Time stood still as I gingerly took steps closer. For the second time today I felt my hands shake.
Taking an uneven breath, I found the courage to reach out and glide my hand over the top. It even felt different. It was just a piano, why was it so hard?
I sat down on the bench and raised my trembling fingers over the keys. His aftershave was definitely still in here. I tried to ignore it. Even though I knew he was gone it gave me false hope that he’d walk through the door any minute.
Without any thinking or planning I started playing his favourite song. The music flowed through my mind, my voice changing to his in my head. I imagined him sitting at the piano, gracefully touching the keys and singing happily.
When I finished the last note I opened my eyes, half expecting him to be there. He wasn’t though, of course. Something dropped onto my lap. A tear. Raising my hand to my cheek, I felt the dampness.
A strong hand touched my shoulder and I knew it was Lucas. I squeezed my eyes shut and lost the battle for the first time since Dad’s funeral. I couldn’t stop it. A tidal wave of ugly, raw emotion hit me and a deep sob erupted from my stomach. I missed him so much. I wanted him back. It was too soon for him to leave me. Bending over, I let it out and gripped my hair as I tried to not let the grief swallow me whole.
***
It took me an hour to calm down. I couldn’t take a breath without sobbing and I was exhausted. Lucas had sat beside me, picked my limp body up and curled me on his lap soon after I started crying.
His shirt was soaked where I’d cried solidly for sixty minutes. “Sorry,” I mumbled, pulling back and wincing at the state of his t-shirt.
“Don’t apologise,” Lucas replied. “Are you okay now?”
“No,” I finally admitted aloud. “I’m really not okay.”
He nodded soberly. “What can I do?”
“Nothing. I’m not your problem. You don’t need to do anything. Thank you for staying with me, though.” I shuffled back so I was no longer on his lap or in his arms. That was harder that it should have been. I wanted to snuggle back and have him hold me until it all stopped hurting.
“Don’t shut me out,” he said. “I can help you.”
“How?” He didn’t have an answer for that because there wasn’t one. I would just have to deal with it on my own. Or not. I felt the worst I had in a long time and every single part of me ached in the most painful way. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to do that. I wanted those huge iron gates back up and my emotions locked safely away.
“I should go find my mum,” I told him.
“Sure.” He frowned, sighing so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. Everything with Lucas was different. We were barely friends but we seemed like so much more.
“Mum?” I called, walking through to the living room. She was on her feet by the time I got to the room.
“Honey, are you alright?” She sniffed and pulled me into her arms. No. Fuck, I didn’t want her to hug me. I closed my eyes, pushing everything away as hard as I could. Don’t feel. Don’t care.
I pulled back and did my best to smile. “I’ve got a headache so I’m gonna go to bed.”
“Of course. Do you want me to get you some painkillers?”
Shaking my head, I took a few steps back. “I’ll get some, but thanks.” Lucas watched silently as I walked past him. I felt weak and I fucking hated it.
Never again.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lucas
“Lucas.” I looked up to see Alison and Ava in front of me. “She’s in her room, give her a minute to sort herself out.” When we got back she ignored everyone and locked herself in her room.
She was more upset than she’d ever tell anyone, even herself. I hated leaving her like that but she needed time. After thirty minutes her mum and sister had had enough worrying and went to check on her.
I was a little surprised. “She wants to see me?”
“Yeah, she said and I quote ‘don’t let him come up for five minutes because I look like crap’ and then she ran to the bathroom.” Ava tried to impersonate her voice, she failed miserably but it made everyone laugh and lightened the mood.
“So, she’s good? Had she been crying again?”
Alison shook her head, her eyes darkening. “No, I don’t think so. She’s so…controlled now. I don’t know how she does it.”
“Have you thought anymore about counselling for her?” Mum asked.
“I have, but getting her to agree is impossible. She’s seventeen; I can’t force her, as much as I want to. I just wish she’d wake up and see what she’s doing to herself and the rest of us.”
“You think Kai helps?” I asked. “She told me he does but I can’t see how.”