That I like the feel of his arms around me.
That I’m still trying really hard not to picture him naked in the shower this morning.
And worst of all, what my brain is finally prepared to admit; that I do really like him.
And the scariest part of all that; that I really want him to like me back. I really want Mia’s words to be true.
He still says nothing.
I smile up at him again. "I think I definitely owe you a drink now," I say, forcing a laugh out. We are too close. These things I’m feeling are all wrong. Standing here in his arms isn’t fair on him. He needs to let me go and I need to stop thinking about him like that. It’s too dangerous.
"Sure," he says eventually, smiling a little even though it doesn’t reach his eyes. He looks like he wants to say something, but I don’t give him a chance. I have to stop all of these thoughts I’m having, so I turn and make my way back to the entrance and Luke silently follows me.
We find a taxi to take us back to Thayer Street this time and then find ourselves a place to get a drink. We end up staying there all afternoon. The mood lightens again, our morning in the cemetery pushed to the back of our minds. By the time night falls we have eaten dinner and drunk quite a few beers, talking about everything except for what happened this morning. I push all of those thoughts from my mind, refuse to let them in. Refuse to think about the possibility, to think about the possibility of me and Luke.
I’m kidding myself if I think I can do that.
Eventually we leave and make our way slowly back down to the train station. I think we’re both a little drunk by now and once again Luke takes my hand in his. Once again I hold my breath and let him. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I just can’t seem to stop myself anymore.
On the train, he keeps holding it, resting our joined hands on his thigh. I don’t dare move. I feel surrounded by heat and Luke and that combined with the alcohol makes me want to sleep. I feel myself drifting off, my head slowly sliding onto Luke’s shoulder. He doesn’t seem to mind as he wraps his arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I don’t want to try and fight this anymore, it’s too hard trying to fight it.
I’m surrounded again by Luke’s warmth and his smell and all I want to do is to stay right here with him. I sleep all the way back to Boston, waking only when he tells me, "We’re back." I wish we could stay on that train all night.
We stumble from the station, Luke still holding my hand as we climb the stairs to the street and make our way back to my apartment. He walks me to the door where we stand facing each other.
"Thank you for breakfast and dinner," he says bringing my hand up to his mouth. I watch him as he presses a soft kiss to my palm and he watches me watching him. Things are definitely changing between us now, I can feel it, see it. It’s something that deep down, I know a part of me wants to happen, but is afraid to allow.
I don’t want to get attached and then lose him, have him ripped away from me. Not again, because it hurts so much when it happens. And I definitely don’t want to create a world without Luke or his music in it. But another selfish part of me is also saying; I don’t want to think of my own world without him in it.
I’m too afraid to try it all again, but I’m too afraid to stop it, to push him away, because I really don’t want to anymore.
"Thank you for today Luke," I finally get out.
"Any time Ash," he says quietly. "Anytime." He tucks my hair behind my ear and for a second I think he’s going to kiss me. I’m surprised to find I want him to.
But he doesn’t and instead he smiles at me once more, before turning and walking away.
When I get inside, I go straight to bed. But I can’t sleep, because a million thoughts are swirling in my brain now, keeping me awake. All of them are about Luke. Even if his voice wasn’t filling the silence of my apartment, I would be thinking about him.
Once he has slept in my apartment. Twice he has held me as I’ve cried. Once he has held me when I haven’t. For the whole day today he held my hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. Many times I have watched his band play. I have met his family and now he has met mine.
And, now I know how he feels about me. The things Mia said are still swirling around in my brain. Her words are making me think and feel many things. The way Luke looks at me is making me think and feel many things.