Even then, those words sent a shiver through me.
But, I did take his advice and a couple of weeks later I found myself a therapist. And in the end, she was fantastic. She said a lot of great things to me, most of which I don’t believe anymore, especially now, but at the time they seemed to work.
Her name was Angela and she must have been in her fifties. She was very sweet and very patient and very good at listening to me. Actually I think what it really was, is she was very good at getting me to talk to her, to open up a little. I didn’t tell her everything, not like I’d told Sam, but I did talk to her about all the people I’d lost, about my fears of losing more, especially those closest to me.
"Feeling this way is very normal Ash," she said to me. "Everybody gets angry when they lose someone they love, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. Everybody worries that it might happen again."
I wanted to tell her for me, it always happened again.
Angela said these feelings of anger and fear often stem from a wanting to have the chance to see and do everything we could ever possibly want to do. That a lot of it was a selfish need to make sure we didn’t miss out. But the other part was also about not getting the chance to say goodbye to someone we truly care about and how that can destroy our ability to get close to someone else, for fear of it all happening again, for fear of being hurt.
"You need to believe that there’s nothing you could’ve done to change things Ash, that these things do happen and it’s just a part of life."
I really struggled to believe her when she told me that.
Angela also told me I had to forgive myself. That I had to let it all go, I needed to let it go. Yes, it was okay to be angry and sad and to miss the people I’d lost, but eventually I had to move on. It wasn’t healthy to keep all that anger and pain bottled inside me, because in the end it would hurt not just me, but those around me too.
I wish I could’ve known back then what I know now. I wish I could’ve understood how true her words would be. Because looking back, I now realise just how right she was, how the constant death I’ve had to endure, the people I love being taken from me, has made me into the person I am today.
I know I’m not really crazy, but I do know I keep losing people and because of that, I’m afraid to let anyone in, afraid to form attachments and afraid of falling in love again.
Unfortunately, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this anymore.
∞
On Monday morning when I walk in to work, Luke is already here. I didn’t see or speak to him for the rest of the weekend and I assume Mia has now gone back to Chicago. Her words are still running around in my head, but we never spoke more about it for the rest of the night. And I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all the things she did tell me.
After I dump my bag in the staff room, I go in to say hi and see if he wants his usual coffee. I’m nervous about seeing him, knowing all the things I now know. I wonder if Mia told him what she said to me. I wonder what he would think, if he knew what I knew. What he would do?
I wonder what I should do.
When I walk into the kitchen, I’m distracted from my thoughts because something smells divine, I mean truly divine.
"Hey," I say, "coffee?"
Luke looks up at me and smiles. God, he really does have a nice smile. I feel myself smiling back at him, and my first thought is maybe he doesn’t know what Mia said to me.
"Sure, thanks Ash. Then come back out here, I have something for you," he says before he goes back to doing whatever he’s doing. I turn and walk out to the front, not sure exactly what that something will be. Maybe he does know what she said. I have no idea, I really have no idea.
I make us coffee. I walk back into the kitchen and I go over to Luke and put his coffee down. In front of him are a row of plates. Each of them has a different dish on it. All of them look delicious. The room smells amazing. And Luke looks excited.
"Thanks," he says, when I gesture towards his mug. He smiles when he sees the cup of black coffee in my hands. I take a sip to hide whatever it is I’m feeling. Am I blushing?
Luke wipes his hands on a cloth and pulls out a stool for me, motioning for me to sit down. I look at him questioningly, but don’t say anything, just sit.
"Okay," he finally says. "I need you to try these for me."
I look up at him, "Why?"
He laughs. "Well for one thing, I’m trying to decide what to put on the menu and I’d really like your opinion."
"You want me to tell you what tastes good?" I ask, completely stating the obvious. God what is wrong with me?
"Yeah," he confirms. "I really want your opinion. I mean you do like my cupcakes," he continues, giving me another little smile at the same time.