This Star Won't Go Out

Were there trapeze people too? I feel like there were. The stuff that I can remember was fun! haha . . . oooh! One of my favorite memories is my 13th birthday! We (including Keri, duh) went out to a Chinese restaurant and I opened all my presents, except one. So I opened the last one and it was a BAG OF CAT FOOD! (with other cat stuff.) I remember freaking out! Whew, I was so excited. Of course, what followed the news that [I] was getting a cat was the news of “not yet,” which, let me tell you, then followed with the longest week ever. But then I got not one but TWO cats, which was amazing. The night we brought them home, Pancake and Blueberry slept in between me and Angie. AWW.

I love the memory of last Christmas, too! Going Christmas tree hunting, “letting” Graham pick out the tree, Dad “trying” to cut it down. bahaha: D We walked all over looking for the right one! Then we went to that cabin-place with the fire and that, err . . . santa. Oh, and there was cider. OH MY GOSH! Getting my nano last year was real exciting! I watched the video of my reaction today—so funny! I was not expecting it : )



So, I totally know I’m missing out on writing so many more good memories, but oh well. I look forward to getting old and wrinkly and talking about that crazy “Esther–year” . . . Get it? Like “yester-year” but it’s “Esther” instead of “yester”! HAH!

We’ll make more memories, for sure. Some may even pass up the great ones I mentioned! : D Maybe . . .

SCREEEECH!! . . . sorry, but now I have to change my song and dance from the hip, hop, happenin’ tunes to the slow, blue-y, melodramatic. Not because I’m trying to be mean and make you cry but because I’d like to be slightly sentimental. : )

And I’d also like to share some of my feelings, since I’m not always a talker. If you don’t want to know some of my feelings, um, I don’t know. I’d find that somewhat odd . . . : (heh, heh . . .

Well, you of all people know more than anyone (except myself) what it feels like to hear I may only live a short time. It sucks, man. But I mean, it’s the truth, and the truth is icky. I guess until I had that bleeding, I figured I was getting healthier. I wasn’t feeling any different, but I thought I was. And then the bleeding knocked the sense out of me and I had no idea where I thought my . . . “health scale” was at A-one, I guess. So then I talked a bit to you guys about dying (a bit) and thought I’d be fine. Another bleed . . . Well, who knows. Radiation was taken, and I almost died. Now I’m getting healthy again and the only bad thing left (I’m exaggerating) is death. You know? Maybe I should not have shared that with you. Uhh. Scratch that? Nah, now you know what I was thinking? Yeah. Wow, I’m babbling! Yikes! : O

But rereading what I just wrote, it’s not really all what I think. I mean, I’m confused as to whether or not God’s plans include me dying soon or living till I’m 104. But I do know God has a plan. It’s not like He’s sitting up in Heaven and . . . NOT having a plan! He is in control, but I’m still worried. I take each day, say thank you for it, and then worry,worry,worry. So at one point in time I tried to fix,fix,fix, but then that didn’t work, So now I . . . worry,pray,worry,pray,worry,sleep. Hahaha : P

I do think about dying a lot, but I don’t know. I feel like I’ve finally like, grasped that I’d no longer live on Earth. But I’m working on the actual progress of death and the people missing me part, you know?

Maybe, (or maybe not) you’re interested in hearing “my” heaven? My heaven would be this all green hill-side with a really blue sky, and lots of pink and colorful flowers, that’s completely calm and serene, that I could run and run and run through—without oxygen. It’d just be really nice.




Maybe one day I’ll get to do that : ) I don’t even remember what I thought about anything even a year ago. Maybe you don’t either. Maybe brains just forget what they thought earlier or something.

I do hope that when the day comes, whether in 1, 10, or 100 years, I don’t want you to think of me and feel sad. Even now, while I’m alive, don’t think of me and say, “Poor girl. It’s sad she’s sick.” Not that you do that. Think of me and think of the sunshine, and how I looove animals, and drawing something nice. Like this smiley -> : ) <-AW! I’m such a good smiley artist : ) Speaking of that . . .

: O madamoiselle esther made a faux pas! : (