I sat beside AJ silently as the scenery whizzed by. More than once, I’d heard the faint buzz of his cell phone, but he never answered. I wasn’t sure how that should’ve made me feel knowing that it was Kira he was ignoring, but it served as a reminder of just how necessary this talk was – how necessary it was that we had it before Thursday when he was scheduled to be on a plane on his way to Fairfax.
It didn’t take long to realize that we were headed toward Queens, but I still hadn’t asked where our trip would conclude. AJ made one stop at the store while I waited in the car, and then he dropped the bag in the trunk before I could make out what was inside. However, it all made sense once we arrived at Fort Tilden Beach and he whipped out a large, thin blanket for us to sit on. My thoughts had made the journey to the edge of the Rockaways seem shorter that it actually was and my lack of attention meant that none of the words on the signs that we’d passed had even registered.
Grabbing one edge of the blanket to spread it over the sand while AJ held the other, I felt my pulse quicken at the thought of sharing my thoughts and concerns with him soon. Sure, it was one thing to scribble them out on a sheet of paper, but another to actually let him know what was on my mind…and on my heart.
I smoothed my yellow, cotton sundress and then sat a few inches away from AJ as a warm breeze swept over us. My eyes were fixed on the give and take of the waves as they came teasingly close to the place where we’d settled. Accompanying the sound of the gently rushing waters, seagulls cawed as they walked a section of the beach not too far from AJ and me. The sun was at its highest point in the sky, but the moderate seventy-three degree temperature made it tolerable. I glanced down at AJ’s left hand beside my right and shuttered when my imagination forced me to envision a gold band on his finger. He didn’t notice how quickly I looked in the opposite direction of him.
“It’s beautiful out here,” were the first words he’d spoken in a while.
I stared out as far across the water as my eyes would let me see, nodding in response to his statement. “Angel and I come here sometimes throughout the summer. It’s almost always this quiet, too.”
AJ leaned back on his elbows and lowered the shades that were perched on top of his head. It was difficult for me to make small-talk when there were so many things we needed to discuss, so I decided to start, desperate to rid our existence of the awkward tension that’d surfaced.
“You seem…different,” I forced out with a sigh, feeling instantly self-conscious about letting him inside my head.
I watched from the corner of my eye as his expression didn’t change. The sunglasses made it even more difficult to read him. Perhaps that was the reason he’d worn them.
“I’ve just got some things on my mind,” he answered.
I nodded, understanding that – what happened between us a couple nights ago had changed things drastically, hence the reason I was now determined to keep it from happening again. Before being intimate, we were able to disguise this pull between us as just wanting to be in one another’s presence, like two old friends catching up; however, when we allowed things to get physical, all of that changed.
There was more to it than that, though. A number of factors had me questioning myself, and AJ was probably feeling the same way. First on my list was how quickly it all happened. Wednesday we spoke for the first time since the wedding, and by Friday he was in my bed. I considered the fact that we’d always moved quickly, even in the past, and we’d always had unusually high….everything – chemistry, sexual tension, emotion. Still, we were grown now, not young kids with a whole lot of learning and growing to do. I was guilty of not letting myself completely get over my breakup with Jason, and AJ was guilty of cheating on his fiancé.
Cheating…that’s such an ugly word.
It seemed so easy for us to take things to a physical level, regardless of how bad an idea we both knew it was. At least I felt that way. Here I was, condemning Jason for having a wife and me on the side and AJ was a few months away from being in almost the exact same situation.
“Jason sent me flowers yesterday,” I blurted, willingly turning the conversation toward myself. Someone had to do it.