“I’m fine, Mum, thanks.” My stomach still felt dodgy and I didn’t want to eat much beyond toast.
She smiled weakly and sat down beside me. I laid my head on Luke’s shoulder and he put his hand on my knee. He’d not left my side since I came home and neither had Mum or Ava. I was being watched twenty-four-seven. It was exhausting to pretend I was okay when I wasn’t.
The atmosphere was tense. No one could relax and it made me feel worse. I could see the panic in Mum’s eyes every time I went to the bathroom. I wasn’t going to do it again, it was stupid, so stupid, but I had no idea how to convince everyone else that I wouldn’t. Time was the key. I knew time healed a lot but it moved too slowly for me. When you were desperately willing for months to pass so you wouldn’t feel so bad months seemed to take years. Time sucked.
I kept my eyes on the TV, trying to ignore Lucas and Mum having a silent conversation about me. I shuffled, trying to show them that I was still in the room. I’d prefer if they just came out and said whatever was on their mind.
With the tenth ‘discrete’ look between them, I’d finally had enough. Standing up, I said, “I’m going up to have a nap.”
“I’ll come with you.” Lucas stood, too. I was about to argue but I could see that he’d made his mind up, he was coming with me.
“Okay,” I replied, smiling even though all I wanted to do was scream and plead with them to give me half an hour where I could have some space.
We walked up to my room in silence and lay down on my bed. “You okay?” I pressed my lips to his, not wanting to answer that question again. His kiss was softer than usual and almost too gentle. The passion was gone completely. Even when we just had a quick kiss there had always been something there. This time I didn’t want to deepen it, didn’t want to run my hands through his hair or wrap my legs around his waist.
I eventually gave up and pulled away. He wasn’t into it and neither was I. Sighing, I curled up into his side until I fell asleep.
I woke up an hour later feeling only slightly better. Lucas was staring down at me and I really hoped he hadn’t been awake and watching me the whole time. How much trouble could I get into while I was asleep?
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey, shorty. You feeling okay?”
“Yeah.” The sick feeling in my stomach was almost gone. My wrist was another matter though, it still stung like a bitch and if I knocked it I wanted to punch someone. It wasn’t even a huge cut so it shouldn’t hurt as much as it did.
“Honey,” Mum said, knocking on the open door. I sat up and waved my hand for her to come in. “I’ve just been speaking to Melanie and your session is at five-thirty tomorrow. Is that okay?”
I nodded, playing with my fingers so I wouldn’t have to look into her eyes.
“Do you want to come down for dinner? I think you should try eating.”
“Sure,” I said, biting my lip. But I knew I’d just end up eating something plain and dry rather than a proper dinner.
Lucas’s family turned to look at me as I walked into the kitchen. They were over again. It seemed like they were always here now and I knew that it was because they were desperate to pay us back. Their support was nice and I knew Mum loved having someone she could rely on but it was hard to see Carl so much.
I avoided him completely as I sat down. He was okay now, or as okay as he could be since his life expectancy was lowered. He made me feel horrible and selfish. I probably had every reason to feel that way but I didn’t take those pills to hurt anyone.
Laid out on the table were about six different dishes: salads, pasta, steak, chicken, and chips. I took a plate and put a little pasta on it. There was no way I was even attempting any kind of meat. The sick feeling may have subsided but I still felt delicate and I couldn’t handle anything heavy.
“So, what are you two planning on doing for the next two weeks?” Emily asked me and her son.
Lucas shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. What do you want to do, Tegan?”
“Don’t mind,” I replied. No doubt it wouldn’t be what I wanted to do. He didn’t look at me in that way anymore. I appreciated it was a bit too soon for things to heat up but I was scared that he didn’t want me anymore and was waiting until I was emotionally stronger to break up with me. All I wanted was for him to show me that we’d be okay, too.
Carl popped a pill in his mouth and took a swig of water. He was so much stronger now compared to when I first met him. I was glad that he was doing well and deep down, although I was still mad at my dad, I was proud of him for giving other people a chance at life.
“You okay, Tegan?” Ava asked. Smiling, I nodded and attempted to eat another mouthful of pasta.