Love Notes

Chapter 18-Charlie



My eyes are glued shut, making it even more difficult for me to wake up. I feel like I need a crow bar, just to pry them open. My thoughts instantly drift to the conversation with my parents last night, and the tears that caused my nasty crusted eyes.

Mixed feelings fall to the pit of my stomach and I’m second guessing myself already. Everything I felt so confident about last night, now seems uncertain.

I drag myself out of bed before anyone can scream and holler at me. I don’t need that first thing in the morning. Last night was more than enough.

I pick out my clothes, just like I always do, mindful of my weight. Carefully I apply my makeup, taking a critical look at myself in the mirror. I’m as satisfied as I can be, looking the way I do.

I quietly walk in to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat and hope to avoid all confrontation. Unfortunately, I spot my dad sitting at the bar, in his trademark spot, coffee in hand with the newspaper. My mom is standing at the stove, in her bathrobe. I see her stiffen when she hears me, but she doesn’t turn.

The minute I walk in, he lifts his head up from that damn paper, and smirks at me before, dropping his head back down to continue his reading. I don’t speak, I’ve already said enough.

I grab my breakfast of choice, a bagel. I decide to grab and go–no toaster, no cream cheese. I can’t stand another minute in his house any longer then I have to be. As if he can sense my weakness, my dad decides to speak. I don’t turn around. I just stand there, waiting to hear his cut. Because I know, that’s all it ever is. I expect it. One more dig.

“Charlie, try not to embarrass yourself with this boy today.”

I don’t respond. I just start to walk to the front door so I can escape. I need air, and I feel like I’m suffocating. The moment I’m outside, I crouch down, head between my legs, with my hands on my knees and take a deep breath. I slowly stand up and start to walk over to Lexie.

I think between being in that house and my feeling of what to expect when I arrive at school is weighing heavily on me. I want to believe what my dad says isn’t true. It’s the not knowing.

How will he react when he sees me? Was this all a dream I conjured up? Deep down I know it all happened exactly as I remember in my head.

I climb into my Jeep and close the door and start her up, placing my beloved iPod into its cradle and turn it on. The moment the music is flowing through the speakers, I start to feel a tad bit better. Breathe Me by Sia starts to play, and I take a moment just to feel. Her deep throaty voice and the words to the song have so much meaning in them and resonate inside me.

“Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times before, hurt myself again today.”

These words touch a place inside my soul.

I quickly glance at the clock and notice that more time has passed then I originally first thought. I sigh, and make my five minute drive to school.

I arrive and pull into my parking spot and immediately spot Maverick waiting for me leaning up against his very cool, black 1969 Camaro. He'd told me, he and his dad restored it together, and I could tell it means a lot to him. It’s sweet. I'll give him that, and it fits him to a T. Maverick had a huge grin that spreads from ear to ear as soon as he spots my Jeep. I love how happy he looks the moment he catches sight of me.

Seeing him waiting for me erases all of my earlier doubt. I’m still sad, but seeing him took some of my sadness away.

I step out of Lexie as soon as I park, and my feet take me directly to him. We kind of meet in the middle. It’s as if we can’t stand to be apart, like a huge magnet is pulling us together, all of the time.

“How’s my girl this morning?” he asks.

Lord, that has a nice ring to it, and makes my insides to do crazy things.

“Fine,” I say. “How do you feel about dinner with the parentals on Saturday night? Worried at all?”

Maverick looks excited, of course I’m not. I mean, I’m excited to spend time with him, but I’m thinking more along the lines of impending doom. I decide to try and make this as light as possible and treat it as no big deal.

Who knows, it might not be? I’m only fooling myself.

“Haha Charlie, I’m not worried at all, didn’t you get the memo? I’m a catch.”

“Pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you?” I tease.

His joking manner stops suddenly and turns serious. “Charlie, I’m not worried because when you want to be with someone, you will do everything in your power to make it happen. I will have dinner with your parents tomorrow night, and they will love me. Do you know why?”

All I could do was shake my head.

“Because all it will take is to have dinner with me for one evening, to see that I am completely and utterly lost and crazy about their daughter, and that I would never, ever do anything to hurt her.”

Little does he know the secrets I hide and want kept hidden. So I pretend.

I couldn’t respond with words, so I showed him instead.

“Maverick, I’m going to kiss you now.” In this moment, I don’t give a shit who sees us, and I don’t have a care in the world except the two of us.

I gaze up at him feeling a little bit self-conscious and can tell that he knows this is huge for me. A pivotal moment for us, but especially for me. His beautiful blue eyes are on me, searing into me. I take complete control, even though I’m nervous as hell. I place my small hands on each side of his face and pull it down towards me. He lets me take full control, keeping his hands at his sides, letting me set the pace and I love every second of it.

I start out slow, needing my feelings to be felt by him without saying any words. I want to savor this kiss. I start brushing my lips against his softly then part my lips more, letting my tongue lick his lips. He opens his mouth wider for me and lets me gain access. My tongue brushes his, and the tempo starts to get more frantic in our kiss. I swear my mouth was made for his. He groans against my lips and that set’s me off even more. I try to remind myself that we are in the school parking lot. I slow it down and trace my tongue around his lips and end the kiss all the while rubbing his roughened cheek with my thumb.

I lean my forehead against his, trying to control my rapidly beating heart, and try desperately to slow my breathing down.

“Lord have mercy, what you do to me Charlie,” he says.

I can’t help the blush that creeps up on my cheeks, and I knew he would notice, he always does. “I also love how I can make you blush,” he says.

Instead of getting embarrassed again, I giggle and lightly smack him on the arm. “All right Mav, we better get going and quit putting on a show for the senior parking lot. I’m already the talk of the school.”

He stops abruptly and pulls me to him. “I like putting on a show. It lets everyone know that you’re mine, and you are taken.”

Before I can stop myself I say, “I seriously don’t think you need to worry about that. I’m not exactly a prime catch. I’m pretty sure you don’t have to worry about anybody trying to “steal” me away.”

He has a disapproving look on his face when he replies, “Why do you do that?”

“What?” I play innocent.

“Why do you put yourself down? I hate it, and I hate to tell you, but you are completely wrong about yourself. You don’t see what I do. The guys all check you out. You’re so different from every other girl in this school, it’s such a relief. All the guys see you as a girl with a perfect body, beautiful dark blue eyes that I could look into forever and a face to match. Do me a favor Charlie, and quit talking about yourself in this way because it seriously pisses me off!”

I stand there a little stunned. This was a first, to witness Maverick get upset. “I will try, okay? That's all I can offer right now. This is all so new to me.” I wave my arms back and forth indicating the two of us.

What he doesn't understand, is that I still can't believe that this is real. That this guy actually likes me. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror, let alone a guy like Maverick thinking of me as pretty–more than pretty. I can't escape how I feel about myself and automatically forget everything that I’ve dealt at home, just because some hot guy shows interest in me. I’m trying, but it isn't easy and it still feels like a dream that I could wake up from, at any moment.

He takes a step closer and finally breathes out heavily, leaning his forehead against mine. “I'm sorry if I upset you. I just hate how you see yourself. If that’s what you can offer, than that’s all that I ask. For now.”

I quickly change the subject. “We had better go Mav.”

Yeah, I did it. I went below the belt and used his nickname that he likes so much to help lighten the mood. The bell rings right then, and it’s time to get to class.

Who knew? Saved by the bell.