As the bus reached my stop, I made my way to the door. “Thanks,” I mumbled to the driver and got off. It was around nine thirty and the sun was still holding out – just. Well, at least I wouldn’t get cold.
Without thinking too much where I was going, or more importantly, why I was going there, I trudged up Lucas’s hill, pushing on my thighs to help myself get up. He came here to think things through and clear his head. I wasn’t expecting miracles but I hoped it’d do the same for me.
It was so pretty up here with the waves gently crashing against the shore. I sat close to the edge and played with the blades of grass. New plan, Tegan, come on. Sixth form? Facing my friends – the ones whose messages and calls I’d ignored for months – was the last thing I wanted.
I sighed in frustration and lay down on my back with my arm slung over my eyes. It was useless. I was just going to be a disappointing fuck-up and, to be honest, I didn’t even care all that much.
“Tegan?” Lucas’s voice made my heart leap.
I sat up and looked around. Should’ve known he’d figure out where I was. “What do you want?”
He stepped closer, standing over me. “What the hell are you doing?” His voice was too calm and too controlled.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I said sarcastically, standing up to face him. I dug my nails into my palms. I didn’t want to fight with him but I didn’t want to want him more.
“We had no idea where you where after Kai dropped you off. Anything could have happened, Tegan,” he snapped.
“I don’t care what happens to me,” I replied. It was one of the most honest things I’d said to him. I really couldn’t care less. Part of me wished I were in the car with him when it crashed.
Lucas’s face paled. Grabbing my wrist, he whispered, “Don’t say that. Maybe you don’t care, Tegan, but the rest of us do.”
I ripped my arm from his grip. “Don’t touch me.”
He let me step away, like I knew he would. “You need to stop this. You have to deal with what happened.”
No, I really didn’t.
His words were like a sledgehammer to my chest. Anger boiled over and I wanted to punch something. Punch him. Punch the whole fucked-up world. Spinning around, I headed back down.
“Tegan,” he called after me.
“Just leave me alone, Lucas,” I screamed. I was breathing heavy and my hands were shaking violently. I fought harder than I’d ever had to to stay in control. Chanting over and over to let it go and block it out, I sped down towards the bottom, all the time ignoring his footsteps behind me.
Stopping at the bus stop I got off at, I busied myself looking at the timetable. He was still there, still hovering around, slightly glaring at me.
“Tegan, let me drive you.” I ran my finger down the column of times to find mine. “Fuck sake, Tegan, just come and get in my car!” I’d never seen him so pissed off before. Whatever.
“No,” I replied.
He sighed and stepped in front of me. “Please. I can’t just leave you here.”
“Why not?”
“Because I care about you. Everyone does. You can hate me and ignore me the whole way back but I need to make sure you get home safe.”
My fucking bus wasn’t due for another hour.
“Fine, I will ignore you the whole way. Where did you park?”
“At my house.” As soon as he told me I took off in the direction of his place, leaving trailing behind. “Are you still pissed off with me?”
“Yes,” I bit out.
“I’m sorry, Tegan, but it’s true. We all just want you to get better.”
I stopped abruptly and spun around. “I’m not sick, Lucas. Just shut up and take me home.”
He didn’t try talking to me anymore and the whole car ride home was silent and awkward. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he effortlessly changed gear and swept around the corners. His grip on the steering wheel was just that little bit too tight though, and gave away how angry he was.
As we approached my road he slowed down. “Look, I’m sorry for what I said and how I said it. Can you talk to me now? I hate you being pissed at me.”
I forced a smile. “We’re fine. I just want to forget about it.”
He nodded and pressed his mouth into a thin line, clearly wanting to say something else. Arguing with him sucked but I was done. Done with everything and everyone and I just wanted to sleep.
I walked into the house and straight upstairs.
Before I could think too hard and run to the safety of my room, I turned around and went back down. They were talking about me, of course. All of them were in the kitchen and Mum was quizzing Lucas on where I’d been.
The music room door was open as I went to go back upstairs. Listening to them discuss everything that was wrong with me wasn’t high up on my list of things I wanted to do.
I stood outside and stared in. The large grand piano sat in the middle of the room. It had lost so much of its beauty now and I didn’t really want to play it. At the same time though, it was calling me.