"Well, if you insist," he says smiling. "Then how can I possibly say no?"
"Well only if you don’t have other plans," I say quickly. "If you do, then of course another day is fine." I’m being a total idiot.
"No plans Ash," he replies, still smiling at me. "Just give me a sec to have a shower though?"
Oh god, that’s the last thing I need to be picturing in my head, I think, swallowing the groan before it gives me away. I try smiling back at him, "Sure."
I wait in the living room while he goes into his bedroom. He half shuts the door on the way in, but it doesn’t quite close. I should move so I can’t see in there, but of course I don’t.
Thankfully he shuts the door to his bathroom. I hear the water come on and I can hear him singing while he takes a shower. Of course, what I really need to do is stop trying to picture him under the water in there. I half think about leaving, but of course I don’t. I continue to sit there on his couch and try to block the image of Luke, naked, from my brain. When he comes out, steam escapes from the room first, followed by Luke and he’s already fully dressed.
I’m both relieved and disappointed.
I’m not sure what I would’ve done had he walked out in just a towel. My stomach is already in knots just thinking about it.
He comes back into the living room with shoes as I pretend to be flicking through a guitar magazine of all things. I’m really glad Jared isn’t here to see me like this, because I’m sure he would see something else, see what’s really going on with me.
Luke sits next to me on the couch, puts on his shoes and turns to me. "So, where too?"
Oh wow, he smells really good. "I just woke you up, didn’t I?" I ask.
He laughs. "Woke, no, got out of bed, yes. But don’t worry about it Ash."
What the hell am I really doing, I finally ask myself as those butterflies all start up again.
∞
I used to see Angela once every couple of weeks. Most of the time I would go in my lunch break, as her office was only an eight minute walk away. For the first few sessions we would talk about a different death and how I was feeling because of it. I never did tell her the whole truth, the circumstances surrounding each of them. I didn’t want to admit blame to her, I was too afraid to, but for the first time in my life, I was honest about how it all affected me, how they made me feel. I thought she was starting to help, thought I was really starting to understand my own feelings and reactions to it all. Even Sam thought I seemed happier and that made me happy because the last thing I wanted was to push him away, destroy the relationship we had.
"Thank you Sam," I said to him. "Thank you for getting me to do this."
He just smiled and hugged me. "Anything Ash, anything I can do to help."
I loved that he cared that much about me, that he would look after me like that. I couldn’t understand how I’d gotten so lucky with Sam. How Nate had known he was exactly what I needed, that he’d been so right about us. I was so grateful that he did.
I’d been going to see Angela for about eight months when it eventually happened. It hadn’t been my usual lunch time appointment, I’d changed that. Rung and asked if we could switch days, I can’t even remember the reason why anymore. But Angela had just said, "I’m full for the rest of the week, why don’t you come after work today, I’ll stay back and we can talk then?"
That was exactly the kind of person she was, and so that night after work, I went over to her office. We talked and talked and it was really good. When I left her office it was late and both of us were heading in the same direction, so we walked together.
I remember when I said goodbye to her at the train station and walked off, I was smiling. I was finally starting to feel good about things, wondering if maybe I needed to keep seeing her anymore. I was smiling at the idea that I was finally coming to terms with all the death. Finally I felt like I understood my reactions, my feelings to it all.
When we got to the T station, we went our separate ways and as I walked away from the station the last thing I remember is hearing someone yell. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because there were always crazies in the T stations. I would’ve been walking down there with her had I not suggested to Sam we go and grab dinner together before heading home.