The next image that popped into my head was of myself throwing that first satisfying blow to Antonio’s face when he opened the door to his apartment the night that I went to deal with him. That moment was definitely one with bittersweet connotations, but more sweet than bitter.
I’m not ashamed to admit that my only regret there is the fact that I didn’t get to finish him off like I wanted to. Jail wasn’t good enough for him or anyone like him. When Terrell showed up out of nowhere to stop me, I was so far gone that I had to stare at him for a moment to recognize who he even was. I had a one track mind and it was hell-bent on ending Antonio’s life, because, essentially, he’d ended Sam’s – stolen her youth, her innocence. Terrell caught my arm in midair before I could deliver that final blow to Antonio’s temple while he lay there gasping as blood drained from his mouth and nose. That image is one that I will never forget.
Sam cut into my thoughts. “Going home just isn’t an option for me. I’m not risking setting myself back after all the work I’ve put into getting well.”
I couldn’t have agreed with her more. “I don’t blame you.” Still, it was a shame that, on top of everything else, he took away the feeling of comfort and belonging that should’ve accompanied thoughts of visiting her childhood home. Instead, the idea of going back to see her parents carried a sense of dread.
Not a day went by that I didn’t wish I’d been there to protect her. There was a sense of shame that I’d always felt when it came to this particular situation. Did I know what was going to happen to her that night? No. But if I’d handled things differently where my family situation was concerned, Sam never would’ve been so irrational when it came to finding Reina in my room, and she never would’ve even been in contact with Antonio. If I’d been honest, trusted her more, things may have turned out very differently.
“Okay, new subject.” Sam said, forcing a smile that I didn’t return, blaming myself for her sudden loss of artistic motivation when she released a heavy sigh. “You hungry?” she asked.
I shook my head ‘no’ and she forced another smile. “Then I’m gonna go shower off some of this paint.” I watched as she dropped the brushes she’d used in a jar filled with water, turning it a deep shade of turquoise. “Make yourself comfortable.”
I nodded as she left the room and then closed the bathroom door behind her. My mind was still on our conversation about Antonio as I wandered out of Sam’s studio and into the living room where I stood beside the window.
It became clear to me how broken she still was despite her efforts to hide it. That need to be a protector was still a very dominant feeling that I harbored when it came to her, which I knew signified something deeper, but I wasn’t in the mood to admit it.
In this moment of solitude and silence I evaluated our circumstances and the prognosis didn’t look good no matter what angle I looked at it from. While her relationship was already over, mine was on the path to deepening. I chuffed a sigh and shoved my hands in my pocket while I watched a young couple laughing as they rushed to a cab that’d seen them at the last minute. Once upon a time, not too long ago in fact, my own life was that simple – that clear-cut. Kira was my future and I was happy knowing that was how my story would end. But then, out of nowhere, my world was thrown off kilter, and, long story short, I found myself here – in a situation where my feelings were caught up in another woman and my future with Kira was becoming more and more foggy. With my upcoming trip back to Fairfax in five short days, how was I supposed to even face Kira knowing how I’d been behaving in her absence?