∞
Somehow I’m moving and everything around me feels like it’s rocking. A finger suddenly pulls my eye open and there are harsh, bright lights above me. I want to close it again, to block the light out. I feel a sharp jab in my hand and then a slow coldness running up my arm. Something is pressing hard on my stomach and it hurts so badly. The rest of my body feels numb, cold. I’m shivering and I can’t make it stop. I want to wrap my arms around myself and make it stop, but nothing moves. My body feels like lead, like it’s weighed down and bound so tightly, that nothing will move. I can hear a loud noise, a wailing sound, it’s deafening and I want to block my ears. A hand is gripping mine. Everything is rocking. The hand squeezes mine.
Luke.
I hear his voice whisper pleadingly in my ear, "Stay with me Ash please, I love you, stay with me."
I want to. I love you too.
"Please, please don’t leave me. I need you," he begs me.
I don’t want to, but I have to.
I am moving again.
Footsteps, I can hear lots of footsteps, running. More bright lights now and banging. Doors are being slammed all around me. Voices are everywhere.
I am moving faster now.
Fingers gripping my hand, begging me to stay.
I try to squeeze back, let him know it’s alright. Nothing happens.
Luke.
I feel myself lifted and then put down with a thud.
My hand has been let go. I want to reach out, try to find him but still nothing happens. I can’t make my arm work.
Suddenly he is there again, both of his hands now holding mine. Squeezing it so tight.
Luke.
Loud noises are everywhere.
Beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep
Voices too.
….."Quickly, we need to stop the bleeding…"
…."Let’s hang three units now!"
Pain, there’s so much pain. It’s flooding through my body, a blinding, intense pain, pulling at everything inside of me. It’s pulling me away from here. I can feel myself slipping from wherever I am now. I am so cold.
I try to focus on my hand in Luke’s. I try to squeeze it but nothing, nothing happens.
It’s so noisy in here, I wish it would all go away. Please just go away. Please just go away. Leave me, leave him.
But the noises stay.
Beep - - beep - - beep
Voices, so many of them now.
…."Let’s move it people, someone get rid of those clothes…"
….."You need to stay out of here"…..
…."NO!"….
Beep - - - - - - - beep
"We’re losing her!"
"Get a crash cart in here…..NOW!"
…."Asha"….. "Please!"
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
"CLEAR!"
∞
Somewhere, faintly, I can hear someone counting.
Numbers.
One
When I was only one minute old I lost the first person from my life. I was an unforseen complication who killed her mother. She’d wanted me so badly, but in the end she never got to know me and I never got to know her.
Two
For some reason, then I got a decade off. But at the age of ten I lost my best friend, my loyal defender, Grace. I was a child and I did something so stupid, it ended up killing her.
Three
By twelve it was my Grandad, a man who always made me feel better, made me happy and who was one half of the greatest love story I’d ever heard. He’d tried to make me happy and it killed him.
Four
Then at sixteen it was a boy who had the misfortune to be the subject of a school girl crush. Maybe if he hadn’t been so nice to me, hadn’t felt the same way, it could’ve been avoided.
Five
One year later my Mom’s sister joined her. Her surrogate mothering earning her the same fate as my real mother. Once again I was the unforseen complication who caused it.
Six
By the time I finally had another best friend, I was beginning to wonder if knowing me was such a smart idea. When Nate died at nineteen, I was sure it wasn’t, because once again I’d been the reason.
Seven
Then at twenty-one my Grandma was next. For some reason this one caused me the least guilt, even though I was to blame. This one at least, gave a final happy ending to that beautiful love story, even if I was the reason why.
Eight
Then my role model, my mentor, the woman I aspired to be, died and I hoped it could all finally stop now. But that wasn’t going to be the last of it. Because then, then it really started to hurt. Almost as if death was coming for me with a vengeance now, like the last twenty-one years had all been a warm-up. Because then;
Nine
I lost my dad.
Ten
My brother, Seth.
Eleven
My sister-in-law, Lara.
Twelve
And Sam.
The man I loved. The man I trusted, the man who knew the truth about me and still stayed with me. Then I broke his heart and he died.