Four Summers

All the lights are off in Nate’s cabin when we get home. Dad and I don’t talk further and I go straight to my room.

Hey.

Hey he replies.

Just got home. What ya doing?

Lying in bed. Have fun?

No.

What happened?

Nothing…fight with Dad. See you 2morrow?

Always, Star Girl. ‘Night.

Goodnight



Dad and I stand in front of the deck on the empty cabin. The completely finished deck that wasn’t done when we left it yesterday.

“Wow…” Dad runs a hand over his head.

Yeah. Wow.

The parking spot in front of cabin 3B is empty. Nate texted me to let me know his parents wanted them to all hang out together today, since they’d be leaving soon. Leaving. That word pries my chest wide open.

“Did you know?” Dad asks.

“No.”

There’s remorse in his voice, but not enough. I know it doesn’t change anything. Neither will my words. “He’s a good person. He’d never hurt me like that guy hurt Mom. I’m taking the day off.”

Dad doesn’t reply and I don’t wait. It doesn’t matter that Nate won’t be here until this evening. I can’t spend my day with Dad. I go swimming, something I haven’t done by myself in a long time. Afterward I change clothes and go for a hike, hoping my head will clear in all the open space.

Nate leaves in a week. I thought the fact that we’re going to stay together would change the empty feeling inside me. It’s crazy how you can feel empty and full at the same time. It’s exactly what has taken me over. The emptiness fills me.

When I get back down to the house, I pack a bag with my telescope, blanket, and all the other things I bring on our nights out. Nate texts when they get back and we pick the time to meet. Dad and I have dinner together, making small talk, but he knows I’m mad and I’m not ready to be over it. Mom left. Sadie left. But I’m still stuck here. And it sucks and it’s not fair and I wish he would see that.

“Hey you,” Nate says after I climb out the window.

“Hey.” We lock hands before I say, “Let’s go to the fort tonight.”

We take the same path we’ve taken so many times together over the past three years. The path that I wonder if we’ll ever take together again. If I leave—though I don’t know how I will—we might not take this walk again.

If I stay, we might not either. Next summer he’ll be getting ready to go wherever he decides to go to school, ready to live his life. I’ll be helping here and going to school locally, which isn’t horrible, but not my dream either.

I stomp those thoughts down, not wanting anything to cloud this last time we have together.

When we get to the fort, we sit in our chairs behind it like we always do. I look through the telescope a little bit, but I’m not really feeling.

“You finished the deck,” I finally say while sitting on his lap.

“It was nothing. Dragged Brandon out there to help me, then went back out to stain it after you got home.”

“Hey!” I tease. “You lied! You said you were in bed.”

Nate only shrugs. “Wanted to do it for you guys.”

He looks down and picks at the peeling paint on the chair. A tense prickle covers my body, making me worried about what’s going on. “What is it?” I finally ask.

He stalls before answering. “I get it… What’s going on with your dad? Seeing that yesterday? I get it. I know why you feel like you can’t leave him. I don’t think I realized it before, but…I guess I’m selfish because it doesn’t stop me from wanting to keep on doing what we had planned, ya know?”

“I know.” Because I feel the same way. I lay my head on his shoulder.

“I was stressing out on saying anything or not, but I knew I had to. I want you, Charlotte. I still want to be with you and see what happens. We can apply for schools still together or not. I just want you to know…I want you to have your stars and that has nothing to do with me…but I get it, okay? I know you’re scared, but don’t be. If you decide you can’t go, I’ll understand.”

Love over takes that empty feeling, kicking and shoving it out of my system. There’s no room for it when I’m with him. “You have the biggest heart of anyone in the whole wide world,” I say before kissing him.

Nate kisses me back, urgently, taking the kiss deeper like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. He twists me so I’m facing him, straddling him, and his hands go under the back of my shirt.

And I know I don’t want him to stop. Nathaniel Chase gave me my very first moment. He gave me my first kiss. He was the first boy to see me naked. To take me skinny-dipping. The first boy I loved, and I want him to have every one of my firsts. Not that I think I’ll ever be with anyone else, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that nothing in life is a guarantee.

“Do you…” Breathe, Charlotte. It’s Nate. I can say anything to Nate. “I want to really be with you. Do you have any condoms?”

Nate’s eyes go wide and his hands tighten slightly on my waist. He gives me a small nod, but then says, “You don’t have to.”

“I want to… Do you want to?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I do.”

I can’t help but chuckle at that.

Nate trails one of his fingers down the side of my face, torturously slow. “You are so incredible.”

Nate grabs my hand and I let him help me stand. He’s right behind me, picking up my bag. “I wish I could take you somewhere better,” he whispers, before leading me into the fort. It’s clean inside. I keep it that way because it’s important to me.

He lets go of my hand, grabs the blanket and lays it out, then sets the flashlights so we can see. He kicks out of his shoes and I do the same. Taking the edge of my shirt, he pulls it over my head and drops it to the floor, then takes his off.

“Okay?” he asks, his fingers on the button of my shorts.

The only reply I can manage is a nod. My heart is beating so hard. My pulse a loud bang in my ears. He pushes the button through the hole. Slides the zipper down. I hold my breath as he pushes my shorts and panties down my legs. His come off and I gasp a little, really seeing instead of catching a quick glimpse like the time we went skinny-dipping.

“I probably should have waited to do that until we were lying down.”

I love that he’s as nervous as I am. I don’t know if he’s done this before, and right now I don’t care. “It’s okay.”

“You’re beautiful.” His eyes trace my body.

And then we lay down and he kisses me, touches me. I touch him, too. Nate grabs the condom and his hands shake as he rips it open. I watch in fascination as he puts it on.

“It’ll hurt,” he says. “But I’ll be careful.”

“I know.”

And it does hurt, but he’s careful. His kisses help to dull the pain. And the whole time I know, this is another of our moments. And it’s what I always hoped it would be. What I hope we’ll be able to do a million times in our future. This is Nate and we’re doing something together I’ve never done with another person.

When it’s over we lay next to each other. Nate pulls one side of the blanket up and over us. His hand is in my hair like it so often is.

“You okay, Star Girl?”

“Yeah.”

“Was…was it okay?”

I lean up onto my arms so I’m looking down at him. “Was that your first time, too?”

Nate nods and I close my eyes, wishing to stay in this moment. I guess it’s something neither of us has ever done with someone else. It surprises me. I know Nate it popular and he’s gone out with a lot of girls, but I’m glad. “It was perfect,” I finally tell him.

“What are we going to do?”

My answer is automatic. “I don’t want to lose you. Like you said, we can talk every day.” It’ll be hard, but if anyone can do it, it’s Nate and I.

He rolls me over, kisses my lips, then the star at the base of my throat. “I love you.”

My eyes are wet when I say, “I love you, too.”





We’ve been out to the fort every night. He leaves tomorrow and I want to stall as though keeping busy will somehow make the night take longer to get here, but at the same time, I want it to hurry. Want to be alone with him so we can talk and he can hold me and make me forget we have to say goodbye.

It’s not goodbye, I tell myself. I’ll see him soon. He said in October.

I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. I’m not supposed to meet him for a while yet, but I can’t stand being in this room. It’s driving me crazy. I push off my bed, grab my backpack, and crawl out. I see Nate sneaking off to the side of their cabin. He must have had the same idea as me, wanting to come out early.

Not wanting to wake anyone, I don’t shine the flashlight his way, but quietly try to catch up with him. I have a little ways to make up because I don’t want be too loud and his cabin is a whole lost closer to the woods.

Once I hit the trees, I hope I’m going the right way. Where the heck is he going? “Nate.” I whisper loudly, as though he can hear me.

I get this strange feeling in my stomach, but I try to ignore it as I keep going. There’s no reason to freak out. I know these woods like the back of my hand and Nate is out here somewhere, but he’s not going to any of our usual locations.

I stumble into one of the trees and lean against it and that’s when I see him. Them.

Only it’s not Nate. It’s Brandon.

And he’s not with some girl.

It’s Alec.

What the heck are they doing out here? Brandon’s back is to me and I see Alec give him a huge smile. One that I’ve never, ever seen him give me, or any other girl for that matter.

“What about your brother?” Alec asks.

“He thinks its Danielle.”

Everything in my world turns upside down in that moment as I see Brandon lean forward and kiss Alec. Kiss him the way Nate kisses me. The way I’ve never seen two boys kiss before. My brain keeps telling my eyes to look away because this is their private business and I have no right to intrude on it, but I just can’t do it.

Betrayal shoots through me. Alec is gay. How could he never have told me he’s gay? Did he think I would look at him any differently?

But suddenly, a whole lot of things make sense—why Brandon is even here this year, how Alec seemed to know things about Nate I didn’t expect. I think of the football Brandon has every time he’s here and realize it has a big “X” on it and remember the time Alec was screwing around and drew it on there, saying X marked the spot because he liked football so much. He did that before we even knew them, and now I know Alec must have given the ball to Brandon. His favorite football.

Brandon’s hand goes under Alec’s shirt as his mouth leaves Alec’s lips to slide down his neck, and that’s when Alec’s eyes find mine. I’m frozen. Scared, guilty, confused, hurt, every feeling I could possibly have is battling inside me.

“Shit. Charlie. It’s…it’s not....” As Alec is jerking away from Brandon, I run. I’m not quite sure why I’m running, but my feet won’t stop.

“Charlie! Wait!” Alec’s voice comes again, closer. A few seconds later he grabs me and pulls me to a stop. Everything about him looks frantic, his eyes, his facial expressions.

“I don’t understand.” It’s a pretty stupid thing to say because what’s to understand? Alec is obviously gay and never told me.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want—I thought—I was confused.”

“How long?”

He shakes his head. “Charlie…”

“If you don’t want me to walk away right now, Alec, I need you to be honest.” My whole body is shaking though I don’t know why.

“Officially? It started last summer.”

Oh God. The whole time we thought Brandon was sneaking out with Sadie last year, it was Alec.

“Wait. What do you mean officially?”

He looks guilty and I want to tell him not to. Despite everything, guilt for his feelings about Brandon doesn’t belong here.

“We’ve talked all year…every year. Even after the first summer.”

I’m not sure what to say, or how to react. Brandon blew off Sadie for Alec. It’s crazy.

He’s frantic now. “Swear to me. Swear you won’t ever tell anyone, Charlie. You say I’m your best friend, and you know I would do anything for you. Swear you won’t tell anyone.”

“But…don’t you want to be with him?” It’s not right that he has to be so scared to be with the person he wants. It’s not right that he felt like he had to hide it from me.

“Swear it.”

“Of course. I swear. How long have you known you’re gay, Alec?” My voice softens, still trying to wrap my mind around this.

“I’m not gay. Seriously.”

“You’ve been seeing a guy for a year. I’m pretty sure that makes you gay.” Reaching out, I touch his arm. “It’s okay. You don’t have to hide it from me. You can tell me anything.”

“No,” he shakes his head, looking slightly frantic.

The next thing I know, Alec’s lips are on mine. I’m so shocked that it takes me a second to register what’s happening. A second to try to push him away, but that one little stall ruined it. A moment can change everything.

“What the f*ck?” Nate yells. I’m jerking away from Alec and then Nate’s fist flies through the air, landing a hard hit to Alec’s jaw. Alec staggers backward, but catches his footing and then he’s charging at Nate.

“No! Stop it!” I scream.

Alec shoves Nate to the ground and punches him in the stomach. Nate groans, but rolls them quickly so he’s on top. Nate punches him again. Before I can get to them to try and separate them, Brandon is there, pulling his brother off Alec.

All I can think is thank God. We can get this sorted out and everything will be okay.

“What the hell? Charlotte?” Nate is trying to pull away from Brandon who has a tight grip on his arms.

“It’s not what it looks like. I swear. I don’t know why he kissed me. He—”

“Charlie, please.” Pure fear shines in Alec’s eyes, making a bone deep sadness spread throughout me. The first thought in my mind is, is how sad. How horrible to be so afraid to be able to admit who you are. I can’t imagine that feeling.

“Please.” He stresses again. When I make eye contact with Brandon, the same fear reflects back from his eyes.

And my heart breaks for them. It’s not my secret to tell.

“Tell him,” I say to Alec. “Tell Nate it’s not what it looks like.”

Alec is silent.

Brandon is silent.

“Get the f*ck off me!” Nate jerks free from his brother’s grasp.

“He kissed me. I was pulling away.”

“And he’s here!” Nate screams. “He’ll always be here to keep trying to do it again.”

“So? You’ll be back home, with other girls too! You go out with a whole lot more people than I ever have!”

“Not girls I planned to end up with one day.” His voice cracks, pain shining through, but it’s not the kind of shine you want. It’s dull, aching.

“I don’t love him. I love you. You know that.” I don’t know what else to say. How to explain without telling him what I saw—something I’m still trying to work out. My brain isn’t working right with so much overloading it at once. “He kissed me, and I was shocked. I swear it’s not what it looks like. I love you.” I say again.

“Why are you even out here with him?” I’ve never heard Nate’s voice sound like it does right now. Broken.

I look at Brandon, silently pleading for help. His eyes go wide. Alec scrambles to his feet and I’m afraid to look at him, but I do and I see exactly what I knew I would. More fear mixed with a reminder of what I just promised him.

“Charlie, you promised.” Alec’s words light a fire in Nate’s eyes, no doubt wondering what kind of promise I made. My body is weak, but primed and on edge too. I can’t find the right words to say to fix this for all of us.

“I can’t say, but it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s a misunderstanding, though. You know me, Nate.”

As long as I live, I will never forget the anger on his face when he looks at me. The dark red, edged sadness.

“I thought I did, but I obviously don’t. Or I didn’t want to believe it. You’ll always pick him over me.”

“What? No.” I reach for him, but he steps out of my grasp. “That’s not what this is. You know that! I’m not picking him over you. I’ve always picked you.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Nate shouts. “We’ve had to hide because of him. You didn’t even want him to know about us in the beginning. We’ve said it before a million times. He’s always here. You’ve known him your whole life and you’re always going to pick him over me.”

“Alec. Tell him.” I look at him. “Tell Nate the truth. Please.”

Alec is pale in the moonlight. Terrified. No one says a word. I’m shocked. Can’t believe what happened or that Nate doesn’t believe me.

“You know what? I’m done. You wanted easy, I’ll give you easy. You can have your life with him. Then you’ll make everyone happy: your dad, Alec, his family. I sure as hell hope you’re happy too.” Nate’s hand goes to his neck and he rips the star necklace off and drops it to the ground before walking away.

“Nate! Don’t go. Please!” I call after him, tears streaming down my face, but he just keeps going.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” Brandon says before running after his brother. Nate has walked away from me every summer for the past three years and none of them hurt like this one. Because this time, there is no doubt in my mind I’ve lost him forever. Logically I know all it would take is for me to tell him, but I can’t. Not this. Why didn’t he believe me?

I fall to the ground and cry.

“Charlie?” Alec steps up beside me.

“Get the f*ck away from me! I hate you! You ruined everything!”

I push to my feet and run away from him.





I go to the fort and lie on the ground and cry. Cry so much my eyes hurt. I’m crying for Nate and losing him and how much I love him. Even though I hate them, I’m crying for Brandon and Alec, too. That they’d be able to hurt people they care about because they’re so scared for anyone to know who they’re attracted to. I don’t understand that and I never will. And as much as I want to tell Nate the truth, tell him why, I know I can’t. How can I be the one to out them on something as deeply personal as that? I swore to Alec, and I won’t break my promise, but I’m so upset he’d let me lose Nate to keep his own secret.

Soon I’m also crying for me and for Dad and what’s happening to him. For the fact that Mom and my sister left us, and they’re living their lives in Atlanta while I’m left alone to deal with this.

At some point I stop crying, and fall asleep. The sun peeking through the cracks in the wood wakes me up. And I run. All I can think about is Nate. Maybe I can make him understand. Maybe I can get Alec or Brandon to be honest with him. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. I deserve that, right? After everything we’ve been through.

My chest hurts from running so hard and fast.

When I break through the woods and to the ground of The Village, their car is gone, and Alec sits on the porch of their lonely-looking cabin.

“I told your dad you were with me last night. That I have some stuff going on and you were helping me deal with it. You’re good to go for today.”

“F*ck you, Alec.”

“I’m sorry, Charlotte.” I freeze at his use of my real name. “I’m so sorry that you got hurt, but I can’t say anything. Don’t you understand that?”

Without realizing I started walking, I’m standing at the porch with him. “No, I don’t. I know it’s hard, but I don’t get letting us get hurt because of it. At least you guys should be able to tell Nate. He’s Brandon’s brother. He would understand.” I sigh, still unable to believe what I’m about to say to him. To Alec. “There's nothing wrong with being gay.”

“Pfft. That’s easy for you to say when you haven’t lived it. Some people don’t come out till they’re forty f*cking years old because of how people react. It’s…it’s hard and you can never understand that unless it’s you.”

“Alec—”

“Brandon has a football scholarship. How many active professional football players can you name that are gay? You think they won’t give him shit in college? Not want to share a locker room with him; afraid he’s going to, what? Attack them or something? Rub off on them? You don’t know what it’s like for him, Charlie.” For the first time since we were kids, there are tears in Alec’s eyes. “He can’t do it. He’s scared to tell anyone, even his brother.”

“You love him,” I whisper, sadness bleeding through for him. For Alec and Brandon.

“It doesn’t matter if I do.” He shrugs.

“Yes, it does. What about you? You had a whole list of reasons why his is hard for Brandon, what about you?”

“Come on, Charlie. You’ve heard my dad talk. How many times does he talk about “those faggots”? How disgusting they are? I might not be as good as Brand and I might not have the same future as him, either, but I don’t want people giving me shit when we’re playing ball.”

“Does your Dad know, Alec? Is that why you guys aren’t getting along as well?”

He blanches at that, real fear on his face. “Of course he doesn’t know! It’s just…I hate when he says shit like that and it’s hard not to pull away from him. We got into an argument one day because he said something about this guy at the store and I just…I lost it. After that, things have been different.”

I try to find the right words to say to him, but nothing comes. Soon Alec continues. “I just wanna be me. Alec. I’m gonna find a way to be the Alec everyone wants me to be.”

There’s a part of me who hates him so much for what he’s done, for how things turned out, but my heart is crushed for him too. “You need to be the Alec you are. You’re one of the best people I know. There’s nothing wrong with who you are.”

Stepping forward, I pull him into a hug. We stand there for so long my legs ache, but I keep holding him. Keep being there for the boy who has always been my best friend. The only person I’ve known as long as my family, while he cries.

The world is so screwed up sometimes. How we make people hate who they are, hide who they are. It’s one of those things I hear about on TV or read about, but I never thought it would affect me until Alec.

“We could be happy, you know, Charlie,” he says after forever.

“What?” I pull away from him. “What are you talking about?”

“You know I love you. You’re my best friend and I’m yours. We could be happy. We’d never have to worry about getting hurt. About being left…”

Because I’m not the only one who got left behind today—or the last two summers before, either. This whole time I thought I was alone in my pain, but I wasn’t. Alec suffered silently.

“We’d always be there for each other and I love your family and you love mine. No one would ever know. We’d be happy,” he says again. “We always figured we’d run The Village one day anyway, and—”

My hand flies up and I slap him. “You a*shole.” Suddenly everything makes sense. Why he hated me with Nate so much, but didn’t mind the other boys. Why he didn’t date much and let people assume we’d be together one day. Why he always, always kept me in the wings, because if he tried to help me with Nate last night, or didn’t care if I was with Nate, I couldn’t be here for him.

He’s always wanted me as his cover. To use me to pretend he’s straight. To live a lie. Nate threatened that. I feel used and cheated by the one person I never thought would hurt me.

“Charlie…I love you,” he says again. “I want to make you happy. I’d forget all about Brand and we could…ya know…”

No tears are left to cry. Nothing I can do to change anything. There isn’t doubt in my mind that Alec loves me. I don’t believe he tried to hurt me, but that doesn’t matter because he did nonetheless. “I know you do, Alec. But it’s not enough. Stay away from me. I never want to talk to you again.”

It’s not just Alec and Brandon I’m upset with either. Nate didn’t trust me. If we really knew each other the way we thought, he would have.

This summer took away from me the only boy I’ve ever loved, and my best friend. I’ve always depended on having Alec there…then Nate came and I wanted to always be with him. It’s time I leave that in that past, and only count on myself. I walk away knowing nothing will ever be the same.





The next few months are hard. Alec and I aren’t talking. I miss my friend. Nate is never far from my mind and my heart aches for him…but I keep busy. I apply for schools I’ll probably never go to because it helps to pretend and feels good to do something because I want it. Dad asks about Alec, and I won’t say more than we had a fight. No matter how hurt I am, I’ll never tell his secrets. Danielle and I get close and I date a couple boys and try not to compare them to Nate. In December, Dad meets Nancy. In February I ask Alec to the Valentines dance, because I can’t stop talking to him forever. We have too much of a past for that. He knows I’ll never play his game, but no matter what, we’ll always be best friends. I can’t imagine how it feels to be willing to do anything to keep a secret. Alec has enough on his mind, and I can’t abandon him. Some days I’m happy, some I’m sad, but I’m always wishing and hoping for my future—for my stars. Everything changes on a rainy afternoon when Dad tells me we need to talk…





“You and Marisol broke up, huh?” Brandon asks me as we head toward Columbia University. Brandon’s back early from Ohio. We took the train to the city and we’re on our way to meet Dad for lunch.

“Yeah… What’s the point? It’s not like the long distance thing would work.” I didn’t want to try and make it work. Neither did she, so it wasn’t a big deal.

“That’s a shame. She’s hot. Especially when she speaks Spanish,” my brother teases.

“How are you ending your freshman year in college and you’re still a douchebag? You never even met her.”

Brandon nudges me. “I didn’t need to meet her. Pictures and her voice were enough.” He winks.

“F*cker,” I call him. “You talk about girls enough, but I never see you with one anymore. We’re going to have to work on your game, man.”

“There’s more important shit than girls.”

When I look at Brandon, I see he’s staring in the opposite direction. “Yeah, football. How could we forget? Nothing can ever be as important as football.”

A woman walks right between us like we aren’t even there. Brandon drops the conversation and says, “I can’t believe you’re staying even closer to home than I did.”

“Columbia’s awesome for architecture,” is what comes out of my mouth, when really I just want tell him, me too. My mind tries to wander back to plans I had with Charlotte that we both should have known would never happen. It’s easier to slam the door now.

We’re quite for a few seconds as we make our way down the street. Brandon’s the one who speaks first, “It’s kind of crazy isn’t it?”

“Not a magic eight ball. Can’t read your mind.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” he tells me, but then adds, “Being in New York for the summer. I mean, it’s not that I care, because there’s a whole hell of a lot more to do here, but it’s just…”

“Crazy,” I finish for him. It sucks that he brought it up, but it’s true. Not that I really would have expected Brandon to say it. Yeah, he had fun at The Village, but that second year, he was pissed he had to go. The third, it was just for something to do. He never looked forward to it the way I did. Probably because he wasn’t a dumbass kid who thought he was in love with some summer girl.

Brandon’s quiet again and I wonder what the hell is going on. It’s usually hard to shut him up. You can always tell when he’s freaked out about something because he’s not blabbing about stuff.

I’m about to ask him what’s up when he asks, “Do you ever…you know, talk to her or anything? I ask because I know how you guys were so I didn’t know if you made up or whatever.”

My skin suddenly feels too tight. My mind flashes back to seeing her kissing Alec that night. F*ck, I thought I was over all this. It’s been nine months. “Nope. We don’t talk.”

“Oh… That sucks.” His voice sounds weird. Soft or something. “I’m sorry, man.”

Brandon stops walking, so I do, too. “What are you sorry for? It’s not your fault I was an idiot and thought she wasn’t really into Alec. They have their history or whatever. Nothing we can do about that.”

It probably makes me even more pathetic because that doesn’t really feel right. I know her and get her and can’t imagine her really wanting to be with him. But then she had her chance and no matter what the reason, she chose him when she kissed him that night. Chose to keep quiet about whatever Alec wanted her to and that says a whole hell of a lot. How could I trust her after that?

“Nate…do you love her?”

Brandon’s question socks me in the gut. Do I love Charlotte? I thought I did. Or is it I think I do? How the hell do you really know the answer that question? I know there has never been anyone like her. She made me see things and feel things no one else ever did. Something ripped me open when I saw her kissing Alec. Like she yanked out all my insides and I still feel the aftershocks from it. If he would’ve asked me that last summer, I never would have hesitated. I actually f*cking talked to my dad about her and all I got was you're young and at that age, blah, blah.

But I felt her in my bones, saw her when I closed my eyes, and would have done anything to be with her. If that’s not love, what is?

I don’t say any of that to my brother though. Brandon’s always busting my balls about something and even though I bust his right back I don’t want to go there when it comes to Charlotte.

“Because if you did…well…”

“It’s over man. I’m starting college in a few months. Charlotte’s in the past.”

I feel like the world’s biggest liar. And when I look at Brandon, for the first time I wonder if he sees more than he lets on, because he looks all expectant. Apparently I’m not only a liar, but also a shitty one at that.



Later that night, I’m in my room at home, lying on my bed when my phone beeps with an email. I pick it up, hit the blue square and see her name pop up. Charlotte Gates. I want to rush to open it and delete it at the same time.

It’s the first time she’s contacted me since everything went down last year and she happens to do it on the same day my brother started asking questions about her, digging everything up and making her fight her way to the front of my thoughts again.

I click it to open because there’s no way I can’t. After all this time, I’m curious what she has to say to me.

Nate,

Hey…Hope you’re well. I won’t keep you long because, well, you know, but I just wanted to tell you I’m in New York for two weeks. I thought you’d be proud. Or maybe not, but I want to think you would be. It’s crazy being here and knowing you’re in the same state. I’m in your territory now, not that we ever saw it that way. But yeah, I wanted you to know…and wanted to tell you again that I’m sorry everything went down the way it did…but I stand by what I said that night, it wasn’t what you thought. I didn’t do anything wrong.

I miss you. Hope it’s okay that I said that.

Charlotte

The rest of the day, all I can think about is Charlotte. It pisses me off and I want her out of my mind, but she’s there and I can’t stop running a million questions through my head. Why is she here? How are things at The Village? Is her dad okay? Is she reaching for her stars? Is she with Alec?

That’s when I get even more pissed and tell myself it doesn’t matter if she’s here. An hour away from me.

About ten PM, our parents go to bed and Brandon and I head downstairs to the game room. I beat him in a couple games of pool, the whole time wondering if I should tell him about Charlotte. It’s ridiculous that I get so tied up like this. What I should do is call Marisol. Hit a party with my brother. There are a million different girls out there; too many to let only one of them take up so much space inside me.

I don’t do any of that.

Around three a.m. I pick up my cell and start a new text, with one simple word.

Meet?

Her answer is just easy.

Yes.

Too bad things have never been that simple for us.

It’s time to get some answers.