I had no idea how he could be proud of me, I’d done nothing but run. It was Seth who went to him, Seth who tried to help. All I’d done is run. All I’d done was ask Grandad to come in the first place, even when I didn’t have to.
At the funeral, Grandma stood with her arms around me the whole time, just like she had when we watched them take Grandad away. I don’t know why, but the one thing I remember, is her holding me tightly and me looking up and seeing the tears stream down her face too. I glanced over and saw tears on Dad’s face, tears on my brother’s face. Still there were no tears on mine. I desperately wanted to cry, wanted to prove that I was sad too. I didn’t know if something was wrong with me or that people would think I wasn’t sad that Grandad had died. But no matter how hard I tried, the tears wouldn’t fall.
It wasn’t until the morning after the funeral, when I woke early again and bounded down the stairs and discovered Grandad’s jacket on the hook hanging next to mine, our boots lined up side by side at the door, both of our sleds propped up against the porch, but no Grandad. It wasn’t until I saw all of this and finally realised he wasn’t ever going to be up waiting for me again that I was finally able to let go and cry.
When I finally understood Grandad was never coming back, then the tears started to fall. And for a long time it seemed like they would never stop.
∞
A week after seeing his friend’s band, I’m at work when a woman, probably around my age, comes in to ask for Luke.
I have no idea who she is but she’s very pretty. Taller than me and really well dressed in designer jeans and a fitted white shirt. Without meaning to, I already dislike her. I go and get Luke. When he comes out, I watch as his face lights up when this woman yells, "Surprise!" to him. He immediately pulls her into his arms, picking her up as she wraps her arms around him too. I’m positively seething now, even though I have no excuse to be feeling this way and no idea why I do.
I’m still staring at them when Luke puts her down and turns to me, his arm draped across her shoulders. "Ash, meet my baby sister, Mia."
Oh. His sister. Right.
"Ha, baby sister, how about younger sister thank you." Mia responds playfully punching Luke in the stomach. He laughs and wraps his other arm around her, pulling her into another hug.
I feel strangely jealous now. I can’t help it. I don’t know if it’s because he and his sister are so close just like Seth and I once were, or because she’s allowed to touch him like that. Maybe it’s both, a stupid voice inside my head tells me.
"You are a baby sometimes Mia. Anyway, this is Ash." Luke says, gesturing to me smiling.
"Ah, Ash," Mia says cryptically, looking up at Luke before extending her hand to me. "Nice to finally meet you Ash."
"You too," I reply shaking her hand, confused at what she means by finally. "Are you visiting from somewhere?" I ask, trying to be nice.
"Yeah, Chicago, just for the weekend though."
"She’s finally coming to watch us play," Luke explains, rolling his eyes at his sister playfully.
"You’ve never seen them?" I ask her, genuinely surprised.
"Unfortunately no, not properly anyway," Mia responds, sticking her tongue out at Luke in response. "But tonight definitely. You’re coming right? You can keep me company while they’re on."
I glance at Luke but he doesn’t say anything, just looks at me now. I don’t know if I am. I’ve been to their shows before and it’s not that I don’t want to go, but as usual I wonder if I should. Both of them are watching me and I can see the resemblance now, they definitely look alike. They both wear identical faces; expectant, almost hopeful expressions. I notice she has the same blue eyes as him.
Finally Luke speaks, his voice sounding a little different to normal. "You’re always welcome to come along Ash; and I’d really like you to."
I take a deep breath. "Okay sure, I’ll come along." I smile, I can’t help it, and I do want to go. He wants me to go, even Mia wants me to go.
"Fantastic!" Mia says as she moves out of Luke’s arms and pulls me into a hug now. I don’t know why she does this, but I feel my own arms go cautiously around her. Okay, I don’t hate her anymore. I’m looking at Luke over her shoulder as we hug and he has a strange look on his face although he’s smiling at me. I wonder what he’s thinking as I look back at him and I’m about to ask, when he mouths thank you to me.
Now I really don’t know what to think.
∞
Sam’s sister never liked me. I don’t know why, maybe it was a protective older sister thing, maybe she never thought I was good enough for him, but from the minute we met, we never got along. Of course by the time he died, she truly hated me, and by then I couldn’t really blame her.