Four Summers

“Do you think I’ve changed?” I ask Nate one day as we’re going on a hike. It’s not often that guests ask us to take them, but we have a family of five who wanted to go Indian Rock. Dad named it that himself and took pictures of it before I was even born, hanging them up all over the store. It’s become somewhat of an attraction now, the locals and visitors all wanting to see the tall rock up on that mountain that looks like a Native American, headdress and all.

Dad usually took any tours we had up to Indian Rock, but, well, that’s one of the things that has changed. He wanted Alec to go with me, but he had something else to do, so Nate was his only choice.

Both of us were a little shocked.

“Changed like how?” he asks. The family is about ten feet behind us, but not paying much attention to what we’re doing. It’s then I realized we talked about how we were different on our hike last year as well.

“I don’t know. Changed. Like in any way. Every year you come back you’re different in one way or another. Last year you were sadder. This year you’re more like you were the first summer, just…”

“Hotter? Sexier? Impossible to resist?” He grins.

“Conceited?”

He feigns shock, but then reaches for my hand. Two of our fingers link like a chain as we keep walking.

“I was going to just say more grown-up, but I’m rethinking that.”

“Oh, so I’m more manly? Basically the same thing as sexier.” He laughs before pulling me to him, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “I mean, yeah you’ve changed in some ways. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t, but there are some things about you that are always the same.”

“Like what?” I ask him.

“Your honesty. The way you say whatever’s on your mind.”

“Only to you.”

“That’s all that matters.” I pinch his side and he pushes my hand away. “I’m kidding. No pinching, woman. You’re adventurous in a different way than any girl I’ve ever met. You’re comfortable playing football or looking through a telescope and telling me about the stars.” He leans closer to me. “You trust me in a way no one in my life has ever done… Even when I didn’t trust myself to make decisions because of Chrissy. You trusted me. Those things are the same about you, but…I guess it’s like you said about me, you’re more grown-up. Sometimes, I don’t really know how to say what I’m trying to, but it’s like you’re this old soul trapped in a seventeen year old’s body. I think you see the world different than anyone I know, Charlotte Rae Gates.”

I look over at him. “I don’t want to see it differently.”

“Why?” he asks. “It’s one of my favorite things about you. You wanna see and do so much, but you have this kind of nobility or something about you that makes you put all your dreams aside for other people. I couldn’t do that. Not many people could.”

I think that might be the best compliment I’ve ever received. “No one makes me feel like you do,” I tell him.

He looks down at me as we keep walking up the mountain. “You do the same thing to me, Star Girl.”

“I…” Before I can continue, my foot comes down the wrong way on a rock. I fall forward, but Nate catches me. I wonder if one day, I’ll ever be able to catch myself.



“My brother wants to go camping, Charlotte. He told me to ask you if you can hook it up. I think he’s feeling lonely because he’s stuck in his room every night alone.”

Brandon flips Nate off. “Screw you. That has nothing to do with it. I just thought it would be fun, you a*shole.”

Nate laughs, but then he turns to me, looking panicky. “I didn’t mean…not because we’re out or every night or…shit.” Something else seems to hit him. He leans down so his mouth is by my ear and whispers. “I’m an a*shole. I shouldn’t have said it that way because of your sister.”

Because of Sadie leaving. I get it, reaching over, my hand grabs his shirt by his stomach. “No worries. I know what you meant.”

I turn my head, “Brandon, I’m not inviting girls on a camping trip because you’re lonely.”

“That’s not what I meant.” He crosses his arms, looking every bit of the jock-ish, football player he is. “I just thought it would be fun to get out, but I know my brother doesn’t go anywhere without you, so…”

“Would you?” Nate asks, while I say, “You guys can go camping. I don’t have to tag along.”

Now Nate’s attention is on me. “Who said I want to go without you? I’m with him all the time.”

“See!” Brandon adds.

“I used to love camping. Me, Dad, Alec and his dad went a lot when we were younger.”

Nate stiffens at that. “Of course.”

“I don’t like him like that. I never will.” It doesn’t matter to me that Brandon is sitting right there when I say it. All that matters is Nate hearing it and believing it.

“Yeah, she doesn’t like him like that. My baby brother is jealous of Alec.”

“Screw you,” Nate tells him before turning to me. “Camping could be fun.”

Camping could be a blast. But… “The only way I’m going to be able to go is if I go with Alec. And Alec’s probably going to have to talk him into it.” Suddenly all sorts of plans are forming in my mind. Spending the night, the whole night and part of the day up in the mountains with the stars and Nate. I can’t imagine anything more perfect, but…who would help Dad here?

“Your Dad would really let you go camping with Alec? Does he know guys?” Nate asks.

“He trusts him. He’s known Alec his whole life.”

“And he can get your dad to let you go with all of us? We’ll get caught otherwise. There’s no way someone’s not going to realize that Brandon and I are gone, too.” Nate still looks a little tense, but like he’s trying to hide it.

“Dad trusts him,” I say again. “And there’s no promises…I can probably make it look like Danielle and some of the others are going too…” I’m suddenly really glad that I never let Dad see that there was anything more going on with Nate and me.

“We doing this?” Brandon jumps in.

Nate shrugs and I say, “Let's do it.”



“You’re sure you’re not going to be the only girl there, Charlie Rae?” Dad asks for the millionth time. My camping supplies are all sitting by the door, waiting for us to head out.

“Yeah, Dad. We’re meeting up with Danielle and some other friends.” Liar, liar pants on fire. “We just want to do some fishing and sleeping out. Brandon leaves for college soon and he wants to do some different stuff before he goes.”

“You can fish here.”

Yes, yes we can. “But it’s not the same to camp here. I live here! How many times did we used to go? It’s fun to get out like that.”

Dad sighs before sitting on the back of the couch. “I know, kiddo. I get it. And you deserve to have some fun. With…” he closes his eyes and I wonder if he’s trying not to cry. “With your mom and sister leaving, I know that puts a lot more pressure on you.”

He doesn’t mention his MS and I wonder if it’s on purpose. He doesn’t talk to Mom when they call, only Sadie. I don’t really talk to my sister, only Mom. None of us ever discus his MS. I think we all want to pretend it’s not true.

“You know how much I need you, Charlie, but I want you to have fun too. That’s why I’m letting you go. You work so hard, kiddo.”

You know how much I need you.

I know more than I wish I did. “I know, Dad. I want to be here for you.”

He nods and then I hear Alec’s voice outside.

“I better go. You’ll have help here, right?”

Alec’s parents are helping while we’re gone. I know that, but have to ask anyway.

“I’ll be okay. You just have fun.”

Dad follows me outside and walks almost to the truck with me, but stops at Alec.

“Take care of her, son.” He touches Alec’s shoulder. “I’m trusting you.”

My eyes lock with Nate’s. His face says everything I need to know. He heard. And it hurt him.

“Absolutely. You know I’d do anything for Charlie,” Alec tells him, as Nate climbs in the back of the truck with his brother.



Alec drives up to the area we used to go to when we were kids, which is about forty-five minutes away. The back of the truck is packed with tons of fishing stuff, a football (of course), along with the rest of our supplies, which includes four tents; one for me and then one for each boy, because they’re guys and apparently that means they can’t sleep next to each other.

We park in this little turn out and then walk a trail to look for our spot. All our hands are full and packs on our backs until we find the perfect spot nestled between a large group of trees. It’s perfect because it’s secluded, hidden away, but not too far from the water.

Somehow all my stuff gets tangled together as I’m trying to get my backpack off. I’m about to scream when Nate walks up to me and says, “I got it.”

They’re the first words he’s spoken to me since before we left. He screws around with the fishing pole before getting it untangled and leaning it against a tree.

“You’re free now,” he says at the exact moment I'm blurting, “I’m sorry about my dad.”

Nate hooks his finger in one the belt loops on my jeans. “It’s not your fault, and I’m being a prick about it. It just…it f*cking sucks, honestly. Remember when we talked about Monica and Hailey? It’s like…”

He steps closer to me, wrapping his arms around my neck and resting his chin on my head. “Imagine seeing one of them with me every day. My parents raving about her. I know I’m going to leave and you’ll still be here with him and that your lives are tied together in this way I’ll never be able to have with you. That if some a*shole hurts you, he’ll get to be the one to protect you. And then I feel like shit for thinking all of that because he’s your best friend. You’ve known him a whole hell of a lot longer than me.”

He pauses and I slide my arms around him. Fist my hands in his shirt and wish everything he said wasn’t true. That he wouldn’t have to leave or that I could go. That we could have more than just our summers. I try to tell him with the way I’m holding him that I feel like that, too.

“So, yeah…that’s where my head’s at, and like I said, it just really f*cking sucks.”

“I want it to be you. I’ll always want it to be you.”

Nate pulls back, and for the first time there’s insecurity in his face. Doubt, which is something I never expected to see from him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…I—”

“Come on, you guys!” Brandon steps up to us. “Do that shit later. Let’s get camp set up.”

The moment is broken. Nate and I pull away from each other, and get to work.





We set up the tents and pack the food away so it won’t lure the bears. Brandon and Alec decide they want to go fishing so we get all the gear ready. I slip into my tent to change, putting on the new yellow bikini that I’m determined to wear today. Without a shirt over it. I don’t want to be one of those girls who hides who she is. I want to be proud, because I’m me and I don’t want to think there’s anything wrong with that.

Still…I put on a pair of cut off shorts, because walking around in a bikini, especially if we’re going to be fishing, just isn’t my style.

Nate is standing by his brother and Alec when I climb out. The guys are already in their shorts and of course none of them are wearing shirts. I might be the luckiest girl on the planet right now, because all three of them are gorgeous. Nate and Brandon with their dark hair and strong builds. Alec sunny and blond, but just as muscular as the other two.

“Hey.” The corner of Nate’s mouth pulls up in a grin when he sees me. He walks over and in that second, I decide not to hold anything back on this camping trip. I lean up and kiss his lips.

“Perfect,” he says into my hair, before we pull away.

Alec shakes his head, but then Brandon says, “Dude, cut them some slack.” Obviously pissed, Alec heads toward the water. Brandon follows behind him and then Nate and I take up the rear.

It’s even prettier up here than it is at The Village. Mountains surround us with the water sparkling in the middle of it. I set up the chairs while Brandon and Alec screw around with their poles, laughing over something in a way that only boys do.

“Do you want to fish or go swimming with me?” Nate asks. There’s no question about what my answer will be. After unbuttoning and unzipping my shorts, I step out of them. Turning to walk toward the water, I’m suddenly swooped off the ground and Nate is running with me in his arms.

“You’re going to piss off the fish!” Brandon yells.

“Go somewhere else then!” Nate isn't even looking at him as he wades into the water with me in his arms.

We spend what feels like forever and also two seconds at the same time, splashing around in the water. Nate dunks my head and I wrap arms around his neck and realize that’s kind of our thing.

When we are tired of holding ourselves up, Nate runs to the shore and grabs an inner tube. Brandon and Alec have moved out of sight, giving us the space I want and keeping their precious fish calm.

When Nate gets back to me, we lie down together in the tube and float along the water.

“You and Brandon are closer than you used to be, aren’t you?”

“Yeah…kind of. I’m mean, we’ve never really been that close. Even now. Why?” His hand splays out across my stomach.

“Because he told Alec to chill out earlier and they’re not on top of us right now.”

Nate shrugs. “I guess I’ve talked to him more about you this summer. He knows I like you, and I guess he gets it.”

Rolling over, I lie with my stomach on his. My cheek on his chest, while his hands do the same thing to my back that they just did on my belly. “Are you still playing baseball your senior year?” I ask. He’d mentioned before that he wasn’t sure if he would.

“That came out of the blue.”

“I want to make sure I know everything about you.”

So we talk. He tells me that he is playing ball because he figures he might as well continue what he started. We talk about classes and he asks when was the last time I talked to Mom and Sadie. “A couple days ago,” I tell him. “They call about once a week.”

We talk about stupid things like our favorite drinks and he tells me about the time he did two keg-stands at a house party and how it’s the only time he’s ever thrown up while drinking.

We talk about my dad, and Nate's parents and how he never would have thought he’d miss Brandon, but he’s kind of bummed his brother is leaving for school. It’s like any other conversation we’ve had. It’s everything and nothing out of the ordinary too.

Suddenly, water comes splashing at us. I don’t know how we didn’t hear Alec and Brandon approaching. Nate rolls with me and we’re off the inner tube sending water right back at them. It’s the first time the four of us have really hung out like this.

Soon, the water fight is over and we’re heading back to shore.

Nate and I decide we want to fish, but Brandon says he’s tired and wants to go back to camp for a nap. Alec looks unsure at what to do.

“It’s cool. You can chill with us if you wanna,” Nate tells him, which I know isn’t easy for him to say.

Brandon shakes his head. “How in the hell am I supposed to find my way back then? I didn’t grow up out here like you guys.”

“Idiot,” Nate laughs and even Alec joins in.

“I’ll help you,” Alec says.

When the two of them are gone, Nate and I each sit in the chairs, side-by-side, with our poles in the water.

He’s looking out at the lake, as am I. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see him turn and stare at me…forever.

“I wanna be with you,” Nate blurts out. His voice sounds a little huskier than usual, but still strong. Firm.

“What?” I thought we were already pretty much together.

“I want to be with you. I know it’s stupid, but I think we should do it. We should give it a try, Star Girl. We’ll talk every day and I know it’ll suck and it’ll be hard as hell, but how will we know if we don’t try?”

My heart is beating a million miles per hour. My eyes sting, but at the same time a smile stretches across my face. “Really? How…I mean.”

“We talked all year, and we weren’t together. We’ll do it when we are.”

Little blips of our conversation from earlier filters in. “Is this because of Alec? I don’t want—”

I actually see Nate’s defenses go up.

“I don’t give a shit about Alec. This has to do with you and me. What do we have to lose? We’re both pretty friggin' miserable when we’re not together.”

I don’t want to talk him out of it, but he needs to know the magnitude of what he’s saying. “We’ll never see each other. It’s not fair… It’s your senior year. You’ll want to date and go to prom and…”

He shrugs. “Who cares? I want you, Charlotte. You. I’ll be eighteen in October. I have money saved and can get plane tickets. I’ll come see you. F*ck, I don’t know if it’ll work. I just know I wanna be with you. I don’t want to say goodbye like we do every year, ya know? Maybe I’m not supposed to admit stuff like that—”

“You are,” I tell him. “You so totally are.”

This makes him laugh and I love it. It’s impossible not to join in with the deep, throaty sound. Him being happy makes me happy and I know I’m one of the lucky ones because I feel it in the way he treats me. I know I make him feel the same way.

“I want to be with you, too. But what about college?”

He rolls his eyes at me as though I’m being crazy. “It’s a year away. Stop trying to fast forward to the future. We can apply to some of the same schools, just in case. You never know what can happen. Hell, even if it’s just pretend, let’s do it.

I don’t let myself think. Don’t want to think about all the ways this can go wrong or how it will kill me if we somehow make this work for a whole year and then I lose him. But he’s right. Or maybe I just want to pretend he is. If we don’t give it a shot I’ll always wonder—and always regret not having tried. The only thing I know is I’m opening my mouth and letting the word, “yes,” jump free.

I smile and look over at him, little water droplets on his skin and his dark hair wet. Nate leans toward me. “Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Then he kisses me, his tongue stroking me slowly, and it’s the best, most amazing kiss he’s ever given me. Maybe better than any kiss in the world.

When he pulls back he touches my hair and I know it’s all messy and stringy from being wet, but I don’t care.

“Holy shit, we’re sappy. Maybe I should throw you over my shoulder or something to show you how manly I really am.”

I push at him. “Oh my God! That doesn’t make you manly, and why do boys care so much if they sound sappy once in a while? Ugh.” I get up, pretending to walk away, but he hooks his arms around my waist and pulls me to his lap.

“I’ll be sappy with you, Star Girl. No one knows me like you do.”

Later, I’ll realize I should have told him I love him. That moment would have been the perfect chance, but unlike the first time I saw him, I didn’t realize this was one of my moments.

Instead I sit here while we finish fishing. Once we’re done we go back to camp and hang out with Brandon and Alec. We cook dinner on the fire and roast marshmallows, doing all those things you’re supposed to do while camping.

When it’s time for bed, I don’t bother with going into my tent. I climb right into Nate’s with him and we spend half the night kissing, touching and exploring before we fall asleep in each other’s arms.

And for once, everything feels perfect. I can forget Dad has MS, and Mom and Sadie are gone. That Dad needs me and Alec wants me to stay here with him and that in less than a month, Nate will be leaving.

We’re together. We’re going to stay together. For now, I’m focusing on that.





Each day seems to go by faster and faster. It’s always in the back of my mind, and it makes my stomach ache, but not with the same ferocity it could have. It’s different knowing we both want to make a go at this. Even though we’re young and everyone would tell us it’s stupid, we care about each other enough to try.

I think Dad knows something is going on with us, but I don't even let that bother me. Nate works with us almost every day and even though you can tell it about kills Dad sometimes, he appreciates it.

Even Alec is being okay. I don’t know if it was because they got along well on the camping trip or what. It’s not like they’ll ever be super good friends or anything. That much is obvious, but they don't look like they want to murder each other half the time.

For once, everything feels okay. Like maybe if you want something enough or you earn it enough, maybe you can get the things you want.

Not that I think I’ll be with Nate forever. We’ve talked about schools to apply to and wondered what it would be like, but I don’t know if I really believe that will ever happen. Dad is still sick. Sadie and Mom are still gone. And I’m still needed here.

It’s a slow day around The Village. It gets like that toward the end of the summer sometimes. People leave early or they stay in and relax more. Dad gave Alec the day off, and him, Nate, and I are working on the back deck of one of the empty cabins. Some of the boards are rotting out so we have to replace half of it and then stain it. Luckily it’s not too big.

“Can I get your hand over here for a minute, Nate?” Dad asks him and I can’t help but look up from where I’m working to watch them. They’re working together the same way he would have with Alec and it makes fizzy hope bubble over inside me.

What if things could really work out? What if they aren’t as hopeless as I always thought they were?

“Shit. Be careful. You almost got my thumb.” Dad laughs and shakes his head playfully at Nate. “You haven’t let Charlie teach you how to use a hammer, have you? She’s made me lose a nail and lost one herself, getting a little over anxious.”

Nate glances at me, his face full of mischief. “No, but those definitely sound like stories I’d like to hear.”

“Dad! Don’t,” I yell which of course makes him launch into the story. Even though I pretend it bothers me, it doesn’t. It’s cool seeing them converse and hear Dad talking about the past. We have so many memories together and I’m lucky, so lucky, that he’s taught me all the things he has. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am without him.

After teasing from Nate, we get back to work again. It’s not long later when Dad says, “I’ll be right back. I need to stand up for a few minutes.”

My eyes immediately dart to him as I watch him struggle slightly to stand. It might not be obvious to everyone, but it is to me. I flinch as Dad pushes up and the second he’s to his feet, I want to die. I know it’s nothing, nothing compared to how he must feel.

My eyes fill with tears as the wet spot in the font of his pants grows.

Nate turns away, picks up a tool and I know he’s pretending not to notice that my dad lost control of his bladder. They said things like this could happen, but hearing it and seeing it are two different things.

Without a word, Dad drops his tool belt to the deck and walks away.

Nate is to me before right as the first tears rolls off my face and hits the deck. “Shh. Come here. It’s okay. I got you.”

Climbing onto his lap, I wrap my arms around his him, bury my face into his neck and give into my cries. Nate just holds me, rubs my back and tells me it will be okay. That he’s sorry, but all I can think is that my dad, the big, strong man who’s run The Village since he was twenty years old, the one who built a fort with me and taught me to fish and play football and drive a boat, just peed his pants when he stood up.



My legs shake as I walk into the house a little while later. Seeing Dad right now is the last thing I want to do. Maybe that’s not what I should be thinking, but I am and it’s not just because of me. It’s for him. After what just happened, I know he wishes he’d never have to see Nate or me again.

But I also can’t walk away. It’s not right and no matter how hard it is, I have to try and show him that it’s okay. That nothing has changed.

Yeah right.

“Hey,” Dad says, changed into a fresh pair of clothes. “You might want to get changed. We’re leaving soon.”

Confusion pushes words out of my mouth, “Where are we going?”

“Randy and Maggie.”

Huh? I have no idea why we’d be going to Alec’s all of a sudden. “Okay…when will we be back?”

“Who knows, Charlie? Do you have plans I don’t know about?”

Every night. “No. Let me go take a shower. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

After grabbing my clothes, I lock myself in the bathroom and text Nate.

Don’t know if I’ll be able to make it out 2night. Dad suddenly wants to go to Alec’s.

Everything cool? He asks almost immediately.

Think so. We used to go there a lot. Maybe he just misses old times?

This time it takes a minute for him to reply. K. See ya 2morrow. Let me know if u need anything.

Thx

Nate doesn’t reply after that. I wonder if he’s mad, but I don’t know what he would expect me to do. I have to go with Dad.

My shower is over quickly and before I know it we’re in the truck heading over to Alec’s. I don’t ask him about The Village—who he has working it or if he just closed it down early for tonight. None of those things really matter.

Alec and his family live in a small house about two miles from us. The short drive doesn’t give us time to talk, and honestly, I’m not sure if I want to.

Dad knocks, but doesn't wait for an answer before pushing their front door open.

“We’re out back!” Maggie yells, so we weave our way through their house to the deck where Randy stands in front of the grill while Alec and his mom sit at their picnic table. It’s like déjà vu to so many other evenings of my life that for a second, I actually feel like I’ve been transported back in time.

Sadie and Mom’s empty seats jerk me right back to the present.

“Charlie Rae! It’s been much too long since you came to visit.” Maggie hugs me. Yes, we see each other at least a few times a week because she helps at The Village, but she’s right. I haven’t been to Alec’s house all summer.

“Hey, kiddo,” Randy says.

“Hi.” My reply was means for them both.

“What’s up?” Alec asks when I sit down by him. Our parents are all on the other side of the deck by the grill now.

“Hey.”

“Surprised you could make it away from your extension tonight.” It’s the first smart aleck comment he’s made about Nate since the campout.

“First of all, screw you. I hate it when you’re a jerk for no reason. Second,” and now I lower my voice, “Dad peed his pants in front of me today, so excuse me if I’m not in the mood to fight with you.”

Alec’s facial expression goes hard. Not angry, but…upset? “Shit. I’m sorry, Charlie.”

I shrug. “It is what it is.”

Reaching over, he gives me a hug. For a few seconds, I let myself be comforted from my oldest friend.

Soon we’re all eating dinner together outside. Dad is laughing with Alec’s parents like nothing happened. From dinner we go into card games and it isn't long before I’m laughing, too. It’s so easy, the time we spend together. Like second nature. I know his family as well as my own. His dad has always been a little more standoffish. Not rude, but he’s just one of those silent, manly types who make people nervous, but still, I know he’s a good guy. I know he cares about my family. For a second, I think about how much easier it would be if I loved Alec the way I do Nate.

Holy shit.

I have Dad in my sights now. Is that why we’re here? Is he trying to manipulate me?

“Wanna go inside for a while?” Alec asks as though I’m not having an internal breakdown here. Without a reply I push to my feet, knowing if I stay out here, I’m not going to be able to keep my mouth shut. As much as the words want to come out, I don’t want to do that in front of Alec and his family.

As soon as we get into Alec’s room, I fall into the chair by his desk and he sits on the bed.

“Can’t believe summer’s almost over,” he says.

“Yep.”

“We’re seniors next year.”

“Uh huh.” The short answers are about all I can manage right now.

“Wanna run away with me and have all my babies?”

“Sure.” As soon as I reply, I realize my mistake. “Alec!”

“It’s your fault. What? You can’t talk to me anymore?”

My instinct is to yell at him, but there’s a genuine sadness to his words. That little bit of vulnerability that Alec doesn’t often show. “I just have a lot going on right now. It’s not you, and you know it.”

He nods, because no matter what, he really does.

“It’s crazy how much things can change sometimes, isn’t it? I mean…everything. It’s like you expect your life to go a certain way and then you get thrown this huge curveball—”

“Baseball metaphors? You’re inner football player must be pissed.”

“I’m serious, Charlie. I never would have expected someone to come between us. I just…always thought no matter what, there would always be certain things I’d know. You are one of those things. I never expected that to change…”

In that moment, I see someone different in Alec than I’ve ever seen before. It’s hard for me to even say what it is; I just know it’s not the Alec I thought I knew my whole life. For the first time, it's out in the open, that the future we both thought we would fall into won’t come to pass.

“You are and will always be my best friend, Alec. Please tell me you know that.” Getting up, I walk over and sit next to him.

“Yeah?” he asks.

“Absolutely. Nate or no one else will ever change that. I’d do anything for you.”

Alec pulls me into a hug. “I’ve got…there are some things going on with me too.”

I cock my head and look at him. “What is it? Your dad?”

“Yes and no. Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“I’m here when you’re ready.”

He sighs. “I know. I love you, Charlie. You’re a good friend.”

Bruises cover my heart, as everything seems to drain out of me. “I love you too.”

I knew nothing could stay perfect for long.



The truck is silent except for the rumble of the engine as Dad and I bump down the road.

“I’m sorry about today,” he says, after what feels like an eternity.

Which part? I wonder. The thing on the deck or trying to manipulate me. “Why did we go to Maggie and Randy’s tonight, Dad?”

“They’re our friends—”

“Who we haven’t visited forever. Why tonight?”

Dad sighs. “Look, Charlie. I’m tired and I’ve had a long day. If you have something to say to me, you need to just say it.”

“Fine!” I cross my arms. “Did you bring me to Alec’s to pressure me into wanting to stay? To remind me what I have here and…” To make me feel guilty for wanting to leave him. Or maybe not that. He has no reason to know I want to leave, but he doesn’t like how things are between Nate and me. Maybe that scares him.

To my surprise, Dad whips the car over to the side of the road and turns on the interior light.

“No matter what, I’m still your father and I don’t appreciate you accusing me of something like that. We went to see them because I needed it. Jesus Christ, Charlie! I pissed my pants in front of you and that kid tonight! Did you ever think how that made me feel? Maybe I just wanted a distraction. I’ve lost my wife, my daughter, and the ability to work all in the past year, and now I can’t even control my God damned bladder!”

Dad’s open hands slam down on the steering wheel. Tears are running down my face. I’ve never seen him get angry like this. Never heard so much pain in his voice. I feel guilty for assuming this night was about me.

“I wanted to forget and try to make myself believe things were like they used to be. Christ, I miss her. I miss them both so much, kid. I should have known. She never wanted a life here, but I thought I could make her happy. I assumed that after she left and came back to me—”

“What?” I cut him off. “When did Mom leave?”

He looks at me, his eyes as red as they were when Mom told him she and Sadie were leaving. “She was young…nineteen. I knew I loved her, even then. She left with some kid she met one summer. Two months she was gone before he broke her heart by being with another woman, and I healed it for her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. I loved her in a way he never could have. So yes, maybe I did subconsciously bring you to Alec’s tonight partially for that reason. You look at Nate the way your mom used to look at him. I’ll be damned before I let him hurt you the same why she was hurt.”

Light off.

Truck started.

Dad pulls back onto the road and starts to drive away.

My heart is too heavy and my mind too full to say anything. But there’s one thing I do know: I’m not my mom, and Nate would never hurt me like that.