There were two answers to that question and I gave them both. “Yes and no. Yes, because of your situation – I honestly did try to keep things in perspective for the sake of what you and Kira have going. And no because…” I considered not explaining this part, but then remembered that this was why we’d driven all the way out to the beach – to talk. “No, because I know how I feel about you. You’ve never been just some guy or just my ex, AJ.”
The words ‘I love you’ almost slipped out, but I stopped myself again.
He looked out across the sand. “I keep asking myself why I chased after you when I saw you pass by my building that day. Was it loneliness? Curiosity?”
Both of those explanations made me cringe.
“But…as quickly as those things cross my mind,” he added. “…they’re gone because I already know why I nearly killed myself getting down those stairs.”
My heart raced, but I wouldn’t let him see that I was anxious. On the outside, I looked just as in control as before.
“I’m still in love with you, Sam.”
And there it was – that word that I wasn’t ready to say, and maybe wasn’t even ready to hear…love.
“I know that I shouldn’t be and I know that loving you contradicts everything I’ve been telling Kira over the past three years, but…I just am – I’m in love with you,” he repeated.
The corners of my eyes stung, but not with the threat of happy tears. These particular tears were filled to the point of bursting with pure, unadulterated sorrow. They were tears of dread. When one slipped down my cheek, I turned away so he wouldn’t see it.
“AJ…I just need to know what the hell we’re doing,” I blurted, sounding stoic instead of desperate like I truly was. The fact that the future of this situation was completely in his hands left me drowning in a state of unfathomable vulnerability. My heart was caught up in him and I had the sinking feeling that I was about to lose.
Lifting the sunglasses from his eyes to his hair again, AJ continued to rest on his elbows. One rapid breath after another caused his chest to rise and fall more quickly as his nerves clearly kicked in. The anguish in his expression made me sick to my stomach. He knew like I knew…the decision was his.
The sound of a sigh passing through his lips caused me to stir a little and I faced forward again now that the tear had dried. “All I know is…right now…I can’t see anything beyond you.”
What did that mean?
To me, it sounded as if our recent hookup had merely clouded his judgment and one day, maybe one day soon, the fog would clear. The problem with that scenario is, when this happens, he could realize that being with me wasn’t what he really wanted.
Down fell another tear.
“I think this was a mistake.” It hurt my heart like you’d never believe when I admitted that, but it was the truth. Regardless of the feelings we shared for one another, the fact still remained that this man had pledged to commit his future to someone else. At the root of that pledge was love. It wasn’t for me to say whether what he felt for me was stronger than that which he felt for her. The bottom line was, he loved Kira enough to ask that she be his wife.
No further conversation was needed. Whether he’d made up his mind or not, I had. AJ watched as I stood to my feet and straightened my dress. He grabbed my hand just as I was getting ready to walk back toward his car.
“Sam…wait!”
“For what?” I asked, unable to fight against the tears this time. One by one they betrayed me, letting him know how broken I was at the realization that we could never be. “This is on me,” I sobbed.
He took me into his arms and I didn’t resist him as hard as I should’ve. “No…this is on both of us,” he countered.
He held me tight and I let myself melt against his chest.
“I can’t help that I love you,” he whispered lightly into my ear and I broke even more.