“You think she’ll want you?”
“Why’d you say it like that? No qualifications and working for my dad, I’m a fuckin’ catch!” I couldn’t keep the sarcasm from my voice. Now I knew I wasn’t going to be many people’s first choice but I would do whatever it took to make Tegan happy.
He rolled his eyes. “You know I didn’t mean anything by it. If you two are meant to be you’ll find each other. I just worry about you putting everything into this when she’s with Lucas and you don’t know if she’ll be single anytime soon.”
I wanted to either ban his name or get everyone around me to refer to him as ‘Pukas’. He made me feel sick. But I should probably exercise a little more maturity than that.
“Maybe they’ll work out and if he truly makes her happy I’ll be happy for her. But I remember when you don’t know how you feel or who you really are anymore. I wouldn’t wanna be the guy coming into a relationship with someone that felt that way. What you want when you find yourself again isn’t always what you thought you wanted when you were… elsewhere.”
Dad sighed. “I’m sorry, Kai.”
“What for?”
“You’re very much in love with her.”
“You’re sorry for that because?”
“Because it might not work out the way you want it to.”
“Life has a habit of doing that. Whatever happens, I’ll be alright.”
I’d never make the first move, so she either realised Lucas wasn’t for her and I was or I stayed the friend. As long as I could be one of those to her I’d be fine.
“I hope so, and you know, I don’t think there’s just one person out there for you anyway.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Never let Mum hear you say that.”
He cracked a smile then added, “I’m serious. Millions of people move on or lose someone they love and find another. You’ve probably got the one in every county.”
“Definitely don’t tell her that.”
“Son, I’ve not made it this far without having an in-front-of-Mum filter.”
“You went back to Mum, how can you believe your one in every county theory.”
He shrugged. “I’ve only lived in this one.”
“Touché. I get what you mean, though. I’m young and ridiculously good looking, plenty fish in the sea.”
“Hmm. You know you’re playing this too cool and casual?”
“Whadda you want from me?”
“The truth,” he said.
“Fine. I won’t be perfectly alright. It’d suck and I’d hate every second of watching her with him ten times more than I already do, but there’s nothing I can do but wait it out and hope she’ll realise we should be together. Happy?”
“Happy you’re being honest, yes.”
Sighing, I leant back in the seat and closed my eyes. “I want to be the one with her right now, holding her and telling her that if she ever did anything so fucking stupid again I’d kick her arse.”
I was angry, fucking angry. Isaac lost his life and Tegan almost threw hers away by choice, but I understood what it was like to be in such a dark and desperate place that you didn’t know if there was even a way out.
“I want to be the one that makes it better and I know right now Lucas isn’t even doing that. He’s masking it and it was bound to blow up eventually - again. I want to be with her so fucking bad, but I want it to work.” I sat up. “What happened to me?”
Dad laughed.
“No, seriously? God, I’m annoying myself. I’m such a sappy twat. How have you not punched me by now?”
“You’re in love.”
“So? If I start sounding like Romeo again, kick me.”
He shook his head, sighing. “Suck it up, son. Even the most macho of men turn a little soft for the one they love.”
“Not saying I’m macho, just not like a little girl.”
“You never consider telling her how you feel? Maybe if she knew…”
“No,” I replied. “She doesn’t need that. I won’t be the one who screws things up even more and I won’t risk her telling me to do one. If we happen I want to know it’s because she wants it and not because I’ve messed with her head and made her question everything.”
“But you want her to think you should be together.”
“No, I want her to know we should.” There was a massive difference. “I want her to know we’re meant to be together when she’s thinking clearly. I don’t want any confusion in her mind when and if she makes a choice.”
“What if she’s too lost to see it? Some people need a nudge.”
I shook my head. “She lost until she deals with her dad’s death and allows herself to grieve. After that I’ll just see what happens. I won’t screw anything up for her.”
“And if she goes ahead thinking all you want is friendship and things with Lucas go well.”
My chest ached.