I worked to compose myself and then pushed him away. “Take me home please,” I said flatly as I made my way to the car like I’d intended to do in the first place. Now, he didn’t bother trying to stop me.
AJ closed the car door behind himself, but didn’t start the engine. Instead, we sat there in absolute silence as the conversation that had just taken place lulled in my head. I wasn’t mad – not at him anyway. Didn’t have the right to be. It was me who blindly wandered into this, knowing the history that we shared. It was me who kept going, knowing that he was engaged to be married to someone else. It was me who’d walked away years ago and left him for another woman to find the man who I’d carelessly discarded. This was my fault.
I looked to my left, staring at his fingers intertwined with mine when he grabbed for my hand.
“Sam…what’re you doing?” he asked, searching my eyes for an explanation. “We’re here to talk. Running won’t fix anything.”
I imagined he was trying to figure out what he’d said that set me off, but he hadn’t done or said anything. This moment of clarity came to me all on its own. I’d simply had a revelation – the one Angel had tried to get me to see the day before – the one that showed the doom awaiting us at the conclusion of our tryst. This situation wasn’t set up to end well for me and I refused to be the reason it didn’t end well for AJ either.
I stared into his eyes and instead of saying all of these things, I just started crying again.
“I think you misunderstood what I was saying. All I meant was, right now, despite what plans have been made with Kira, I only see myself with you,” he explained. When I didn’t answer he squeezed my hand a little tighter. “Talk to me,” he beckoned softly.
I shook my head and sighed, not really even knowing how to verbalize what I was thinking; especially when the root cause of it all…was jealousy – something I didn’t even want to admit to myself.
“You’re marrying this girl,” I breathed. “You may be having doubts now, but as it stands, she’s wearing your ring and probably making plans as we speak.”
He lowered his head and said nothing.
“And I know you, AJ; you’re not this guy. And I refuse to be the one who messes things up for you again.”
“You keep bringing up things that happened years ago,” he responded with a heavy sigh that made me look into those dark, sloping eyes of his. He unhinged our fingers and cupped my face in his large hands. “The past is the past, Sam, and I’ve let it go; when’re you gonna do the same?” The warmth of his words, the acceptance behind them, moved me to tears again.
“I have no right to feel how I feel about you,” I confessed. “In my heart I know that we’re as wrong as two left shoes for doing what we’re doing. I just keep asking myself why it is that we can’t have this without the negativity, without the drama – and it all boils down to – ”
AJ shook his head before I could blame myself again, quieting me with one word. “Don’t.”
“I just hate that I’m in the position I’m in. I hate that you’re in the position you’re in. And I hate that I’ve been so willing to keep seeing you, knowing what this makes me.”
He frowned. “What this makes you?”
He took my chin in his hand and brought my eyes back to his when I tried to look away. “What does this make you?” he repeated.
I felt ashamed, but knew that I’d have to admit it to him just like I’d admitted it to Jason. “I’m the other woman,” I breathed, unable to hide the hint of embarrassment in my tone.
AJ didn’t say a word; all he could do was stare. The truth in my statement was undeniable. I was the other woman. At least with Jason, I could fall back on the fact that I was blind to the situation, but when it came to AJ, I willingly accepted this title and was now clinging to it for dear life because being his ‘side-chick’ was all I had. This was not who I wanted to be, but the sad truth was, I was willing to be this person for him.
Chapter Eighteen
Sam