The typical American household pays 27.3 percent of its income to the taxman. But, because you are now ass loaded, you can get that down to 0.1 percent for all your earnings. How? Two simple steps:
1. Filter your endorsement money through your own offshore eponymous corporation based in Monaco.
2. Own three or more domesticated alpacas.
No, no, no, it’s pronounced AH-dee-dahs. Know your shoe company!
Your shoe contract can be worth double or even triple your team salary. Why do shoe companies pay athletes so much? Well, for one thing, it’s not like they have a very high cost of labor. Those Filipino kids are content to be paid strictly in caramel popcorn. Little angels. You, on the other hand, are paid quite a bit more (and in hard currency!) because your personality can help lend cachet to new lines of footwear and athletic apparel, cachet that can directly translate into hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue.
How? You see, when children watch you play, they become inspired. They see in you the magnificent potential of what can be achieved in life. Thus, you are the catalyst for their very first childhood dream. And the beauty of childhood dreams is that kids are too naive and stupid to realize that making it in the pros is a one in a million shot, if that. As long as children have that dream, they’ll keep plunking down $150 for your signature orange cleats with real mink Velcro straps. The better you are at selling that dream, at keeping reality at bay, the more money you will make. Nice.
So how do you choose which shoe company to go with? Well, you want a shoe company with a brand personality that hews close to your own. If, say, you’re a 280-pound wrecking ball of a linebacker who wads up quarterbacks and shits them out like hot diarrhea, you probably don’t want to sign with Keds. Here is some basic information on each company to help you in your decision.
Nike
Founded: 1972. Legend has it cofounder Bill Bowerman got the idea for starting a shoe company after making a homemade running shoe sole using his wife’s waffle iron. The idea of herding Indonesian children into a crowded sweatshop and forcing them to slave over hot waffle irons, twenty hours a day, under threat of lashing? That came to him just a year later, and the company really took off after that.
Logo: The Swoosh. This legendary brand symbol is meant to convey the winged feet of Nike, the Greek goddess of victory (Note: her name is actually pronounced nee-kay, in case you feel like being a smartass at a dinner party). But really, I think it looks more like a lazy man’s check mark. Or a ladle on its side.
Annual Revenue: $15 billion. And with just $50 spent per year in overhead on overseas costs, Nike is the most profitable company in the world outside of the Catholic Church.
Slogan: Just Do It! Coincidentally, this slogan also represents the entirety of Nike’s employee handbook.
Famous Endorsers: Michael Jordan, Brett Favre, Derek Jeter, LeBron James, Charles Barkley, Spike Lee (white-friendly version)
Signature Shoe: Air Jordans. Before Air Jordans, Nike was more renowned for making running shoes. Air Jordans not only made Nike a brand that transcended all sports, but also introduced the idea that sneakers could be fashionable. Nowadays, it’s not unusual for Nike to make shoes using patent leather, polyurethane, and any number of nonbreathable, impractical materials.
Adidas
Founded: 1949, in Germany by Adolf (Adi) Dassler. Dassler went by the nickname Adi, hence the name adidas. This was fortuitous, because adidas sounds like the name of a sneaker company, whereas adolfdas sounds like a company that manufactures riding boots used for kicking shooting victims to the side of the road.
Logo: The three stripes in the adidas logo are meant to represent each of Dassler’s three sons: Gerhard, Helmut, and Ta’Quan. Company officials insist that the word adidas not be capitalized. No wonder they continually lag behind Nike in the global sportswear market. Show some fucking confidence and rock the uppercase, my friends.
Annual Revenue: $14 billion
Slogan: Impossible Is Nothing. The brand slogan suggests that it is not only possible to do the impossible, but that the impossible is, in fact, easily conquered. Obviously, the company has a far lower standard of what is considered outside the bounds of human ability than you or I.
Famous Endorsers: Kobe Bryant, David Beckham, Gilbert Arenas, DJ Run, DMC, the late Jam Master Jay (shoelace-free lines only)
Signature Shoe: The Samba. This classic adidas model is the preferred shoe of soccer players the world over. On the field, that is. Off the field, most soccer players enjoy the practical femininity of the Easy Spirit pump. Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker!
Reebok