Four Summers

Dad has to take more breaks than he used to. He struggles with some of the same work, but we don’t talk about it. All of us pretend it’s not the case.

For the next week I spend my days with Dad and Alec and my nights with Nathaniel. We don’t stay out late because we both need sleep and morning comes too quickly, but we have our time and there’s always kissing and there’s always talking which are two of my favorite things to do with him. He asks questions and makes jokes and he feels more like the Nathaniel from our first summer than our second. Not that I don't love them both.

It sucks that so much of my time is now spent working, but then I think about Alec and how much freedom he’s sacrificing and I feel guilty. All that guilt is wiped away when I remember he, at least, gets paid to do it.

My cell vibrates against my hip and without looking, I know its Nathaniel. I gave him my number and we spend a lot of our time texting. His parents seem to have realized Brandon’s out of the house next year, on a football scholarship, and have been out spending family time with them every day that they’ve been here so far.

Pulling my cell out, I take a quick peek at it.

FYI, I’m coming to talk to your dad.

He’s coming to talk to my dad? I type out a quick question mark, but my reply is their car pulling up to their cabin. All four Chases climb out and Nathaniel looks toward me, the sun shining from behind him, and smiles.

“Hey, Mr. Gates. Hey, Charlotte.” Nathaniel holds out his hand and my dad grudgingly shakes it.

“How’s your summer going so far, Nathaniel?” Dad’s question surprises me. I’ve never really understood why he is so standoffish with Nathaniel, but we all know he is.

“It’s going well. I go by Nate now, though.”

The shovel falls out of my hand at that. I know last year his family started calling him Nate, but he didn’t like it. My mind flashes back to our Skype sessions, when Brandon or one of his friends would walk in. They all called him Nate.

Bending over, I pick up the shovel, suddenly a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me. That maybe he’s wishing I called him something other than what I do.

Nathaniel’s eyes dart toward mine, but then settle on my dad again. “I wanted to talk to you about helping Charlotte out around here sometimes. When I’m not out with my family, I’m always looking for something to do. I—”

“That’s okay. I appreciate the offer, but it wouldn’t be right.” Dad’s voice sounds different. Not the annoyance he usually shows where Nathaniel (or Nate?) is concerned, almost regret.

“With all due respect sir, I don’t see how it’s any different than Alec working. I’ve been around enough. I love it out here. A little extra money never hurts.”

Dad sighs, making me turn to study him. See the beads of sweat on his forehead and the tiredness in his features. Suddenly, I want to cry. I didn’t cry when he was diagnosed or when Mom and Sadie left, but my eyes beg for release right now.

“I can’t pay very much.”

Those words mean so much more than anything else he’s said or done because last summer, he never would have said them. He never would have considered letting Nathaniel help out. He would have been too proud. What does it mean that he’s not too proud anymore?

“I don’t need much. It really just gives me something to do and a little spending money.”

That we both know he doesn’t need.

“Your parents okay with it?”

“Yes, sir.”

Dad nods, and the expression on his face almost looks like it says, thank you. I wipe my eyes, realizing a tear broke free. I need it gone, not wanting him to know that I see what’s going on. That already he worries about how much he can handle. Are things progressing faster than we thought? Is he having a harder time then he admits?

Is he going to need me even more?

“We’ll fill out some papers later, okay? If you want to help Charlie out now, I’d really appreciate it.”

Just like that, Dad is gone and Nathaniel starts working with us.



“Do you want me to call you Nate?” I ask Nathaniel as we sit by the old fort. I’m not sure why we came out here tonight. It’s much easier to stick to the lake, but I didn’t bring my scope, and I always feel like we’re more alone out here.

We’re lying on the blanket. I’m on my back, Nathaniel on his side, leaning on his elbow, his other hand on my stomach. I love how we just fell into this easy closeness. Both last year and the year before we had this awkward time where neither of us could get it together. It’s part of being older I guess.

“Why do you ask that? Because of what I told your dad today?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to call me whatever you want to. Whatever comes naturally. It really doesn’t matter either way.” Leaning forward, he kisses my forehead. “Nate and Nathaniel are the same person.”

“I wish Charlotte and Charlie were,” I blurt out and then immediately want the words back.

“They are. Charlie wants the same things Charlotte does.”

“I know. And I do. I don’t think I did two years ago.”

“It’s wild that I’ve been coming here for three years. You had that deer in the headlights look the first time I saw you. Then you looked a little sick and I was scared you were going to puke on me.”

“Shut up!” I push him, but he laughs and grabs me. Rolls with me until I’m on top of him.

“I still thought you were hot.”

Hmm, I think I could get used to hearing that. “You did not.”

“I thought you were cute and I was intrigued by you. One look at you, Charlotte, and I knew there was something different about you. You weren’t like any other girls I knew. You were like this mixture of badass and…”

“Lost,” I fill in for him.

“Nope. You know your way. You just need to take it.”

At the thought of what he’s suggesting, I groan and roll off him, missing the feel of his body. “He’s worse, Nathaniel. Something’s going on he’s not telling me about, or he's scared or something. He wouldn’t have let you help if that wasn’t the case.”

Nathaniel moves and sits up next to me. “I hate that, Star Girl. It f*cking sucks, but…it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t sacrifice your whole life because of it.”

Now I push to my feet, walking over to stand next to the creek. Words rattle around in my head, but I can’t make sense of them so I don’t say anything. Instead I look up to the sky.

“What is it about stars that you love so much?” he asks.

That answer comes quickly. “Because they’re infinite. They’re miracles, and anything is possible when you look out into the massive space that goes on and on.” Because I want that. I want to explore and see what’s out there and feel as free as those stars in the sky.

“You can have that. You deserve it. Alec loves it here. He’s a bastard, but he’s like family to you. He can stay.”

“Don’t,” I shake my head.

“Char—”

“I can’t do this with you. Not right now, okay? I just…I just want to be with you right now.”

His arms wrap around me and pull me close. “I don’t mean to push. And I definitely want to be with you, too.”

When he kisses me, I forget everything else. It’s like my stars times a million. He makes me forget how things are. Forget what I’ve lost, and how I’m scared that, without him, I’ll always feel as alone as I do when he’s not here.





Nate works with us at least a couple days a week. It’s not all day, but it’s enough that we get to see each other a lot more which, according to him, was the whole reason he brought it up to Dad.

It’s hard being with him in the daytime and not having the same kind of relationship that we have during our nights. No kisses, no touches. We talk about things that don’t matter, and even though he doesn’t flirt back, I’ve to see girls hit on him. And I have to remember that I’m the one who wanted it this way. That when he started working with us, I didn’t want to deal with Dad or Alec or anyone else so I pushed to keep anything that’s more than friendly to our nights.

Easier said than done.

The other day I sprayed a girl from my school with a hose and then had to pretend it was an accident. I’ve never been so mortified in my life, and all Nate did was pull me behind a building and whisper in my ear. “I want everyone to know you’re mine, too. Just so you know.”

He put the ball in my court, but I’ve been afraid to do anything with it. Admitting it makes it more real. And Dad will freak out and Alec will be worse. It’s stupid, but I can’t help how I feel.

Around six, one evening in early July, a truck pulls up, packed with people from school. They're all people Nate and Brandon have met before. Guys from Alec’s football team and girls I pretend to know how to relate to.

Matt, stands up in the back of the truck and yells, “Where’s Alec? We wanna a plaaaaaay baaaaaall!”

“Douchebag. That’s baseball,” Nate mumbles to me. I practically hear Alec perk up from where he’s standing about fifty feet away from us. His football sensor is going off.

“We’re in! Let me hit up Brandon!” Alec jerks out his phone and starts sending a text.

“God forbid two football obsessed guys play a game without each other.”

Nate doesn’t reply, so I look over at him to see he’s staring at me. One of his eyebrows goes up and he has a mischievous look on his face.

“What?” I ask.

“We’re playing.”

“Yes, sir?” I tease and he rolls his eyes.

“Don’t act like that. I know you wanna play. Plus, it gives me an excuse to be able to tackle you.”

My neck heats. I still can’t make myself stop blushing with him. “We play flag football.”

“That’s good, because I might freak out a little if someone else tackled you, but on the other hand, oops. My bad. I didn’t mean for you to end up under me like this, Star Girl.”

More heat. And excitement.

“What if we’re on the same team?” I ask, trying to be flirty with him and not sure if I’m pulling it off or not.

Nate shrugs. “We will be. Did I ever tell you I have a problem with accidentally tackling my own team?”

I smirk, thinking there might not be anything in the world a good as being on the same football team with Nate.



I’m not a violent person, but I really, really want to kill Danielle. Logic doesn’t matter. Who cares that she doesn’t know I’m with Nate. Am I really with Nate? He leaves in August and he has a life several states away. I try to have one here. It’s not like I expect a seventeen-year-old guy to try to have a long distance relationship, but for now, yes, we’re together. And if she doesn’t stop trying to stand by him in every huddle and talk to him every two seconds, I’m likely to lose it for the first time in my life.

I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous.

“Nate, over here! I’m open!” Danielle calls. Never mind that she really is open, I hate that he throws her the football.

I’m totally jealous.

Danielle drops the ball and I almost cheer. What is wrong with me? She’s on my team. I shouldn’t be cheering when she misses the ball.

“What’s wrong?” Nate asks a few minutes later when we take our places, ready for the other team to come at us.

“Nothing.”

When I try to keep walking, he grabs my waist. Nerves push at my jealousy and I step back, not wanting to have to deal with Alec finding out Nate and I are whatever we are.

“Whatever,” Nate replies. I can’t blame him for not pushing. For turning and walking away because not only has he done nothing wrong, but I’m the one who stepped away from him. Who lied to him. That doesn’t stop it from hurting.

The game keeps going. I’m dirty and sweaty. The game is tied and Nate hasn’t tried to talk to me anymore.

I can’t stop thinking that he tried to touch me and I stepped away. My head isn’t in the game and even though we manage to stop them, I’m not sure how.

Our ball.

We get into our huddle, like we ever really do what we say we’re going to do anyway. I run up the field, dodging Alec. He’s strong, and fast, but I’m hoping to keep myself ahead of him.

“Charlie!” someone yells and when they do, I turn to see the ball flying in the air at me. It’s over thrown a little so I’m still running, trying to grab it, and before I even have the chance to reach for the ball, I hit the ground.

Hard.

“Shit! I’m sorry, Charlie. I couldn’t stop.” Matt’s tangled in me and even though there’s a little bit of pain in my back from hitting the ground, I’m okay.

Slowly, I try to stand as Matt does the same. “It’s cool. No—”

‘Worries’ doesn’t have time to come out of my mouth before Nate’s yelling, “What the f*ck, man!”

And then Matt stumbles back as Nate pushes him.

“Dude, it was an accident!” Matt yells back.

By then I’m to my feet. Brandon gets to Nate before me and grabs his arm. “Chill out, bro.”

“Did you see how hard he hit her?” Looking back at Matt, he shouts, “You need to watch what the hell you’re doing.”

Nate turns to me, right as I step up to him. “It’s cool. I’m good.” Maybe this makes me sound like a bitch, but it feels good to have him stick up for me. That he cares that much, but I also don’t want him and Matt fighting.

I wonder why I won’t risk Dad or Alec’s wrath so everyone would know that, for now, he’s with me.

“I’m good.” Then I push up on my toes and press my lips to his. It’s a quick kiss, but that’s all we need. Danielle gasps, Brandon laughs and…nothing at all comes from Alec. It doesn’t matter. None of it. Nothing but Nate and me.

“Oh, I got you.” Matt says with a laugh.

Nate shrugs. “Sorry, man.” We all start moving again.

“Our ball,” I say to everyone else, and then to Nate, “Let’s do that play again. This time, you and me. I won’t get hit again.”

The look he gives me makes my heart stutter. It's something like…awe. But then, what reason would he have to look at me like that?

“Let’s do it.”

When I look over, Brandon’s hand is on the back of Alec’s neck and as they walk back to their side of the field, he kind of shakes him, like boys do trying to pump each other up or whatever. If they’re talking about Nate and me, I don’t care. If they’re making a plan to defend me, they’re not going to have a chance.

A few minutes later, I’m running down the field again. Nate’s arm goes back and he throws the ball at me, and it’s perfect. It falls right into my arms as I pass everyone to make a touchdown. And, somehow, Nate is right behind me. He grabs me and lifts me up. We don’t kiss again, but we don’t have to. We don’t win the game either, but it doesn’t matter. Right now, I feel like I’ve won the world.



“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Danielle says. “I mean…I wondered for a little while last year, but then nothing happened and you never said anything. Why the hell didn’t you stake your claim on that boy? He’s hot. Oh, wait…didn’t you date Lance last year?”

I glance at Danielle. I don’t even know how to reply to all of that. “This is…new.” Though it’s not really. We’ve been dancing around it since the first summer. Nate feels as much a part of my life as breathing. “Kind of new this year. He’s only here for the summers though.”

“Awww! So have you guys have, like, this secret love affair every summer? Only one more year left until you finish school, though. Then you can go to college together and live happily ever after!”

Her enthusiasm is freaking me out a little bit, not to mention the pain that her “happily ever after” vision conjures up inside me.

“Poor Alec… I’ve always thought he was secretly in love with you.”

I throw a glance over my shoulder to see all the guys are still standing in the middle of the field.

“Alec’s not in love with me.” I don’t think. Could he be? Could Alec really be in love with me instead of it being about The Village and our friendship? No, it’s been too much time. He would have told me.

“Heads up!” Nate yells. The football that Brandon brings every year comes flying at me and I catch it before tossing it into the truck. I think I hear Danielle say, “swoon” before walking back to everyone.

“I’m totally going to kiss you right now. Watching you play football gets me hot.” Nate says into my neck and I can’t help but laugh. He feels good. No, incredible, like he always does.





It’s 8:30 when we get back to The Village. Alec’s mom had been the one to tell Dad they could handle things for a while if we went to play football and now she’s sitting on the back deck with him and Alec’s dad.

“I should probably go over there,” I tell Nate, who gives me a nod.

“I should probably check in with my parents and see what’s going on.”

We nod like we both aren’t sure how to act. It’s one thing to show affection in front of our friends, but Dad is a whole different story. Nate works for him. They’re renting a cabin from him. I don’t think Dad would make them leave, but what if he did?

“See you tonight, Star Girl.” Nate winks before jogging over and playfully shoving his brother. They screw around back and forth while they’re walking to their cabin. I can’t stop myself from watching them until the door closes.

“Can we talk?” Alec asks and I jump, unable to believe I forget he was standing so close.

“Sure.” I shrug.

“We’re going to go for a walk!” he calls to our parents, who just nod and smile without a second thought.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” is the first thing out of Alec’s mouth when we hit the beach. He automatically walks the opposite direction as I go with Nathaniel and as ridiculous as it is, I’m glad.

“Nothing’s changed. You can’t tell me you didn’t know something was going on. Seeing it doesn’t—”

“Seeing it does make it more real and you know it, Charlie Rae. If you didn’t really care about him, we either would have been seeing it all along, or we never would have at all. Don’t pretend like I don’t know you.”

My eyes close for a second before, resigned, I force them to open again. “Of course you know me. We’ve been friends our whole lives. So…maybe you should trust me.”

Alec stops walking. “What is that supposed to mean? You know I trust you.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah. I don’t trust him not to hurt you. I mean…what do you think will happen? Or what are you planning on happening? Do you not want The Village anymore?”

I never did! Not like you. Not like Dad. Not that I have a choice. Those sentences scream in my brain but I don’t let any of them out. I trap them there because all they will do is cause pain.

“Nothing’s changed, Alec. I know that. I would never leave Dad. You know me better than that. Nate and I both know whatever is going on will be over with the summer.”

Understanding, which I didn’t expect, sparks in his eyes. “I know… I hear ya. You know I love you, right? I would do anything for you. I just…don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I know.” There has never been a doubt in my mind about that. Alec has always tried to take care of me. We’ve looked after and been there for each other. Even when we fight, I know it won’t last long, because we just don’t work that way.

Alec was the first person I ever told how I felt about my sister. The first person to get it, and tell me that I mattered. He beat up boys who called me names, and taught me how to climb trees and play ball. We will always be a part of each other’s lives.

“I’ll be okay, Alec. Just trust me. I can’t get hurt when I know what I’m getting into.”

But really, I have no idea.



“Have you made any plans for college?” I ask Nate as we lay on the blanket, the water not far from us. Rolling over to look at him, I wince, a little pain stabbing into my back.

“Your back still hurt?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t that bad after Matt’s hit, but then I think I lifted wrong today.”

He frowns, but then his demeanor changes when he says, “Take off your shirt.”

“Excuse me?” That totally came out of nowhere. Yes, I went skinny dipping with him last year and we’ve had some pretty heavy make out sessions this summer, but I still didn’t expect that.

“I’ll massage your back,” he tells me.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Believe me. I’m doing it for totally selfish reasons. I’ll take mine off, too, if you want.”

I roll my eyes. “You have your shirt off half the time anyway.” He goes shirtless a whole lot more this year than he did last. I like it. But before he has the chance to do anything, I hold my breath and pull my shirt over my head. Nate’s eyes go wide and I try to remind myself that I have a bra on this time.

“They’re bigger,” I blurt out and then almost die. Covering my face with my hands I say, “Oh my God! I can’t believe I just said that.”

“I can’t believe you think I didn’t notice.” Nate laughs before pulling my hands away. “We’re going to be in some serious trouble here if you don’t lay on your stomach.”

“Boys.” Playfully, I roll my eyes before lying down. Nate straddles my butt and I’m really hoping it doesn’t feel too cushiony.

“Can I undo this?” His fingers touch my back, under the strap.

The first time I try to speak, nothing comes out. The second time I manage to squeak out a, “Yes.”

He does, and then his hands start kneading the tender muscles in my shoulders…down, down to my lower back before he goes up again.

“So…college. Do we really want to talk about that?”

Is it just me or does his voice sound a little rougher than it did a minute ago?

“Why not? It’s an important part of your life.”

“Yours, too. Don’t make it sound like that. Just because you might go to community college locally doesn’t mean you’re not going to school.”

I nod because he’s right.

Nate continues, “I haven’t made specific plans. I still have my whole senior year. But there are a couple places I’m considering. You know I wanna study architecture, right?” His hands keep moving, keep massaging as he talks.

“Of course I know. You told me that your first summer here. I’m not surprised you didn’t change your mind—”

“—You remember that?” he cuts me off.

I wonder if it makes me sound pathetic to be honest, but I do it anyway. “I remember everything.”

“Shit…” Nate curses, making me wonder what’s wrong. “Will you roll over?” he asks, pushing up onto his knees so there is more room. There’s only about two seconds of hesitation before I do as asked.

My bra still covers me, but it’s looser being unstrapped. I expect his eyes to drift down to my boobs, but they don’t. “UCLA. It’s my top choice.”

California. The place he knows I want to go. My heart starts going crazy because I don’t know what that means. If it means anything. Maybe he’s always wanted to go to California. Hell, maybe he has family there. But maybe…maybe he’s saying he wants to go because I do.

“Nate—” His finger against my lips quiets me.

“Shh…Just wanted you to know.” Then the look in his eyes switches and he does what I thought he would do a few minutes ago. His gaze lands on my chest. When our eyes meet again, I see the silent question there. I nod my head and with slow hands, he slides my bra off each arm before tossing it aside.

“Still perfect.”

My heart does all sorts of somersaults and back handsprings that he remembers exactly what he told me last year. And then he starts kissing me. His mouth exploring more than just my lips. I arch toward him and fist my hand in his hair.

I love you, I want to tell him, but something deep inside me thinks he might already know.