I had infected and damaged his heart. I had broken poor Sam’s heart. And because of that he’d never stood a chance.
And the only memory, the absolute worst memory I have of the whole awful day. The one I woke up to and which continued to haunt me night after night pulling me from my sleep; was the silence of Sam’s heart when I lay my head on his chest.
The empty silence of nothing at all.
Triskaidekaphobia, a condition characterised by a fear of the number thirteen
∞
Playlist:
1. How to save a life – The Fray
2. Saviour – 30 Seconds to Mars
3. Timshel – Mumford & Sons
∞
Despite everything I’ve lived through, it’s ironic that the one thing I’m scared of in life is death. Of course I’ve always been petrified of the death I’ve created, the death I’ve caused, but deep down the one I’m most afraid of, is my own. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave yet. I haven’t done enough, seen enough. I haven’t had enough chances. But most of all, I haven’t been able to fix all of my mistakes. When you live with as much fear and regret as I do, it’s terrifying to think of how it might all end, what my punishment might be. I don’t believe in any kind of God, how could I, but I am scared at what awaits me, at the thought I may have to face them all again.
That I might actually have to explain myself to them.
Over the years I’ve looked back at everything I’ve done and wondered why this had to happen to me, what had I ever done to deserve it? How being an unforseen complication could have resulted in all of this? When I finally worked out what I was doing to people, I tried to protect them, tried so very hard to walk away. But a person can’t live without human contact, without attachment, without love.
I’d given up on all of that when Luke walked into my life. I didn’t ever believe I would find it again and I didn’t ever believe it wouldn’t be taken away from me if I did. I was so afraid to risk it again, to risk my own heart and whoever it was who got close to me.
Luke changed that though, he changed me. He undid all of the things I’d done to myself. He made it okay to think I deserved more.
He made me laugh again, made me feel alive again, he made me happy again.
He made me love him.
And he loved me in return.
I don’t want to lose that, lose him. I want to hang on to him so badly.
I am so afraid, but Luke also gave me the courage to make a choice, and to fight for that choice.
So even though it scares me more than anything, I know it’s the only choice I have to make. It’s the only choice that matters.
∞
I hear myself yell, "NO!"
I feel myself move in front of Luke, standing between him and the gun now.
I hear myself cry, "No please, not again, please not this time."
I feel Luke’s hand tighten around mine, trying to pull me back.
I hear a loud BANG.
I feel shooting pain jolt through my body.
I hear Luke scream out my name.
I feel my legs give way and my body fall to the ground.
I hear swearing and screaming.
I feel strong arms catch me, holding me tight.
I hear footsteps running and Luke saying my name over and over again.
I feel his soft kisses on my face.
I hear his whispered I love you in my ear.
I feel cold.
I hear sirens.
Then I feel nothing.
Then I hear nothing.
∞
If it had to happen, then it should happen to me. I should be the one to die, the one to go. It should’ve always been me, always. I couldn’t let Luke go, but I could protect him from this, protect him from me.
It all made sense now, what I had to do. I don’t know why I never thought of this earlier. I don’t know if I ever could’ve protected the others, stopped what happened to them, because it was never like this. But I can protect Luke now. He will be okay. Once I am gone, eventually he will be okay. I will miss him like crazy, but this is the only way. I have to protect him, I have to fight.
I’m scared though, I’m really fucking terrified.
But I love him. I love him. I love him more than I ever thought possible.
His song lyrics are swirling in my head, some of my favourites. Words he wrote just for me, words he’d sung to me tonight. Words that tell me everything, everything that he feels for me; feelings I wish I could put into words for him.
I don’t want to leave, I really don’t, but I have to.
I love him.
This is for the best. This is the only way to protect him.
I love him.
I am afraid, but I know what I have to do now.
I love him.