I didn’t feel like going back to work. Instead, I sulked around my apartment for several hours, trying unsuccessfully to convince myself to do something other than lie on the couch staring at the ceiling fan. Even more than before, I was confused. Dr. Gill’s words of caution had me thinking; was it wrong to sacrifice myself for AJ’s happiness? Still, regardless of whether or not he thought I deserved it, I blamed myself for setting him back in the past. Freeing him to live out his life in peace came with an air of redemption. Maybe after this one final, selfless act, I’d be able to find peace too.
The knock at the door had me clutching my chest. My head spun a little when I first sat upright, but whoever the visitor was knocked again persistently.
“One sec,” I called out. Glancing through the peephole, I stared into Jason’s green eyes on the other side of the threshold.
Slowly, unlatching the locks, I opened the door. When I didn’t greet him with much of an expression at all, he wasn’t sure how to take me. The faint smile he started out with faded almost completely in a matter of seconds.
“Did I, uh…catch you at a bad time?” he asked.
I shook my head and stepped back, gesturing for him to come in. His steps halted when he got next to the couch, but he didn’t sit.
“Did you get the flowers?” he asked.
I sat and stared at the floor when I spoke. “Yeah, I got them. I’ve been meaning to call, I just got caught up,” was the only explanation that I offered.
“Caught up,” he said to himself as if trying to understand what that meant.
Instead of breaking it down further, I just stared and said nothing.
He cleared his throat nervously and tried to strike up conversation again. “I meet with my lawyer this Friday.”
Again, no words from me.
“I mean so…how do you feel about that? What’re you thinking?”
Honestly, I wasn’t thinking about anything – not about Jason anyway. As far as I was concerned, our relationship was over. I’d already made that clear once. This desperate attempt to do something he should’ve done years ago just looked faulty the longer I had to ponder it. So, in the true spirit of closure, which had been my theme for the day, I broke the news to Jason one final time.
“I’m not telling you what to do one way or another. Whether you end your marriage or don’t end it is completely up to you and your wife. But the advice that I will pass along is this – be a father to your son, Jason. You said he plays sports. Don’t just send him money for his uniforms and gear, be there. But whatever you do, do it for you and your family, not me, because I haven’t changed my mind.”
He stared at me half-shocked, but only lowered his head.
“At the core, you’re a good guy, Jason. You have your flaws just like everyone else, myself included, but don’t look back in a decade, when your son doesn’t need you anymore and finally realize what you missed out on.”
Judging by the look on his face, I got the impression that he was giving my words some serious consideration.
There was nothing else to say in my opinion. We’d been officially broken up for nearly a week and this conversation was a mere formality – the last bit of closure that Jason needed to understand that I was standing firm on my decision. With that, he and I exchanged a surprisingly cordial goodbye and I closed the door behind him.
My mind drifted to the next task before me – breaking things off with AJ. The sliver of certainty that I’d grasped onto hours ago in Dr. Gill’s office had now slipped away, though. There was no way that conversation was going to be as easy as this one with Jason. No way.
Realizing that it’d be better to handle things sooner rather than later, I made up my mind that, sometime before AJ left for Fairfax tomorrow, he’d know how I felt and where we stood.
This had to be done.
At least that’s what I kept telling myself…
*****
“What time are you heading out?” I asked through the phone.
On the other end, AJ seemed reserved. “Um…probably in about an hour if I’m gonna make my plane on time.”
I’d dreaded having this conversation – didn’t sleep all night because of it.
“Okay, well…is it cool if I stop by your office in about thirty minutes? I won’t be long,” I explained. “I just wanted to talk to you about something before you go.”
Again, he hesitated. “Yeah, that’s fine.”