“You okay?” he asked when I removed myself from his lips and his lap. His hand had just started traveling up my top and I wasn’t convinced that I wanted it there. I wasn’t completely convinced that I didn’t either.
“I’m fine,” I said. “This is just a little soon for me.” I was aware of how ridiculous that sounded coming from me, but if we wanted this to be anything more than a shag we were going to have to not get naked.
“Okay. I can wait, you know? I don’t expect sex, Tegan. Hell, I didn’t even expect you to tell me you wanna give this a try.”
I nodded, biting my lip. Having a sex conversation with a guy was weird. Usually there would be no questioning or asking, we’d just do it and then I’d go on my merry way, pretending everything was still fine.
We fell asleep watching TV and when I woke it was almost midday. Lucas smiled like he’d won the lottery. Clearly he saw something in me that wasn’t there.
“You want to go get some lunch?” I asked, stretching my muscles out.
“Definitely, I’m starving.”
I was so glad he didn’t push it or ask more questions because I was already sick of people asking me to explain every single thing I did or felt.
Lucas followed me off the bed and downstairs. I gave him a chaste kiss before going into the kitchen. “You can do that whenever you want, you know, shorty?”
Oh, no. Spinning around, I put my hands on my hips and raised my eyebrow. A little dramatic but the situation called for it. “I am not short.”
He laughed, throwing his head back. “You had to stand on your toes to kiss me.”
“Whatever.” I turned and walked off. I was average size, maybe a little shorter. Anyway, he was giant-tall. Or maybe just six foot.
We joined my family and his for sandwiches and cake. No one mentioned last night or the fact that Lucas slept in my room. It did mean they’d guessed we were together. Mum looked happy, like she thought this was the answer to all my problems. I hoped it was.
“So, are we watching football while the girls are shopping?” Carl asked. I had to look away. That was something my dad would’ve asked my uncle, and had done, when they’d all come to visit.
According to Mum and Ava I should feel a sense of closeness to Carl. After all, he shared something with the guy we all loved like crazy. I didn’t feel close to him. I felt like I wanted to run every time I saw him.
“Yeah, after we’re all meeting at the pub for dinner,” Jake replied, handing his dad a glass of water Ava passed him.
I tried to ignore Carl swallowing a bunch of pills. I didn’t know exactly what they all did, because I was too scared to ask, but I knew basically they were keeping him alive.
And then I registered what the plans for the day were. Shopping with Mum, Ava, Emily and Grace. No. Not only were Mum and Ava like bloody besties but also they’d both formed pretty strong friendships with Emily and Grace. I wasn’t sure who I wanted to spend the day with less.
“Are you looking forward to it, Tegan?” Grace asked.
No. “Sure,” I replied.
Lucas’s siblings tolerated me. I could tell that they had major reservations about Lucas being anywhere near me. Not that I blamed them. Still made it a bit awkward, though.
“Actually, I might go with the guys and watch football.” Gender stereotypes could fuck off. I’d rather sit in a bar and watch men run around in shorts than go shopping with four women who would undoubtedly have a better time if I wasn’t there.
Ava frowned and sat down, grabbing a sandwich. “You can’t invade their man time, Tegan.”
“I don’t mind,” Lucas said as he put his arm round me. Well, that confirmed us then.
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I bet you don’t. But what about Jake and Carl?”
Jake shrugged. He minded. Carl said, “I don’t mind at all.” I was pretty sure that Carl only liked me because he felt he had to.
“See,” I said.
“Okay, fine. I’m sure we’ll find some time to talk later.”
“I’m sure she will,” I said sarcastically.
Like she wanted to talk. Recently all of our ‘conversations’ had looked a lot like lectures. Miss Perfect didn’t like how I was handling things. Well, I didn’t like how she handled my handling things so we were both shit out there.
After lunch, I went to get ready but ended up in the music room, staring at the piano. I missed Dad so much. When the hell would the part where it got better happen? I felt like I was barely holding on the whole time. Not letting it wash over me was constant and exhausting. So many times I’d given myself permission to let it in and go through what Mum and Ava went through – were going through. But I was too scared of feeling how I felt the night he died. I would do anything to avoid hurting that much again.
I felt Lucas’s arms round my waist and he pulled me against his chest. Focusing on him, I turned round and slipped my hands in his.
“You know I’ve never been to his grave. Do you think he’d be upset?”