He was only saying that because the day I left I gave him my last two hundred for drugs.
“What’re you doing back ‘ere?”
That was a good question. “Just visiting.”
“Ain’t no one just visit here.”
“How’s your mum?”
Deirdre was the sweetest woman. She never let the fact that her ex husband left her at eight months pregnant and with no money or a place to live. Nor did she let it get her down that she had to work three jobs to support her two kids or that every time she got anything nice it was stolen.
“She’s good, man, you stopping long ‘nough to see her?”
“Not sure yet, if I don’t, tell her I said hi.”
“I’m on my way to the grind, you comin’?”
The grind was what everyone called the nameless club in the shittier part of town. I had no idea why, it sounded as deadbeat as it was so I never questioned it. I’d been high as a kite many times in that fuckin’ club. It was where we spent almost every night that we weren’t out doing over shops or mugging some rich bastard. I was like Robin Hood, had he kept everything he took.
“Nah, can’t stop long.”
“You just come back to take a look?”
“Somethin’ like that,” I replied.
“You shouldn’t come back ‘ere, Kai.”
I tensed again. His pupils were dilated but then I don’t remember them ever being normal. “Why’s that?”
“You did the things we all wanna do, you got out. No one thinks you’re a wanker for leavin’, ya know?”
“Oh, good.” I didn’t think they would’ve. Then I didn’t really think about them much at all after I left. They were just there, same as me. Besides Dec and Kellen, no one had my back and I was sure he only did because I had a bit of money, could run fast when we needed to get away on foot, drive fast when we needed a driver, sell ice to an Eskimo and throw a decent punch.
“Seriously, man, you don’t need to be back ‘ere, you know there ain’t nothin’ good in this place. Go, Kai, you’re better than this. Same as Kel.” Turning around, he walked away without looking back. Kellen left before I did but he’d shown his face a few times. I hoped he’d finally get out.
Dec was right, but most people were better than this, him, his mum and sister included. When I left four years ago I told myself I would come back at some point, now I knew I never would.
I’d seen all I needed to and knew that no matter what happened to me in the future I’d never call this place home again. I left without looking back.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tegan
As soon as I couldn’t hear his bike anymore I turned around and headed in the direction of the bus stop. Going home wasn’t an option, not while they were still over. The bus I wanted was fifteen minutes away.
Sitting down on the bench, I pulled my purse out to make sure I had enough for the fare. Walking wasn’t happening.
My phone showed far too many missed calls, texts and voice mail messages for my liking. Wow, they weren’t giving up easily. I just wanted to be left alone for a while. I slipped my phone in my bag and closed my eyes. It was getting harder. Things were supposed to get easier with time but it wasn’t. I just wanted things to go back to how they were so I didn’t feel like a stranger and I could breathe again.
The journey on the bus took twenty minutes longer than it did in a car but with every mile I put between myself and home I relaxed more. If Mum said she wanted to move I’d be collecting house brochures in a flash. Everything at home was filled with Dad and I couldn’t stand it.
The bus was filled mostly with old people and young mums. I felt like I didn’t even belong on a shitty old bus. Looking out at the passing landscape, I wondered what the hell I was going to do, now and long-term.
Before Dad died I had a plan: go to sixth form and study music, get good grades so I could to take it to university and then work towards my dream job. I wasn’t sure what that dream job was yet but I knew it involved the piano.
Dad dreamt of opening up a music shop, said it was so he could supply me with instruments whenever I needed to jet off around the world and play. I wasn’t so far up my own arse that I thought I’d be able to travel the world and play in some form but I was certainly going to do my best to be able to. Now the idea just made me feel sick.
I needed a new plan but my future looked blank. Right now I had no idea what I was doing or even what I was thinking half the time. I could look at decisions I now made and think ‘Tegan would never do that’. Well, Tegan was elsewhere right now, so fuck it all.