me.
I can remember all of it now, every single thing that happened that night, right up until my heart stopped beating. They brought me back. I died, but somehow they brought me back. Then I had to have surgery. The bullet had torn through me and they needed to repair it, remove it from my body. It’s the only time Luke let go of my hand and it’s only because they made him.
But when I finally woke up, he was there, sitting beside my bed, holding my hand. Alive.
Now Luke lies beside me, his fingers tracing slow patterns on my skin as he kisses my scar. Reverent kisses of thanks. "For saving my life Asha," he whispers against me, igniting my whole body.
He has no idea how much he’s saved mine, I think, as I pull his mouth to mine and we lose ourselves in each other. No idea.
∞
I feel different now.
Something inside of me changed that night; from my decision, from the bullet or from dying. I don’t know what it was, but I feel very different, like it’s all somehow changed me. I don’t know if what happened in my past was always just bad luck, wrong place, and wrong time as Sam said; or random accidents like Luke said. Or maybe it had always been about me and by dying, I have somehow finally changed things. I don’t even know if it’s all stopped, but for the first time in my life, I am choosing to be hopeful that it has.
In any case, I’m choosing not to be afraid anymore. I’m choosing to live now. I have to.
I do still think of Sam, but I have accepted that he’s gone and I’m really trying to accept that it was not my fault. It’s hard in other ways though, because his death brought me Luke, who I just can’t let go of. But I do think back to the words Sam left me, asking me; to be happy, to travel the world, to fall in love again and to live.
I know I have that now. And I know why.
Luke is and continues to be, amazing. He makes me laugh, every single day and he still makes me cupcakes whenever I want them. He’s the reason I’m not afraid anymore. He’s the reason I want to choose now. And he’s the reason I’m always going to fight. He’s everything to me.
He loves me.
And I love him.
More and more every day.
More than I ever thought possible.
And now, I never stop telling him why.
I have no idea what the future holds, but for the first time, the possibilities feel infinite.
∞
Acknowledgements
None of this would have been possible without the help of several amazing people. Sarah Hansen at Okay Creations – you seriously rock girl! Thank you so very much for creating such a beautiful cover for this story. I absolutely love it! Thank you for all of the other stuff too, the stuff you didn’t need to help me with but did anyway, I truly appreciate it. Colleen Hoover, your books are awesome! Thank you for correcting my rookie mistake – Tim Tams are yours anytime you want them. Natasha (Natasha is a Book Junkie) and Jen and Gitte (Totally Booked) - thank you for the love you showed this book before it was even released, I am blown away! Natasha, you are a one woman PR machine and I cannot thank you enough for all that you've done. To all the writers at FP who took the time to read and review the early chapters I posted online. I’ve never met any of you, but you all helped shape this story in so many different ways and I hope it’s better for it. Tracy, you share my passion for books and really thought I could do this, thank you. Lisa, thank you for picking up all the little stuff and curbing my over-use of certain words, for the perfect Ed Sheeran song and teaching me what a 7th note is all about. Cathy, I know I owe you tissues, lots of them, but thank you for loving him as much as I do and always wanting more - you never know! Jackie, my BFF, you told me to never give up the dream and you always believed I could do this. Thank you for always being honest, for always being happy to read it, but more importantly for the friendship, the awesome TV suggestions and everything else you do. Andrei, my BF, you wanted me to just finish something. Well I did! I know it’s not the one we talked about and I promise I will get back to that story one day, but I'm going to have to say it; not so much a "gonna girl" now huh! Thank you for making me laugh, thank you for those cupcakes (when you didn’t even realise) and thank you for always supporting all of my ideas, but especially the crazy ones. I love you.