His hand is still holding mine and our fingers thread together now as Luke reaches out his other hand and gently plays with the silver ring around my thumb, slowly twisting it. It’s making my heart pound in my chest as though it’s trying to escape and all those butterflies have started up again. I don’t know if it’s him doing this to me or if it’s because we’re holding hands, right here in this restaurant. I’m holding my breath and trying not to move. I don’t want him to notice what he’s doing in case he pulls his hands away.
"Yeah but for me it was a choice," he eventually says. "Which is not the case for you."
No, more like my fault, I think to myself. I smile at him and say nothing more and he continues to hold my hand until our food arrives.
Over breakfast we talk about easier things. Luke is excited about some upcoming shows they have, about the possibility of music industry people coming and seeing them play soon. As always, when he talks about his music, his whole face lights up. It’s easy to see how much he loves it.
When we finish eating, I pay and as we’re walking out the door Luke surprises me by saying, "So, should we go and visit them?"
"Who?" I ask, confused.
"Your family."
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I ever consciously thought about doing that, even knowing what day it is today. I guess some part of me must have though, it’s why I came here in the first place. I think it must be why I had that dream.
"You’d do that?" I ask him quietly.
"Of course," he answers, smiling at me and taking my hand again as we walk out of the restaurant.
The walk takes us over an hour. Luke holds my hand the whole way, his fingers occasionally twisting the ring on my thumb. We don’t talk much, just a random question from Luke about some building or area when we pass by. He’s never been to Providence before and he seems kind of excited at everything he sees. I answer all of his questions, but I’m feeling very nervous about going to the cemetery. I don’t know why, maybe it’s having Luke with me, maybe it’s just because it’s the first time I’ve been back since they all died. I never wanted to come back here again, not after Dad, not after Seth. Not ever. But somehow, here I am anyway.
When we arrive at the gates, Luke drops my hand. I notice instantly, but don’t say anything. We walk in there and I wind my way through to where I know they’re all buried. Three graves, side by side; my mother, my father and my brother.
There isn’t even room for me. I should be the only one lying there.
I stand in front of the three headstones looking down at them. Luke stands beside me, not touching me. Not saying anything. We’re both looking at them, when I hear him.
"Oh Ash," he says softly. "I am so sorry. I’m so very sorry."
I’m not sure what he’s referring too. But he’s obviously seen the dates. He’s now seen that my Dad died exactly three years ago today. Or he’s seen that my Mom died on my birthday. Or he’s seen that Seth died the day after it. I don’t know which one; maybe he’s seen them all.
I turn and look up at him and find him watching me, his face covered in sadness. "It’s okay, Luke, really."
But now he steps closer and puts an arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. I automatically lean my head against his chest. I feel his chin resting on the top of it as he softly says again, "I’m so sorry Asha, I didn’t realise." His other arm wraps around me, pulling me tighter against him. My arms wrap themselves around his waist and my eyes close when I feel him kiss the top of my head. A part of me feels bad, but I’m not just thinking about them anymore. Those butterflies are all still floating around inside me.
We stand in front of their graves for ages. Luke never asks me to go or says anything more, just stands there with his arms wrapped around me. He feels comforting, safe and warm. Eventually I walk forward and run my hand over the top of each headstone before turning to face him. "Thank you Luke," I say, looking right at him.
"Do you want to go and see Sam?" he asks, looking back at me. I think it’s the first time he’s ever said Sam’s name.
"He’s in Seattle," I answer quietly. "But thanks anyway."
Now Luke steps forward and silently pulls me into a hug. I can feel his strong arms around me again and his hard chest underneath me, but it’s so very different this time. He feels so good, this feels so good and I don’t want him to let me go. My heart is pounding again, and I’m sure Luke can feel it, beating a hard pattern against him.
I wonder what they would think if they could see me standing here with Luke, what they would say if they saw us like this. I’m pretty sure Seth would give me shit for it, just like he always did and the thought makes me smile. They would like Luke though, I know they would. They would like what he’s doing for me right now, how he always seems to know what to do for me.
Eventually I have to say something. "How about we go get a drink?" I suggest, trying to lighten the mood.
Luke pulls back and looks down at me. Both of his hands push the hair back from my face, and he keeps them there, holding it back and cradling my head in his fingers. He looks at me as though he’s trying to read my mind and I feel naked under his stare, like he can see right inside my head and all the crazy things I know are swirling around in there.
That I’m glad I brought him to breakfast.
That I’m glad he brought me here.