I didn’t want to go to Dad’s grave at all, not ever, but I had to do it. I swallowed what felt like sand or broken glass. “Yeah, if you don’t mind.”
He leant down and kissed the side of my head. “Of course not, babe.”
How was I going to visit his grave when I almost fell apart in the fucking music room this morning? But, apparently, I was never going to get ‘better’ if I didn’t try. Personally, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with continuing how I was; I didn’t hurt nearly as much as Mum and Ava did.
***
I stared down at my dad’s headstone and held on to Lucas’s hand as tightly as I could. It was warm but I felt icy cold and I was trembling. Lucas watched me and although I couldn’t focus on anything but a lump of stone with Dad’s name carved into it, I knew he was contemplating picking me up and taking me home.
I felt nothing real. There was just a cold numbness that I was growing used to.
“Tegan?” Lucas said. He sounded far away.
I looked up. “Please take me home now, Luke.”
Frowning, he nodded. I could see the questions in his eyes. He wanted to know why I was an emotionless robot. “Alright, come on.”
We drove back to my house in silence but it wasn’t awkward. I could feel his mind working, trying to figure out what was going on with me and how he could fix it. I appreciated it but there wasn’t a magical fix. If there was I would’ve taken it long ago.
On the way back my phone beeped with a text and I was glad to have a distraction.
Kai had written: ‘Party at mine tomorrow. You in?’
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. Well, I was, but I probably shouldn’t want to go, not after what he said to Lucas. But I had a feeling there was more to it than what Lucas told me. Kai wasn’t a bad person.
‘Count me in.’ I tapped back and put my phone away.
Lucas reached over and took my hand in his. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied.
We got back to mine and Mum immediately started quizzing me on how it went. I told her it was fine and she pushed harder, not believing that I was okay.
“Mum, I’m alright but I don’t wanna talk about it.” Taking a step back as if I’d burned her, she looked away. Fuck sake! Gritting my teeth, I walked off. I repeated in my head she’s only trying to help but it did little to stop my mood plummeting. She seemed to flip the switch in me so quickly.
Lucas followed me upstairs but wisely said nothing. We watched a couple films until Mum called us down for dinner. Walking ahead to talk to his dad and brother, Lucas entered the kitchen before me. I took a detour and opened the music room doors.
My insides twisted up as I remembered the last time we played the piano together. It was the day he died and he was helping me practice for my exam. I walked deeper into the room and the closer I got to the piano the thinner the air became.
I felt myself sink to the floor, sink deeper into the water, and when I hit the ground I curled my arms around my legs.
I felt the first sob right down in my gut. I missed him so much I felt like I couldn’t breathe. A fog of black smoke engulfed me and all I could focus on was the gaping void where Dad used to be and the pain of knowing I had to do it all without him now.
“Why did you leave me?” I whispered angrily and gave in to the grief, sobbing until my throat was raw.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Tegan
My head was banging and it wasn’t even from alcohol. Crying until I fell asleep for the entire night really made me feel like shit and not just physically.
It was only bloody six in the morning. Why the hell was that the time my body decided to wake now? Lucas was asleep beside me. After he found me crying my heart out on the music room floor he carried me up to bed. I guess Mum relaxed the no-boyfriends-in-your-room-overnight rule this time.
I carefully got out of bed, not wanting to wake him and have to convince him I was okay just yet, and went downstairs and curled up on the sofa. Me and Dad always got up early – not six early, granted – and would either watch rubbish morning TV or play the piano quietly.
I took a few deep breaths. Keep it together. There was no way I wanted to feel the way I did last night. I didn’t know how Mum and Ava allowed themselves to go through that every single day. I was done.
Grabbing my phone, I sent Kai a text. I still needed to talk to him about Lucas and hanging out with him would take my mind off everything.
‘What time tonight?’ I text.
His reply took a couple minutes. ‘6. What the fuck time are you texting me at!’
Oops. It was early. ‘Sorry. Couldn’t sleep.’
‘You’re on drink duty for that. Lucas coming?’
‘No he’s going home today.’
‘Cool, I’ll pick you up at 7.’
It started at eight. Unless he was really serious about me being on drink duty and I’d be helping set everything up. Also, Lucas leaving wasn’t ‘cool’.