Right?
Oh, God, I’m doing it again.
I heard you’re hitting Chicago next week, is that right? Take me with you. Please. Store me in your luggage. Tie me behind the plane and drag me there if you want. I’ll do anything. Please. Half my teammates are eighteen years old. They punch each other in the nuts for fun. Please, I’m begging you. I can’t take this.
You can’t take me? Okay. That’s okay. I understand, man. You got things going on. Maybe one day I’ll quit and take up coaching. Plenty of managers have come up through the minors. There’s no reason I can’t do the same. Who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll be managing you! Then we can sit on my veranda, eat some caviar, smoke some cigars, drink a little Patrón, and swap war stories. I’d like that. That would be fun. It can happen one day, right?
Can’t it?
Oh, God.
You see, most free agent crops are lousy because all the big stars have already signed lucrative contract extensions with their original teams. But shitty teams can’t simply stand pat. That’s boring and it can really piss off fans. In order to look like they are doing something, teams must sign new players, any players, regardless of skill level. Bringing in new players lets fans know that management is making moves, even if those moves prove detrimental to the team in the long run. That way, fans can be assured that they won’t be seeing last year’s shitty team, but an entirely new shitty team.
As a free agent, you represent the hope of better times ahead. The fact that you sucked in the past is immaterial, because there’s always the faint possibility that you will find a way to stop sucking in the future. It’s a long shot, but it’s better than no shot at all. That’s why the Knicks will happily dangle $50 million in front of you. You may not be good, but you are different, and miracles do happen, and that’s all that matters. Just ask athletes like Daniel Graham ($30 million contract), Chan Ho Park ($65 million contract), or Rashard Lewis ($121 million contract). None of these players are very good. I’m not even sure Chan Ho Park can reach the plate with his fastball. But that didn’t stop them from cashing in, and it shouldn’t stop you.
In fact, I have come up with an ingenious plan to maximize your career revenue, and it has nothing to do with your ability or desire to win. Are you ready for it? Here it is: be an asshole. No, I’m serious. Be a total fucking asshole. Curse out coaches. Berate teammates. Bitch at fans. Hold out. It could earn you millions, and here’s why.
Let’s say you start out with a team that gave you a very large contract that covers four to five years. Well, that’s four to five years of market prices increasing across the board, increases you aren’t able to take advantage of if you stay tethered to your current contract. But if you flip out and start acting like a real prick, there’s a good possibility that your team will buy out a portion of your contract, or release you outright, simply so they can be done with you.
There’s always another team out there stupid enough to believe that you’ll clean up your act. Usually, that team is the Oakland Raiders. Plus, your notoriety could prove useful at the box office. Suddenly, you’re being signed to another lucrative contract only one year after you signed your original lucrative contract! There are endless examples of this. Steve Francis was bought out by the Portland Trail Blazers for $30 million. Terrell Owens got $5 million guaranteed from the Cowboys less than a year after being suspended by the Eagles. Hell, it even goes beyond sports. Michael Ovitz was bought out by Disney for $140 million. In all these instances, blatant assholishness paid massive dividends!
So whoever said nice guys finish last had it wrong. Not only do they finish last, they finish ass poor. It pays to burn bridges, my friend. So grab the tiki torches and get your arson on.
Clippable Motivational Slogan!
It’s not personal, Sonny. It’s strictly business.
— Michael Corleone, a man who went on to live a wonderful, happy, carefree life
Chapter 11
It’s Not Whoring If You’re Famous
Endorsements and Extending Yourself Outside of Sports
The great whitewashing: branding yourself.