I felt like I was dead then too, that I really would be better off dead.
But I wasn’t and I couldn’t do it, so I did the only thing I could do. I removed myself from the world. Tried to stay away, tried to protect people from me. Tried so very hard, not to get attached again.
But then something happened. Someone happened.
Luke.
He walked into my life and slowly, gently he showed me how to smile again, how to start living again. He gave me a reason to breathe again. Showed me that living was worth it and it was worth fighting for. That it was worth taking a risk and making the choices you wanted to make. That he was choosing me, fighting for me and he wanted me to fight for him, for us.
I am going to fight this time, but I’m not going to let him be next.
So when it came time for number thirteen, that’s when I decided, I was finally making a choice and I would fight for that choice. This time I was going to be the one who would choose.
….Thirteen
And this time, it would be me.
∞
I feel a sudden powerful jolt. It surges through me, blocking out everything else.
The noise is all gone now, the pain too. I am no longer cold. I can’t feel Luke’s hand anymore. I can’t feel anything. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing.
And it feels amazing.
A memory flashes through me.
...late in the evening, walking into our bedroom and seeing Luke’s guitar. Picking it up as I sit on the bed, holding it as though I was going to play. Feeling him slide in behind me, his legs holding me between him. Feeling his arms wrap themselves around me as he places his hands over mine on the strings. "Do you want me to teach you to play?" he whispered in my ear. "You’d do that?" I whispered back, as his lips trailed soft, slow kisses down my neck. "I’d do anything for you Ash, anything," he said, gently biting my shoulder. "Luke," I whispered as his kisses slowly moved back up my neck. His guitar fell to the floor...
It’s gone.
I wonder what time it is.
Today is my birthday and I got the best gift of all.
I got to save him.
I wonder where Luke is. I hope he is ok. I hope the others are with him.
I hope he knows that I love him.
More than anything.
And I really hope he knows why.
I Need to Tell You
Music & Lyrics by Luke Taylor
I can never explain all that I feel, to you I can never show everything that I feel, to you But I need to tell you
How much I want you, how much I need you And how much I love you.
I need to tell you,
That you are the air that I breathe That you are my heart as it beats That you are my soul and all that it keeps You are my everything and
I will spend forever trying to show you.
But I need to tell you
How much I want you, how much I need you And how much I love you.
I need to tell you
I really need to tell you
How much I love you.
Infinity, like love, is a quantity without bound or end
∞
Playlist:
1. Everlasting Love – U2 version
∞
Death.
The only certainty in life.
That’s what they say anyway, but really, they underestimate the power of other things. The power of choice and the power of fighting for that choice.
But most of all, they underestimate the power of love.
They say love makes the world go around, but that’s just not true.
It’s infinite and it can do so much more than that.
I was wrong when I said you can’t stop death. Sometimes, just sometimes, you can and it is the most amazing feeling.
I was only one minute old when the first person died.
And I was only just twenty-seven years old when I died.
∞
I am surrounded by blackness. It’s everywhere. The pain is back now, but it’s no longer throbbing, more of a slow, dull ache. I am not cold anymore. I can hear a faint, steady beeping that sounds muted and far away. The loud noises and voices have all gone though. It’s peaceful and quiet, finally.
I don’t know where I am, but I have a sudden, vivid memory of fear, a lot of fear. I remember being so very afraid, but I can’t remember why.
I have no idea where I am now, but I don’t want to be here. I try and open my eyes.
It’s dark but there’s soft light coming from somewhere and it doesn’t hurt my eyes this time. I want to move, but my body feels so heavy, weighed down by itself. I try slowly turning my head. The pain doesn’t get any worse when I do, just sits somewhere low in my stomach. I realise now that I’m lying on a bed in a darkened room that I don’t recognise. My head is resting on a soft pillow and I can feel something in my hand.
I blink a few times and everything around me finally comes into focus.
Luke.
He is here. He’s sitting beside me and he’s holding my hand in both of his. His head is resting on the bed I’m lying in. He’s facing me, but his eyes are closed as though he is sleeping.