Eating when seven people were ‘discretely’ watching you was horrible. All eyes on me all the time was suffocating and it was completely my fault.
I ate quickly, finishing just after Lucas and excused myself to my room. Of course I wasn’t alone though, Luke followed. We watched TV but didn’t really watch it and fell asleep early.
I woke up just before seven, starving and thirsty. A decent night’s sleep had done wonders for me and I felt almost human again. I needed food. Creeping out of my room so I didn’t wake Lucas, I went down to the kitchen to make some toast.
“Hi,” Ava said as I almost bumped into her. She flicked the kettle on and held a mug out, asking if I wanted one.
“No, thanks, I’ll just have water.”
“You hungry?”
“Starving. I’m making toast, want some?”
For the first time since Dad died we were having a relatively normal conversation where I didn’t give her a load of attitude and she didn’t look at me like an alien had taken over my body.
“I’ve just had cereal, thanks. How come you’re awake so early on a Sunday?”
Shrugging one shoulder, I popped a slice of bread in the toaster. “Eleven hours sleep probably.”
“Lucas still up there?”
“Yeah, he’ll probably be out of it for another couple hours at least.”
“How’re you feeling really? No more sickness? What about your arm?”
“Sickness has gone and arm is okay.” It was better since I redressed the bandage and took painkillers. I pulled on the sleeve of my top even though it more than covered my wrist.
I stayed in the kitchen with Ava for a little while and although she watched me like a hawk it was the most time we’d spent together in a long time that we weren’t arguing.
An hour later and everyone else started getting up. Mum was immediately fussing over me, asking if I was comfortable, felt sick, felt unhappy, was hungry, was thirsty, or wanted to talk. I wanted an hour where we could be relatively normal and no one was watching for pills in my hands.
“Mum, I’m fine, honestly. I am feeling hungry again though, are you still cooking breakfast?” I wasn’t hungry at all but we both needed her to focus on something else for a while.
Lucas and Jake finally came downstairs last just in time to drink their first round of coffee before the food would be ready. Luke pulled his chair closer to mine and sat down.
“Hey,” he said, pouring a mug of coffee from the pot.
Tapping the tips of my fingers on my own mug, I replied, “Hey.”
“How long have you been up?”
“A couple hours.”
“You should’ve woken me.”
I shouldn’t be pissed off but I was. He’d never asked me to wake him before. “Why’d I do that? I often wake up first.” Even I knew I sounded a little more defensive than was necessary.
His mouth thinned and he busied himself making his drink. Though he didn’t reply he knew exactly what I was getting at and that I was right.
I ate a small second breakfast, trying to bat questions back and take the heat away from me. I was getting better at it. Once I’d finished eating I attempted to have a shower but Lucas followed me upstairs.
“Luke, I won’t be long, you don’t have to wait in my room for me.”
He smiled. “I know but I want to.”
Want was the wrong word. He felt like he had to in case I tried something stupid again. “I won’t do it again.”
“I know.”
“Then please go downstairs with everyone else like you usually do and I’ll be down in ten minutes.”
He sat on my bed, considering it while I collected a change of clothes.
Sighing, he replied, “Fine. I’ll be downstairs.” He left my room in a strop and I really didn’t have the energy to worry about it right now. He needed to be away from me for longer than five seconds, too.
Carrying my clothes and a towel into the bathroom, I locked the door and closed my eyes. I finally felt relief that I was alone for a little while.
The stress and shame washed down the drain with the water and I felt ten times better. There was an undertone of lemon in the bathroom as I’d imagine Mum scrubbed it pretty hard all week after my wrist had bled on the floor.
I’d just turned the water off and wrapped my body in a towel when someone knocked on the door. “Tegan, are you okay?” Lucas asked.
“I’m fine, Luke.” I’d not even had ten minutes yet.
“Can I come in?”
“I’m just getting ready.” I scrubbed the towel over my body, being careful to avoid my wrist. The hot water and steamy air made the cut sting. Through the door I heard my phone ringing. “Can you get my phone, please, Luke? I’ll be out in a second,” I said, pulling my clothes on quickly.
He didn’t respond but I heard him talking on the phone to someone. I opened the door and he walked over to me, holding the phone out. “Guess,” he whispered sarcastically and turned around.
I looked at the screen and said, “Hey, Kai.” Lucas sat on my bed staring at the floor.
“Hey. Why’re you so cheerful?” I asked, sitting down on the bed but not getting too close to Lucas.